Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On Physical Attributes

Friend Becky
I voted for you in the "Best Looking" contest.

Mike
Thank you. I'm certain it's because I have better than 20-20 vision.

On the Fourth of July

Friend Peter
Happy 235, America! You look great for your age!

Mike
California is a bit pudgy.

On the Future

Friend Frank
I'm looking forward to "Super 8" but I doubt that it'll be as good as the British original, "9.5."

Mike
I'm still smarting from Motel 6.

On Brilliance

Friend Bill
Continue to be amazed at the number of people who speak---orally or otherwise---without having a clue.

Mike
Colonel Mustard in the study with a candlestick.

On Tricks

Mike
I have a brown cat and two black-and-whites. That's three, but no cat juggling for me. I have no orange cats. It's a rule to juggle oranges.

Friend Donna
I have an orange cat. She would not be amused if I juggled her though.

Mike
Try sawing her in half.

Or pull a rabbit out of your cat.

Incomings

Continued From: "Incomings" and "Incomings"

Oh, goody, pinch me. It's another comedy quiz from radio historian Bob Middleton (a k a Bob Walker). Bob has a box of jokes I wrote three decades ago and he likes to test my memory of such international treasures and gut-busting antiquities, when he's not wallowing in same highly venerated box.

One of the following bits was written by someone other than Mikey. Am I up to the task of fingering it?

May I have the one-liners and the finger, please.

Bob

It's time for that great radio fun game, "Who Said That?"

• Coming up: The Muppet Kidney Chorus does its rendition of "It's Impassable."
  
  
• Things to Do Today:
  
  
• Give a propeller beanie to a rabbi.
  
• Drool excessively in a urologist's office.
  
  
• Lawrence Welk knew his show was canceled when he discovered Tums in his bubble machine.
  
  
• Summer Camp Tip: Avoid camps that have signs of Truman Capote wearing knee pants.
  
  
• Today on TV: Orson Welles and Shelley Winters will discuss noises they consider embarrassing.

Now tell me, who said that?

Mike

This is an easy one. All are mine, except Orson and Shelley, but I'm locating the Febreze, nevertheless.  

Bob

You are right, nipple nose. For your prize, you get a riding weed eater.

Coming up next, our feature film with Charlie Sheen. You will hear Charlie say, "Does this look infected?"

Incomings

Continued From: "Incomings"

Here's another quiz sent to me by Bob Middleton (a k a Bob Walker), my radio buddy, who has uncovered a stack of one-liners I wrote for deejays 30 years ago. Bob likes to test my memory, as I recall or delude, and floss chipmunks.

Bob

It's time to play that enthralling radio game "Who Said That?" Brought to you by the makers of Butt Putty.

OK, here are our items.

• At tax time, avoid going to an accountant named Bugsy.
  
• I gotta hurry home. Today, I replace the snake eyes on my fuzzy foam dash dice.
  
• Doing this show is more fun than tweezing Ernest Borgnine.

OK, it's up to you, our studio audience. Who said that? Mike or [another writer]?

Mike

Thank you. It's great to be on your show. Can we get some soap in the stall? Maybe some cling-free timothy?

Image via Wikipedia

As for my answers, nothing says "Mikey" like "fuzzy foam dash dice" and "tweezing Ernest Borgnine."

The Bugsy joke is not mine; it needs something more like stuttering spats.

Bob

You're right! For your coveted prize, you get a nice buttload of [name withheld, but funny!] Smoke Tartar. And you get a copy of our home game, "Ladies, Grab Your Seats."

You mean "Timothy" by The Buoys?

The Buoys: "Timothy" via YouTube

Mike

timo·thy (tim′ə t̸hē) [via YourDictionary.com]
noun
☆ a perennial European grass (Phleum pratense) with dense, cylindrical spikes of bristly spikelets, widely grown for hay

I'm leaning to publishing these endearingly lovely quiz emails, Bob, with your kind blessings and beer farts. I will delete any incriminating material, specifically the name of [name withheld, but funny!], who, I'm told, is particularly attracted to my bottom. (A lot of that going on around [location withheld].)

