Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On Technology

Friend Randy
EeEreeeqqqqwqeqqqqqewEreeeeeqqwqwwwwq00bbybhbbb
bbbvkiwewww@eeeewqwwwweeeee#qwweeeeqwqwqqe
wwqeqwqwweweeeeewqwwqqwqwreEuqwqwweeeeeee
eeeqwq

Mike
Randy, that is, without a doubt, the worst email address ever.

Randy
You've heard of "butt dialing"? I "butt posted"! :)

Mike
Eww...

On Hitch's List

Friend Michael
‎"North By Northwest," one of Alfred Hitchcock's most revered films, premiered on this date [July 17] in 1959. Where do you think the film ranks among Hitchcock's body of work?

Mike
Tends to be the Hitchcock I watch most often -- and that says a lot, considering I'm practically roommates with PSYCHO and REAR WINDOW.

On My Radio Pal Bob Middleton's Birthday

Bob, you were certainly the highlight of my radio career. I'd take nothing for those 16 months we partnered on the air each morning. You taught me much, expanded my creativity chops, encouraged me to fake it, hooked me on coffee, never offered me your bacon, failed to get me laid, failed to get me laid with the note from your Mom, never took me to see a Komodo dragon and if I wanted to take the kiddos to see a Komodo dragon, where would I take the kiddos to see a Komodo dragon?--

.... What? What's this? Wait. You're not dead? Shh-- Forget this then. I am not doffing our collective hats. See if I steal any more Bob and Ray with you. And I hired a cummerbund....

Mike
Happy birthday, Bubber. May a crazed holy man behead your PEZ dispenser.

Bob
Thanks, Mike, I now get the senior citizens discount at the Piggly Wiggly. May a crazed pirate leave a peg leg in your chicken bucket.

Mike
May Peg Leg Bates' ghost tap dance his way into your cart and Morse Code your grandmother.

Bob
May Abe Vigoda drool on your stool.

Mike
I hope an amorous wiggly piggly corkscrew-tails your donut pillow.

Bob
May a ruthless weasel force you to back into a cold doorknob.

Mike
Leave our former boss out of this. May you sit on your keys and unlock your lunch.

Bob
May an unruly Mugwump pop a boil on your lip.

Mike
I hope the ghost of Harry Dean Stanton repossesses your carbuncles. And if he's not dead, may he come over and sort through your garage.

Bob
May Moms Mabley drop her last tooth in your sitz bath.

Mike
May Al "Grandpa" Lewis return from the dead with your act.

Bob
May Don Rickles rake your boot.

Mike
May Dudley Do-Right mount your Canadian Club.

Bob
May Rocky the Squirrel fly into your pants.

Mike
Well, thank you very much. That would be ever so delightful; nevertheless, may an amorous moose become your hat tree.

Bob
May a horny anteater lick your sister. So there.

Mike
May The Great Pumpkin appear in your soul patch.

Bob
May a day-old bread truck backfire mold on your hood ornament.

Mike
May Alvin and the Chipmunks Bobsled your colonoscopy.

Bob
"Bobsled your colonoscopy." Mike, you are so bad..

May David Seville speed up your bowel movements.

Friend Alan
I call it a tie!

Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On Technology

Friend Deborah
This new smartphone is not making me feel so smart.

Mike
I'm still trying to work this stupid hula hoop....

On Time

Writing with Hitchcock
Certain Hitchcock films lend themselves well to "seasonal viewing"...like THE WRONG MAN on a cold January night, THE TROUBLE WITH HARRY on a mild afternoon in late September, or REAR WINDOW on a steamy evening in July. Do you make a ritual out of re-viewing certain Hitch films at certain times of the year?

Mike
Yes, I watch PSYCHO each year on Shower Night.

At the Help Desk

Friend Claire
Need a dog sitter around Encino, any hints?

Mike
Pauly Shore.

Claire
Thanks, Mike. Any good dentists?

Mike
Bill Pullman.

On Friendship

Friend Alan
All of you should be encouraged to know that I thrive on the QUALITY of my friends.

Mike
I'm burlap and taffy, but the workmanship is adequate.

Alan
Great! I realize the warranty has expired.

On a Pal's Colonoscopy

Mike
Bob, did they find your gum?

Friend Bob Walker
No but they did find a shot glass.....and a little tiny bartender.

Mike
I'm afraid to type this next one. ... That explains the bar stools.

