Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Marquee de Sad

An ongoing source of amusement for me is the marquee at the Starlight Drive-in Theatre in Atlanta. During the past few years, it has been a scarce (if ever) occasion when all of the movie titles have been displayed correctly.

The moment I heard of the recent car crash into the sign, my reaction was:

"Spelling Lover Decides to End It!"

My friend Stan is a projectionist at the theatre. He has tried with little success to improve the accuracy of the Starlight sign, regularly pointing out the parade of blatant errors to the keepers of the lame, but corrections have been rare.

I guess they ain't be paid for no spellnin'.

Last week's displayed bloopers included "MY SUPER X GIRLFRIEND" (suggesting a porno flick, not the mainstream comedy) and "MONSTER HOUES." You can see those misspellings in the FOX5 News image. Notice the "A" is missing in "PIRATES." I'll give them the benefit of the doubt that the impact of the collision might have knocked the letter to the ground, along with the rest of the title, "OF THE CARIBBEAN...."

The Starlight signpost also advertised "TOKYO DRIT" on one side and "TOKYO DIRFT" on the other. "NCAHO LIBRE" and "MONSTRE HOUSE" were on view, too.

When management relayed the news that an out-of-control vehicle had jumped the curb from Moreland Ave. and plowed into the mammoth marquee, Stan's immediate response was:

"Did they hit it hard enough to knock the letters into the correct spelling?"

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Head's Update

Re: "Guest of Horror" and "I'm a Good Boy! Such a Good Boy!"

Concerned reader Sally of next door writes:

"Hey, I've been reading about your head injury. Are you healing well? Gee, that's awful."

I am fine, thank you, except every time I blink, I see spots.

Um, wait. That's just me.

I'm gonna need more Porcelana Fade Cream.

Or, perhaps, clothing.

The gash healed fast. I was extremely lucky. No one made me shave my luxurious mane.

(Conditioner, Tuesdays at seven.)

The amount of Mikey blood was more alarming to me than anything else. I thought I was a goner on my way to Hell.

Fortunately, I was wrong. I'll only be relocating to:

Yakov Smirnoff Theatre
Elite Seating, Row 6
470 State Hwy 248
Branson, MO 65616

Please update your address books.

Oh, and repent.

Now!

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

100 Things to Do Before I Die

1. Not die.
2. Not die.
3. Not die.
4. Not die.
5. Not die.
6. Not die.
7. Not die.
8. Not die.
9. Not die.
10. Not die.
11. Not die.
12. Not die.
13. Not die.
14. Not die.
15. Not die.
16. Not die.
17. Not die.
18. Not die.
19. Not die.
20. Not die.
21. Not die.
22. Not die.
23. Not die.
24. Not die.
25. Not die.
26. Not die.
27. Not die.
28. Not die.
29. Not die.
30. Not die.
31. Not die.
32. Not die.
33. Not die.
34. Not die.
35. Not die.
36. Not die.
37. Not die.
38. Not die.
39. Not die.
40. Not die.
41. Not die.
42. Not die.
43. Not die.
44. Not die.
45. Not die.
46. Not die.
47. Not die.
48. Not die.
49. Not die.
50. Not die.
51. Not die.
52. Not die.
53. Not die.
54. Not die.
55. Not die.
56. Not die.
57. Not die.
58. Not die.
59. Not die.
60. Not die.
61. Not die.
62. Not die.
63. Not die.
64. Not die.
65. Not die.
66. Not die.
67. Not die.
68. Not die.
69. Not die.
70. Not die.
71. Not die.
72. Not die.
73. Not die.
74. Not die.
75. Not die.
76. Not die.
77. Not die.
78. Not die.
79. Not die.
80. Not die.
81. Not die.
82. Not die.
83. Not die.
84. Not die.
85. Not die.
86. Not die.
87. Not die.
88. Spumoni.
89. Not die.
90. Not die.
91. Not die.
92. Not die.
93. Not die.
94. Not die.
95. Not die.
96. Not die.
97. Not die.
98. Not die.
99. Not die.
100. Not die.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Dolby 3-D in Selected Eyeballs

"Dolby Laboratories [and] German virtual reality company Infitec GmbH [are developing] a three-dimensional theater projection system.... The companies hope the venture will bring consumers that entertain themselves at home with DVDs, the Internet and video games back to the theaters." -- All Headline News

Personally, I'm more eager for a Dolby cat box cleaning system. I hope the venture will bring mousers that entertain themselves at home with shoestrings, goldfish, and li'l balls with a tinkly bell inside back to the powder room.

It would need to include surround sand.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Optical Delusion

We had a big day. We took the long road to a faraway multiplex to see "The Ant Bully" in IMAX 3-D and "Monster House" in digital 3-D.

I had mentioned the trip to my buddy, Stan, who is a projectionist in a drive-in theatre. Here's our actual telephone conversation.

"After you go to 'The Ant Bully,' don't you want to come down here and watch 'Monster House' for free?" Stan asked.

"That's very nice," I said, "but you're not showing it in 3-D."


DVDs NOT available in 3-D
"Well," he said, tongue in cheek, "2-D is almost as good."

"Not really," I grumbled, "not the way your management lenses that picture on the screen. The height might be correct, but the width is horribly cropped."

"Okay, 1.7-D."

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

I'm a Good Boy! Such a Good Boy!

I'm forever indebted to kindly acquaintance Todd, the man who made my head stop gushing blood after the blunt trauma I revealed in "Guest of Horror." He was pleased I responded well to his treatment. It turned out Todd had put in a long service as an assistant in an animal clinic.

After the excitement settled, David, another guest at the party, reassured me on Todd's qualifications. Here's our actual conversation, as best as I can recollect from between the throbs.

"Veterinarians are great," David said. "I went to one to sew me up."

"Really?" I asked, wondering if my brain had been conked out of kilter by the jolt. I didn't realize humans were mended in this manner.

"Yeah, it's the same work," he said, "and they don't charge as much!"

"Did you get a yummy?"

"No. They gave me a little catnip toy to play with."
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