Bob

Print away. I would be more than delighted. Did I ever tell you [name withheld, but funny!] never wanted to [field trip withheld].

I can come up with reams of more material. I was cleaning up my spare room and came across your funny stuff. You've got quite a warped mind, my brother.

Mike

No, Bob, you never told me of that particular female peccadillo, but, thankfully, I shall be suitably troubled by it until my dying day and maybe another eternity.

Gulp. You made me swallow my gum. "Cleaning up my spare room."

Come to our house. We have plenty more [to tidy].

More to come...

Incomings

This round of correspondence was initiated by my radio partner, Bob Middleton (a k a Bob Walker), formerly of "Boss Bad Radio."

I kid the Bob.

Bob says of WBAD, "1570 on AM dial, just above the police frequencies."

He's been a Kansas radio favorite for three decades, currently at My 93-1, Hutchinson. Bob once sent me an autographed tumbleweed. It's still blowing east.

I've known Bob from his days at WRAS, WIIN-97, and Z-93, Atlanta. His cat, Pooper, once jumped on my head and I kinda liked it.

As the cleverly branded Mike and Bob, we hosted the morning show at WFOM, Marietta (an Atlanta suburb), 1978-80. One of our popular quotes: "7:14, 39 degrees."

Bob still uses that. I get no checks.

In the following years, I wrote comedy material and published "The Security Blanket," a joke sheet for radio announcers in the United States and Canada. The monthly issues were along the lines of "The Electric Weenie," another comedy source for deejays.

Out of the blue, last week, Bob started asking the hard questions. He had found his wayward box of -- *cough* -- adlibs.

Bob

It's time to play that great radio fun game "Who Said That?" We will tell you [four] goofy lines. Did Mikey say [it] or "The Electric Weenie"?

• I need more taxes like Flipper needs Nair.

• It's so nice out, I saw Mr. Peanut getting fitted with a Polaroid monocle.
  
• Mr. Whipple's ancestors were opposed to squatters' rights.
  
• Weird dentist. He has pin-ups of Marie Osmond's cavities.

OK, which one is not a Mikey quote?

Mike

Golly. The first two are mine and have my rhythms.

I'd say one of the last two is not mine, probably Marie Osmond. However, I am not sure, although I do recall the Mr. Whipple. I'd be so proud to squat. And thanks for squeezing it out of me.

I hope I win some Turtle Wax.

Bob

You're right, MIke! Just for answering our question, you win two used airline tickets to Tallapoosa and some Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat. Now, back to "Catch It and Keep It!"

Mike

So, I wrote the Squatters' Rights bit! Yay, me. ... I'm especially humbled.

More to come...

Big Weekend

Big weekend, watching my mouth. 

I had several friends, including the dear wife, insist I try some creepy Seaweed Snack.

Blech and nope.

What is so hard to understand about "I don't eat seafood!"

The Wrong and the Ugly

It's the Strand Theatre in Marietta, GA, which underwent a multi-million dollar renovation several years ago. Actress Joanne Woodward spent much of her childhood watching movies inside the Strand.

All of those funds to restore the facility to a nice venue, yet the management chooses to offer their motion picture presentations from blown-up and blurry home-quality DVDs, according to several disgruntled customers. I refuse to go there. I won't tolerate or reward such a flagrant lack of professionalism. There are minimum movie industry standards and this place doesn't make the cut, nor, apparently, the effort.

The Strand has also developed a reputation for projecting widescreen shows with severely cropped pictures. Large pieces of the puzzles are missing! The full width is important.

My friend Randy attended "Jaws." He was sickened by the essentially straight-down-the-middle DVD he was tricked into viewing. In that particular situation, approximately 40% of the Panavision cinematography was deleted from the combined left and right sides of the image.

Randy knew it was bad when the shark jumped out of the ocean and Roy Scheider said, "We're gonna need a bigger screen."