Too Nutty: 'My Ding-a-ling' and 'My Toot Toot'

Friend Susan mentioned on Facebook that her teenagers didn't know whether to believe their mother when she said she used to listen to the songs "My Ding-a-ling" and "(Don't Mess With) My Toot Toot" on the radio.

Yeah, kids, it happened, way back in the olden times, between beating clothes on a rock and toting parasols under Pterodactyls.

Here comes the proof.



Chuck Berry: "My Ding-a-ling" (1972) via YouTube
I posted this comment to the discussion:

I was a DJ on WIIN-97 in Atlanta in 1973-74 when MY DING-A-LING was released. We played it every 90 minutes or so, while other radio stations would not. We took some heat for doing it, too, and worried about having our FCC license pulled. I don't recall the toot toot song, although mine can be quite the symphony.

Rockin' Sidney: "My Toot Toot" (1985) via YouTube

Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On Physical Attributes

Friend Becky
I voted for you in the "Best Looking" contest.

Mike
Thank you. I'm certain it's because I have better than 20-20 vision.

On the Fourth of July

Friend Peter
Happy 235, America! You look great for your age!

Mike
California is a bit pudgy.

On the Future

Friend Frank
I'm looking forward to "Super 8" but I doubt that it'll be as good as the British original, "9.5."

Mike
I'm still smarting from Motel 6.

On Brilliance

Friend Bill
Continue to be amazed at the number of people who speak---orally or otherwise---without having a clue.

Mike
Colonel Mustard in the study with a candlestick.

On Tricks

Mike
I have a brown cat and two black-and-whites. That's three, but no cat juggling for me. I have no orange cats. It's a rule to juggle oranges.

Friend Donna
I have an orange cat. She would not be amused if I juggled her though.

Mike
Try sawing her in half.

Or pull a rabbit out of your cat.

Incomings

Continued From: "Incomings" and "Incomings"

Oh, goody, pinch me. It's another comedy quiz from radio historian Bob Middleton (a k a Bob Walker). Bob has a box of jokes I wrote three decades ago and he likes to test my memory of such international treasures and gut-busting antiquities, when he's not wallowing in same highly venerated box.

One of the following bits was written by someone other than Mikey. Am I up to the task of fingering it?

May I have the one-liners and the finger, please.

Bob

It's time for that great radio fun game, "Who Said That?"

• Coming up: The Muppet Kidney Chorus does its rendition of "It's Impassable."
  
  
• Things to Do Today:
  
  
• Give a propeller beanie to a rabbi.
  
• Drool excessively in a urologist's office.
  
  
• Lawrence Welk knew his show was canceled when he discovered Tums in his bubble machine.
  
  
• Summer Camp Tip: Avoid camps that have signs of Truman Capote wearing knee pants.
  
  
• Today on TV: Orson Welles and Shelley Winters will discuss noises they consider embarrassing.

Now tell me, who said that?

Mike

This is an easy one. All are mine, except Orson and Shelley, but I'm locating the Febreze, nevertheless.  

Bob

You are right, nipple nose. For your prize, you get a riding weed eater.

Coming up next, our feature film with Charlie Sheen. You will hear Charlie say, "Does this look infected?"

Incomings

Continued From: "Incomings"

Here's another quiz sent to me by Bob Middleton (a k a Bob Walker), my radio buddy, who has uncovered a stack of one-liners I wrote for deejays 30 years ago. Bob likes to test my memory, as I recall or delude, and floss chipmunks.

Bob

It's time to play that enthralling radio game "Who Said That?" Brought to you by the makers of Butt Putty.

OK, here are our items.

• At tax time, avoid going to an accountant named Bugsy.
  
• I gotta hurry home. Today, I replace the snake eyes on my fuzzy foam dash dice.
  
• Doing this show is more fun than tweezing Ernest Borgnine.

OK, it's up to you, our studio audience. Who said that? Mike or [another writer]?

Mike

Thank you. It's great to be on your show. Can we get some soap in the stall? Maybe some cling-free timothy?

Image via Wikipedia

As for my answers, nothing says "Mikey" like "fuzzy foam dash dice" and "tweezing Ernest Borgnine."

The Bugsy joke is not mine; it needs something more like stuttering spats.

Bob

You're right! For your coveted prize, you get a nice buttload of [name withheld, but funny!] Smoke Tartar. And you get a copy of our home game, "Ladies, Grab Your Seats."

You mean "Timothy" by The Buoys?

