Secrets to a Successful 30-Year Marriage #5-7

My wife believes my shrieking, hollering, screaming, and general epithet-laden vitriol and pouty puckers aimed at our @#$%^&*! politicians are improvised on the spot for her benefit. Nuh uh, nay, I do it all day long while she's not around. I'm a professional snark. I hone my craft and give my beloved only the sweetest of rages and loathing.

Oh. And you kitties can come out from under the bed. Daddy's better now. Daddy loves you. Daddy's softly.

Listening to and satisfying each other's whims are key.

For Valentine's, I told the missus I wanted a Dux Bed.

She forked me fresh hay.

She also flung poultry feed stamped "BEAK MINE" and "WADDLE ME."

No rest for the ducky.

Never cease with acts of kindness and romance.

As an example, the other night at the movies, we saw "The King's Speech," and I let Donna snuggle with me behind the spit guard.

Big Weekend

Big weekend, successfully completing the first 30 years of our marriage.

As of this moment, Donna and I have been wife and indentured huggy hunk / designated dimples / assorted cheeses tray carrier / hot towel-ensconced manservant / anvil caddy for 1560 consecutive big weekends.

Today, Valentine's Day, is our wedding anniversary. To commemorate the occasion, I searched far and wide for the perfect gift. The Walmart is quite a spread, but an o-no!-asis worthy to cross for m'lady.

The lass loves jewelry, so I could never go wrong there. I picked out the large hoop earrings that are all the rage.

She's to have the yellow -- and I'll be getting some lip, if ... you know ... what ... I mean. ♥

Deer, Dear Me

Another snowstorm moved into our yard at the start of "The Huggable Durretts' 29th Anniversary Celebration Weekend Sans Pie, Where's the Lemon Pie, Lady?"

I looked out the kitchen window to see if my wife had arrived at the cozy abode / love nest / overstuffed closet.

Run! Run like the wind! Donna's home!

Big Weekend

Big weekend, celebrating our marriage: Valentine's Day = 29 years!

We began the romantic festivities Saturday with me on Facebook. (Actual quotes below.)

Friend Comment
Do you think Mike Durrett is fast?

Mike Durrett
Fast? I have to take a four-hour nap and a Slurpee to get up to sluggish.

...And me without a Hoodie-Footie Snuggle Suit for the Manly Man. (I want one with a camouflage trap door.)

The truth be told, I am not fast. I have been faithful to my wife, unless you count swiping her trick-or-treat candies.

And she's not to learn about those. You hear?!

Later, we viewed a late-night film, which I couldn't wait to discuss on Facebook.

Mike Durrett
Watching AMELIA. Huh? Is the movie about airplanes? Or gigantic teeth? I haven't seen anything this scary since JAWS, DRACULA & The Osmonds.

Friend Comment
You're only scared because you are up so late, go to bed!

Mike Durrett
Bed? Who can sleep? I'll be up all night flossing. I've left a voice mail consoling Bucky the Ipana Beaver. Mortimer Snerd phoned, having esteem issues...

Everybody in the movie keeps asking her to open their potato chip bags!

Amelia's overbite is so big, I expect it to leave marks in the next show I watch.

Sunday morning, we entered our 30th year of man-and-wifeyness with me responding to the family best wishes on Facebook.

Mike Durrett
Thanks, kids. We are so crazy in love, we just had waffles.

Safe waffles. After marriage.

Brother Comment
Stay warm. We have extra snow if you guys need any.

Mike Durrett
More snow coming here. Send syrup.

The "kids" reference is a term of endearment. We have no children. I was too tense, waiting for the invention of Facebook.

Donna also baked cookies and we went out to dinner. I chomped both meals and wrote about them on Facebook.

Anniversary concluded.

Then, we booked face.

Valentine's Decades

Today is my 29th wedding anniversary.

Thank you.

Surprisingly, it is also Donna's 29th wedding anniversary. We've made it together and we have pretty much outlived or been married longer than the wise skeptics who were certain we wouldn't remain coupled to the rice fling.

(We even triumphed over the pinto beans thunderboomers during our rice shower.)

To quote the immortal philosopher Snoopy:

"BLEAH!!"

Our secrets to a long marriage?

Well, I guess I can share them with the likes of you. S'okay...

We never go to bed angry. (We fall asleep on the sofa or in the computer chair, trying not to fume and scorch the furniture.

And, she's never called me Geraldo.

(We're saving that 'til Year 37.)

Take those to the bank, lovesters.

That's Not Right!

Maury Povich sent me a valentine.

I've never even met the guy!

He's married!

I'm married!

I can tell you one thing. He'd better not call me "Connie."

I am very disturbed.

Top 13 Tokens of Affection to Never Give Your Valentine

Don't Ask Me How I Know, but Trust Me on These

• A jawbreaker the size and scales of Godzilla's gallstone.

• A clutch purse full of Velcro colons.

• An old jar of hot pickled bad boys breath. (Evade the Motley Crüe.)

• A phony moustache to disguise the real moustache.

• Ankle-waxed fur boots.

• A paddle with the shrunken head of Katie Couric attached to a rubber band.

• A lint trap with a secret trapdoor for freedom fighter fuzz.

• Clip-on wart hair extensions.

• A blanket with sleeves and a mysterious stain at the wrist in the likeness of Wilford Brimley's left jowl.

• Any signature fragrance from the fine family of Barney Frank's handkerchiefs.

• A Slinky made from a coiled Andy Rooney eyebrow pluck.

• Alphabet soup spelling out exactly how the steam is clearing the nostrils.

• A Muppet eyeball for her navel socket.