Recently, we had dinner near the, ahem, showplace. As we headed to our cars, Randy and I looked over at the Strand marquee to see advertised, the expansive panoramic beauty, "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly."

We knew what that meant. Randy turned and faced me.

In unison, we said, "The Bad!"

Lawn of the Dead

I attended a gathering at my friend Randy Stewart's house and while it was a borderline lovely event, some of the attendees were quite discombobulated and, yes, I'll say it, spooky.

I was rather concerned most of the night with their ghoulish stares, heavy-footed prances, and forlorn moans. I am considering suspecting it was the chili, but who can be sure?

I don't know how many of these stiffs I rescued from walking in place incessantly into the corners. I'd spin them around with a weenie tong and they'd shuffle aimlessly back to the party without a word of thanks.

Oh, I did get a couple of love bites. Must be cat people.

Also, having seen "Poltergeist," it is troubling to visit a new subdivision and discover your pal has a burial ground in his front yard. This can lead to chills and sequels.



I shan't nitpick. There was candy.

Ironically, several guests were nit enthusiasts and dibsed mine anyway.

Kayakity-Yak

My friend Bill Jackson, who doubles for the beloved actor William Colquitt in movies, plays, Las Vegas ooo-la-la! revues, evil dictatorships, and Halloween door-to-doors, sent along this photo.

Kathy and I went to the Broad River [Sunday] - floated down the river for about 2.5 hours.

They take you up the river about 5 miles in an old shool bus - saw this and (for some reason) thought of you....

I've made quite a following with my body fluids.

Big Weekend

My pal won $77,777.77 in the lottery.


Yeah. So?

I ate my first ever Nutter Butter.

More More High School Highs

Continued From: "High School Highs" and "More High School Highs"

Actual Adulation Out of the Annotated Pages of My Senior Class Yearbook

Davis flatters:

"Sometimes I'm not sure you have a brain, but outside of that you're a real cool guy."

A.K. lists the accomplishments:

"Well, there was the time he came running up and said, 'Listen to my first song. ... I-I-I was a teenage infant, baby...'

"And then there was the time he slapped me on the back and said, 'All hands on the rabbit!'

"And then there was the time he gave me a guided tour of Emory Cinema's toilet..."

I, uh, and, um, you see, I was the theatre's concierge / pointer.

Group rates. Bus drivers eat Necco Wafers free.

And, perhaps, the most touching and tender tribute to me would have to be the armpit faces Stanley S. drew on the wrestling team:

High School Highs

You might not readily surmise I am quite the sentimentalist. I do have my soft, squishy, warm protoplasm. A recent revisit to the beloved Druid Hills High School senior year annual underscores the yearning I have to remain connected to the youthful inspirations and the gallant champions of my past.

I shan't elaborate more because I'll surely tear up, so allow me to transcribe the actual yearbook inscriptions from a few of the fine souls who opened their hearts to me and my legacy, not to toot my horn, but to share their proactive universal humanity, gratitude, and emotion for a life well engaged.

Jim G. writes:

"To the man ... who has displayed the talents of acting like a fly-eating moron [and] who created the first "Cockroach Villa," the all-new, awe-inspiring sensation..."

Keay completes me:

"Question: Do roaches possess the same Constitutional rights as you and me? Is stepping on maggots an immoral act? Is the A-bombing of an anthill 'overkill'? ... Maybe you'll just become some skid row beggar, getting pennies and wooden nickels for your starving wife and children by telling elephant jokes."

K. Cohen shouts praise:

"Mike, knowing you has been quite an experience. I have learned much from you, like I'm Jewish. I wasn't sure until you told me. You sure are a lucky guesser.

"Well, Mike, as I walk through the cobwebs of life and through the doors of my synagogue, and until my dying day, your brilliant words of wisdom, justice, mercy and love of octopusses will ring through my ears: 'Are you Jewish?'"

Frank K. hugs:

"Dear Mike, it's been great getting to know you, even though at times I wish I could put lit matches in your ___."