The Buoys: "Timothy" via YouTube

Mike

timo·thy (tim′ə t̸hē) [via YourDictionary.com]
noun
☆ a perennial European grass (Phleum pratense) with dense, cylindrical spikes of bristly spikelets, widely grown for hay

I'm leaning to publishing these endearingly lovely quiz emails, Bob, with your kind blessings and beer farts. I will delete any incriminating material, specifically the name of [name withheld, but funny!], who, I'm told, is particularly attracted to my bottom. (A lot of that going on around [location withheld].)

Bob

Print away. I would be more than delighted. Did I ever tell you [name withheld, but funny!] never wanted to [field trip withheld].

I can come up with reams of more material. I was cleaning up my spare room and came across your funny stuff. You've got quite a warped mind, my brother.

Mike

No, Bob, you never told me of that particular female peccadillo, but, thankfully, I shall be suitably troubled by it until my dying day and maybe another eternity.

Gulp. You made me swallow my gum. "Cleaning up my spare room."

Come to our house. We have plenty more [to tidy].

More to come...

Incomings

This round of correspondence was initiated by my radio partner, Bob Middleton (a k a Bob Walker), formerly of "Boss Bad Radio."

I kid the Bob.

Bob says of WBAD, "1570 on AM dial, just above the police frequencies."

He's been a Kansas radio favorite for three decades, currently at My 93-1, Hutchinson. Bob once sent me an autographed tumbleweed. It's still blowing east.

I've known Bob from his days at WRAS, WIIN-97, and Z-93, Atlanta. His cat, Pooper, once jumped on my head and I kinda liked it.

As the cleverly branded Mike and Bob, we hosted the morning show at WFOM, Marietta (an Atlanta suburb), 1978-80. One of our popular quotes: "7:14, 39 degrees."

Bob still uses that. I get no checks.

In the following years, I wrote comedy material and published "The Security Blanket," a joke sheet for radio announcers in the United States and Canada. The monthly issues were along the lines of "The Electric Weenie," another comedy source for deejays.

Out of the blue, last week, Bob started asking the hard questions. He had found his wayward box of -- *cough* -- adlibs.

Bob

It's time to play that great radio fun game "Who Said That?" We will tell you [four] goofy lines. Did Mikey say [it] or "The Electric Weenie"?

• I need more taxes like Flipper needs Nair.

• It's so nice out, I saw Mr. Peanut getting fitted with a Polaroid monocle.
  
• Mr. Whipple's ancestors were opposed to squatters' rights.
  
• Weird dentist. He has pin-ups of Marie Osmond's cavities.

OK, which one is not a Mikey quote?

Mike

Golly. The first two are mine and have my rhythms.

I'd say one of the last two is not mine, probably Marie Osmond. However, I am not sure, although I do recall the Mr. Whipple. I'd be so proud to squat. And thanks for squeezing it out of me.

I hope I win some Turtle Wax.

Bob

You're right, MIke! Just for answering our question, you win two used airline tickets to Tallapoosa and some Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat. Now, back to "Catch It and Keep It!"

Mike

So, I wrote the Squatters' Rights bit! Yay, me. ... I'm especially humbled.

More to come...

What the Heck Was I Thinking?

Actual Messages I Wrote, Forgot, Then Found While Cleaning Out My Correspondence Folders 

01/04/10 

No, Bob, I did not get a Flowbee for Christmas. But Flo down at the diner be blowing stray hairs off my sammich. I was eternally grateful and had her comb my hashbrowns.

09/02/09

Fun Fact: FROGS (1972) stars Academy Award Winner Ray Milland, with an assist by those fresh-faced kids, Sam Elliott and Joan Van Ark. Details on cute frogs unavailable.

09/02/09

Major power outage this morning at 1:40. ... I phoned the EMC at 2:10, but the outtage had not been reported. I went to bed at 3 and think the lights came back on around 4, maybe later. These cats mocked me with their night vision.

09/04/09

Re: Michael Flatley's Lord of the Dance Returns This March!

Yeah, you know it. Maybe I will be plucked out of the audience to join the kids onstage for a specialty!

09/07/09

Indeed. It is a dilemma.

I'm also hoping the puppet quotient is up.

Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On the Media 

[Some Guy Named] Tony 
Fox "news" is a joke and the people who watch it are idiots - get a laugh track

Mike
Tony, "News" is capitalized. There should be a period after "idiots." No hyphen. Capitalize "Get." A period placed immediately after "track" will impress all of the smart people.

On the Rapture

Friend Claire
Well, it is 8pm and I'm still here. I'm feeling a little rejected now.

Mike
I was convinced I was heading to a snowglobe. I think my mittens were raptured. I can't find them anywhere now....

Still With the Rapture

Brother Bob, 10:37 a.m.
Fire drill....!!!

Mike, 11:38 a.m.
Can I come back inside now?

On Compassion

Friend Jessica
Some ppl amaze me !!! Ugh !!!!

Mike
Pick a card. Any card.

Again With the Rapture

Friend Bill
I must be dreaming...........I'm still here..........

Mike
I must be dreaming....... you're still here.

On Movie Trivia

Alfred Hitchcock Geek
Here's one for the Word Freaks. In today's NY Times Crossword Puzzle, a clue reads: "Chilly shower setting." Ten letters.

Mike
BATESMOTEL. I must be a genius.

V.
Bates Motel

D.
Bates Motel

D.P.
Yup:) BATESMOTEL love it.

Alfred Hitchcock Geek
You're all correct!!

Mike
Yeah, but I'm the genius, right?

Alfred Hitchcock Geek
Yes Mike, you're the genius.

What the Heck Was I Thinking?

Actual Messages I Wrote, Forgot, Then Found While Cleaning Out My Correspondence Folders 

07/26/09 

Great! But I won't be dancing in your wedding. I'll be in the lobby selling T-shirts and watered-down Cokes.

03/04/11

Thanks. Can I come sleep under the pastry rack?

08/01/09

If you're going to be me, you'll have to stop eating meat immediately and go to a Walmart thrice per week to become suitably annoyed.

Thank you.

04/18/11

Thanks for the info. The maintenance appears to be clerical, not technical. I'll be out hopping with bunnies anyway.

08/03/09

Can he get me Ann B. Davis' autograph? Maybe her oatmeal cookie recipe?

08/21/09

No. I am a grown man. I wept and crawled into a ball under the table.

Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On Famous Last Words 

Alfred Hitchcock Geek 
Let Hitchcock write your epitaph. Pick a quote from his movies to be engraved on your tombstone.

Mike
‎"Why are they doing this? Why are they doing this?" --"The Birds"

On the Cinema

Friend Michael
Classic and memorable (or not) movies released on May 12th: "Earth Girls Are Easy" (1989), "Crimson Tide" (1995), "Poseidon" (2006).

Mike
I saw "Poseidon" in IMAX. OK, but not particularly memorable. The original "Poseidon Adventure" is memorable. Not so much the film or effects, but Stella Stevens in her underwear. That's a movie!

On It

Friend Donna
There you go, makin' my heart beat again...

Mike
I think it's my socks. Kicky!

On Osama bin Laden's Farewell Tour

Friend Bill
For crying out loud, can we stop the damn conspiracy theories, finger pointing, "who gets credit, who doesn't" crap and celebrate an AMERICAN victory for a day or two?

Mike
I blame Yoko.

On "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly"

Mike
Love it, although I was cut out. I am, of course, The Dimpled.

On My A-List Friends

Mike
How cool is this? @DavidHasselhoff and I are now pals on Twitter. I'm excited. Maybe he can get me SpongeBob's autograph.

Friend Astroray
You are the same guy who listed "Barney Rubble" as your favorite actor!

Mike
Sir Rubble rules.

On Wild Cat Joy Ride

Mike
My cat, Melvin, found the car keys. He's out driving to every moth in the county.

Friend Claire
Has he caught any yet?

Mike
Nope. He was carjacked by a dog chasing a stick.

 

Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On Beach Vacations, Growing Up: 

Brother Bob 
Remember Bingo nites? 

Mike 
Yes, Bingo Nights, entombed in a stale community room, inhaling noxious purple clouds of grizzled blue hairs' Marlboro smoke, hacking up my lungs at age 7, retrieving the chunks with a pickle fork prize I won "under the N, 31."

Good times.

Winning fabulous merchandise for our closet, that's what Bingo Nights were all about. One can never acquire too many unopened Fry Daddys.

Have I lived the talk?

Bingo.

Bob
Ahh, yes. Glad I dredged up those memories for you.

Mike
*cough cough*

On the Flowbee Hair Cutter:

Friend Bob
My hair just got Flowbeed.

Do they even make those things anymore?

Mike
I think the Flowbee has gone the way of the Edsel, asbestos and jelly sandwiches, and Frances Bavier.

On Hitchcock Movies:

Alfred Hitchcock Geek
Imagine you've never seen a Hitchcock film in your life. You get handed a list of Hitchcock titles (no graphics, no credits) and are told you get to pick one movie to see. Based on title alone, what's it going to be?...