And:

Mitchell & Petrillo as Martin & Lewis

As a fan of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, I am always amazed by, and delighted to share, a little-known cinematic curiosity, "Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla," from 1952. It stars two obscure performers, Duke Mitchell and Sammy Petrillo, who had the gumption to flat-out copy the stage and screen personas of Martin and Lewis, the team which had far surpassed the level of superstardom.

Jerry sued Sammy for, essentially, theft of his act and there was, reportedly, a cease and desist order issued. Oddly enough, before this movie and the stooge in the big monkey suit evolved, Sammy played either Jerry's kid brother or Jerry as a kid in a sketch with the real Jerry on TV's popular "Colgate Comedy Hour."

"Brooklyn Gorilla" is fascinating to watch, though unbearably watchable. Sammy Petrillo is the entire show. He had Jerry down, plus the gifts of uncanny, lanky and gawky physical attributes.

For comparisons, here are the movie trailers of Martin and Lewis' great hit, "Sailor Beware," the previous year, followed by Mitchell and Petrillo's great bomb, their only team film.

Mr. Lugosi, by the way, was plummeting through his famously sad decline and is not much more than a marketing ploy in the picture.


Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis in "Sailor Beware" (1951) via TCM


Duke Mitchell and Sammy Petrillo in "Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla" (1952) via Internet Archive

I shared the Petrillo trailer with pals Ray and Frank, my go-to guys for Martin and Lewis mania. What follows is our enlightened postmortem discourse, including the actual email treatises.

"Gals, Gags, and Goofs"

This picture has everything!

Ray

I once goofed with a gal and made her gag.

[Frank]

Thanks for sharing.

[Mike]

No problem. That's what I'm here for. To give. And to goof and gag. And possibly to gal.

[Frank]

>>"Gals , Gags , and Goofs"
This picture has everything !<<

I concur, but they should not have been shy and said, "and Goons," too.

And, "and Movie Star Drug Addict Needing Fix Cash," but that's kinda hard to say in words starting with "G."

[Mike]

"Geezer Groping for Ganja."

[Frank]

I stand corrected.

[Mike]

"Sailor Beware"

Got Smarts

My friend Bill and I went to see "Get Smart," while our wives and a gaggle of gal pals threw a feast to schmooze about feta cheeses, sangrias, and all things "darling," except men who go to see "Get Smart."

Would you believe he left the movie to buy popcorn and never returned?

Would you believe I hiked and spelunked the entire 24-screen theatre and concourses to locate him?

Would you believe he was meditating with a Kung Fu Panda?

And loving it.

And stuck.


I spent forever hopping Bill across the parking lot and into the car. He's a big guy, which made the wincing even more poignant.

Fortunately, he was driving and his pointy leg could stretch out of the window.

It took another seven hours back to the house since we could only make lefts.


More Bill: "Another Dream Served" | "Dishonorable" | "Jolly Green Juvenile Delinquent"

Jolly Green Juvenile Delinquent

Continued From: "Dishonorable"

There is good news for William Colquitt, my actor pal. He is in a summer movie blockbuster.

On June 13, get ready to unleash the beasts.


Meet Li'l Junior Banner, The Incorrigible Hulk.

Dishonorable

Our friend William Colquitt is a great actor, a chameleon in every role. Sadly, it's a nightmarish weekend for him. "Made of Honor" opened in movie theatres yesterday.


Bill's scenes were cut from the film and reshot with Michelle Monaghan. Go figure.

'Titanic in 5 Seconds'

_{Can't see the video? Try here.}
Frank Thompson is an authority on the Titanic, so I sent him the "Titanic in 5 Seconds" movie with a note.

"I think this is the cut version. I timed it as 'Titanic' in two seconds."

Frank says:

"Trust me, the other three seconds were just padding."