Mike
Based entirely on the title and with no specific knowledge of Hitchcock or his films, DIAL M FOR MURDER.

THE TROUBLE WITH HARRY and REAR WINDOW would nab me, too.

Of course, although not his pictures and with me not knowing anything, I would first go see FLUFFY and FLIPPER.

Heck, I would not be able to physically resist SON OF FLUBBER for any reason whatsoever.

On Holiday:

Friend Jessica
Happy Friday the 13th!!!

Mike
Does Domino's deliver under the bed?

On Whatever:

Friend Gary
The man with the foolish grin is sitting perfectly still.

Mike
Oop. I blinked. Sorry.

What the Heck Was I Thinking?

Actual Messages I Wrote, Forgot, Then Found While Cleaning Out My Correspondence Folders 

06/16/09 

Glad you all had a good time and returned safe. I can't see anything at your house because of the leaves, which I think are thicker than ever this year. I did hear the weed-whacker (I'm guessing) several times. I was concerned at first, but then it didn't make much sense that vandals would sneak in and do yard work.

06/17/09

I hope this gross injury has corrected itself. You may need a Smurf Band-Aid.

06/26/09

All you need now are bangs and a two-part beard.

06/26/09

Did you hear that?

Bob Zany just got to move up one.

06/29/09

Uh, oops. My bad. I misread your email. I meant no harm. I'll be over to wax your creek rocks at dawn.

07/19/09

He has split.

I think that's from the Bible.

What the Heck Was I Thinking?

Actual Messages I Wrote, Forgot, Then Found While Cleaning Out My Correspondence Folders

05/29/09

August 6 is the date I go get my shoelaces retipped. I'm sure you and Stan can do fine.

06/08/09

I'm curious, Ray, as to why you know about Lady Clairol Black #41.

06/10/09

Thanks, I enjoyed that and also wonder if Darth has a good Veggie Lasagna recipe.

04/20/11

$77.50 to do the Hot Potato with Henry the Octopus?

A bargain at any price!

But if Wags the Dog is opening, I dunno...

06/11/09

Oh, great. I'd better take the Tender Vittles out of my pockets.

And @TheJerryMathers as The Tweeter

I've enjoyed "The Trouble With Harry," Alfred Hitchcock's droll dark comedy, three or four times over the years. Whenever I think of it, the first image to pop into my head is always the same, focused on the film's most remarkable couple. Yesterday's recollection was no different and I was moved to share this thought on Twitter:

Is there more perfect, adorable casting than Shirley MacLaine & Jerry Mathers as mother & son in Hitchcock's THE TROUBLE WITH HARRY (1955)?

Leave it to Twitter. It wasn't long until I discovered this surprising reply by one of my childhood heroes:

From @TheJerryMathers:
@MikeDurrett - It was Shirley's first film and I'm introducing it at the @TCM Classic Film Festival (April 28-May1)!

My turn:

How great to hear from @TheJerryMathers re: THE TROUBLE WITH HARRY (1955). Wish I could be with you @TCM FF. You're swell in this, age 6?

I'll never wash my computer again!



"The Trouble With Harry" Original Theatrical Trailer via YouTube
Narrated by Frank Nelson and Art Gilmore
Follow @TheJerryMathers and @MikeDurrett on Twitter

Big Weekend

"Stationary." 

That's why I used a still camera. 

Ha. I like that joke. 

I almost forgot the gag, though. If only there were some nearby note cards or assortments of lovely writing papers onto which I could jot.

Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On My Birthday 

Mike 
A certain little girl I married 30 years ago, who will go nameless, gifted me Blu-ray BAMBI & a talking, thumping Thumper doll. She so knows me.

Friend Mark
Still my favorite Disney flick, followed by the one about the wooden kid and the bug with a top hat.

Mike
Jiminy, I don't recall the bug's name.

On Working in a Movie Theatre Snack Bar

Mike
I'm still smarting [because] a customer back in 1965 was verbally displeased the 12-ounce JUMBO cola cup filled with ice was "far too much to drink!" How dare we? And for all of 15 cents!!

How things have changed. The SMALL soda at the theatre the other night came with a pool boy.

Friend Frank Thompson
I bought a large diet Coke at a drive-through the other day and it was so gargantuan I had to make Claire sit in the back seat so I'd have a place to set it. I have to admit it was a thirst-quencher, though.