Subject: 'Computer Milestone'

Mike's Mailbag

I received an Internet letter from my fine friend Scott Hardin, who is a go-to guy for everything technical. He's up-to-the-nanosecond on all about electricity, motion picture equipment, stage machinery, theatre acoustics design, musical instruments, flying cars, and Blimpie banana peppers.

So, when Scott enlightens mankind with his computer wisdom, I take notice, standing at attention alongside a moonlighting court stenographer wielding a precision Sharpie pen over a paw of Post-It pads.

Here's what Nadine transcribed for me from Scott's email. (He's gonna learn us how to copy-and-paste one day. I am counting on it! Nadine's non-committal, being around so-called "reformed" felons too much and having them break her heart and "#1 Eavesdropping Grandma" mug.)

I am very close to porting over all the emails I wanted to save from the old computer to the newer old computer. My email inbox alone had about 4300 messages before starting. After much deleting, moving, and organizing it is now down to ZERO messages. ... That's a Z followed by an ERO. I didn't think it was possible to ever have an inbox with ZERO messages. I can't recall seeing one before.

Maybe the early westward settlers would have the occasional zero emails, since there were much fewer people to correspond with back then and you could go for days without seeing a typing cowpoke. I'm sure the locals at the Monument Valley gift shop would offer to carry your email by horse for you though, if you bought one of their cheap bracelets ... some things never change.

We'll see what happens when I change over to DSL. I hope it doesn't just fill up faster. I hear there's a software patch you can install to Outlook Express that will tilt your inbox ever so slightly so that all the email if left alone will eventually wind up on your floor. If your floor looks like mine you'll never notice it. Here's hoping.

-Scott

100 Things About Me #126

Continued From: "100 Things About Me #125," part of the "Back to School" sequence

Welcome to the Mating Game

The main floor of Fernbank, my primary school in Atlanta, quartered the offices of the principal and nurse, library, and sixth grade classrooms. As mentioned previously, I was seated beyond the second door to the right when John F. Kennedy was assassinated, yet that's not all I recall on the hall.

There was Becky.

I may have been too young in the sixth grade for a true case of "puppy love," so what I experienced was more accurately "canine embryo like."

Or "pre-pimples dementia."

Becky and I had been veteran classmates, but all of a sudden we found ourselves or our official delegates running back and forth, asking, "Do you like me?" or "Do you like Becky/Mike?"

We'd answer, "Yessss" or "Noooo." And then we'd all run away from each other real quick.

I don't know about her, but I'd regroup and puff a candy cigarette.

This went on incessantly for several weeks and then it stopped. I was crushed, even though we had never held hands or had a date or a conversation.

I could never bring myself to speak to Becky again, not even in high school. I wasn't being a jerk. I'd been perpetually stunned.

I do not believe I've seen Becky since the night we graduated and headed for college. Donna, ignore this part when you proofread this entry. If Becky were to suddenly appear, I'm sure I'd want to know if she, well, likes me, but I'd probably be too busy spit-taking, hyperventilating, and hiding to ask.


100 Things: #1 | Previous | Next

Another Dream Served

Continued From "Star Sighting," part of a sequence beginning with "Fall Festivals O' Fun"


My actor friend, William Colquitt, has long wanted to shoot a picture with Owen Wilson.


Making miracles happen. It's what I do.


Continued: "Let's Go, Ladies, a One, A Two..."
Also: Fall Festivals O' Fun - 2005 Gallery #1-8

Horrendously Escalating Bad News

Okay, I was willing to accept that bad news comes in threes and, maybe, sixes and, perhaps, nines, yet I'm down with the tenth -- which means a dang dozen.

First, my cat dies and the Weedwacker works and the air is let out of my chef's hat and Popeye's bye-bye and a turban's AWOL and the broccoli's cockamamie and a sex scandal looms and "wash me" and Damon's a deadbeat.

Now, Kathy blinks!


My pal, Bill, telephones me from Obradoiro Square in Spain, just like last year, and demands I take the couple's photo via a Webcam.

But, c'mon! Work with me! Work with me, people! I'm an artiste!