Friend Stan
As Jay Leno said in his act, "The popcorn comes in this huge Rubbermaid tub. It's not food at this point; it's feed!"

On the World Today

Friend Mark
Thinking of protesting Modern Times - going back to using a rotary phone and writing letters with a fountain pen and paper.

Mike
Get out those pin-ups of Clara Barton.

On Facebook "Pokes"

Mike
I have just *poked* my radio partner. I don't know if that qualifies as swag or payola? Nevertheless, he's going to long-distance dedicate Kyu Sakamoto's "Sukiyaki" to me and my love.

I must have been the 12th poker.

Friend / Radio Partner Bob Middleton
I will play the Singing Nun for you. Can't find "Sukiyaki," but thanks for the poke.

Kyu Sakamoto! Ha. I must go to YouTube and give it a spin.

I got poked at the mall the other day... I'm going back today.

On the Wedding Party

Mike
I'm in a wedding this weekend. It's quite an honor, although I'm not certain of my duties. Something something The Flower Geezer.

Brother Bob
You wearing a tux with your black sneakers?

Mike
That is so gauche. Black suit with my black sneakers.

Bob
Yeah, I guess that is more like it. None of us learned how to tie a bow tie anyway.

Mike
Being a semi-formal wedding, I'm wearing the spinning DayGlo bow tie. It's a clip-on. And it plays "Taps."

Festive ... and for lovers.

Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On the Movies 

Mike 
I am thrilled TCM's new season of THE ESSENTIALS will celebrate my most admired film comedy, W.C. Fields' riotous THE BANK DICK (1940). And, yes, I would like to have a nose like that full of nickels.

Friend Mark
I see one of my other all-time favorites on that list -- GUNGA DIN. I'll be tuning in to catch that one -- but bringing my own water!

Mike
Arrive early and we'll fix Gunga Dinner. Thank you. Goodnight, everybody!

And for you at the kiddies' table, Gunga Din-din. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waitress. Try the couscous.

On Excitement

Mike
Hello. My name is Mike. And a hotdog makes me lose control.

Friend Don
I adore the Minuet. The Ballet Russe. And Crêpe Suzette.

Mike
We're one-pair of matching bookends, different as night and day.

On 'The Happy Years'

Friend Frank Thompson
‎"The Happy Years," one of Wild Bill Wellman's most enjoyable films.

Mike
I remember watching a 16mm print of this movie at your apartment around 1981. Are there any more of those cookies?

Oh. And I could see it again.

Frank
Yes, a couple of the cookies are left but I think now you'd have to dunk....

On Momentary Insanity

Friend Claire
Went crazy this morning and turned the heat up to 67!

Mike
You Hollywood types.

What's next? Toast?

On Self-Examination

Friend Bill
Once again today, I'm amazed but not surprised.

Mike
Today, I'm congealed, but not syrup.

Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On the Spouse's Email 

Mike 
"Man faces prison for reading wife's email." — Heavens no! I would never do that! I might inadvertently learn about pottery & napkin rings.

Friend Frank Thompson
I sometimes read Claire's because it's fun to hear about her dopey friends. For instance, there's this one guy she just calls The Idiot who can't do anything right and is real messy around the house and who just doesn't suspect a thing. He sounds like a real doofus!

On Living It Up

Friend Sally
Painted the stairs beige today!

Mike
No, Sally. It's "Paint the town red. Paint the town red!" *sigh*

Image via Wikipedia

On Newsmakers

Friend Peter
I think Michael Moore is trying to out crazy Charlie Sheen.

Mike
I have trouble taking anyone serious who looks like he ate Beaver Cleaver.

On Movie Etiquette

News Item
Man Shot Dead for Eating Popcorn Too Loudly During "Black Swan"

Mike
Well, this seems a bit harsh. I reserve shooting for talkers.

Friend Claire
Or wrapper rustlers

Mike
Broken knees and a mandatory admittance to a Sandler.

Friend Frank
Listen, it's stern but it's fair.

Friend Bill
He was probably so p----d at the movie he took it out on the popcorn eater.

Friend Joy
People texting during movies make me homicidal, I feel him.

Friend Mark
And they say that popcorn is a healthy snack.

I wonder if they will add this as a deleted scene in the DVD release of this movie. And another thing, I always leave the shooting of the audience to the ushers, let them do their job.

Mike
When I was a kid, Mark, printed on the packaging: "POPCORN IS GOOD ROUGHAGE." We were warned.

Friend of Friend Angeles
What flavor popcorn?

Mike
Battered.