Mike Durrett: Private Eye
It's midnight. I'm on the night beat.
Nights like this, it doesn't pay to be hardboiled. Two scrambled. Side of raisin toast. I whine for Mixed Fruit. Okay, Grape's good. Jelly, my beverage of choice.
12:09 a.m. - I check the want ads. 40% want ads. 67% want Olive Garden two-fers with breadstick. 12% like "Hi & Lois" in color.
12:17 a.m. - I'm in no mood for cup of Joe. Nasty. I U-turn outta the urinal, sour faced and never been zipped. I hold it for something to dew later.
12:18 a.m. - I break into the cold outside the diner and wait.
12:43 a.m. - I put a tail on suspicious couple, pulling away from Musso & Frank's. I don't think they spot me as we cruise under the glints of ancient neon along Hollywood Blvd.12:44 a.m. - They floor their sedan, trapping me at the traffic light by the Wax Museum. I hop out and run around my car and dive back in before red turns to green.
12:48 a.m. - Jeepers, this is a long light.
12:49 a.m. - I finger through my loot bag with the last of the Halloween treats. A candy corn. A candy toenail.
12:50 a.m. - GREEN! I'm off!...
1:37 a.m. - There they are! One of those "We Never Close" Aquafina machines, a block due west of Dayton.
1:38 a.m. - I park dark and watch. The moll whiffs my cologne, drops the bottle. Her water breaks. They dosado and allemende left into the front seats of the Volvo, but fast. Some people will never learn "Aquafina originates from public water sources and then is purified through a rigorous, seven-step process called HydRO-7™."
2:22 a.m. - I lose them at the QT near Holly Springs, GA. Shoot, man, I have to gas up -- and cup of Mike.
3:11 a.m. - All is quiet. I newfangle practice newfangled text messaging on newfangled cell phone, forgoing thumbs, using the butt of a 45.
(I lie about my age.)
Exactly. I know how you feel. I hate when others do Norm Crosby's act. That damn Mamie Eisenhower.
4:52 a.m. - Barnaby. Barnaby Durrett. I like it. Maybe when I'm fighting crime at 90.
5:48 a.m. - Scribbled note to self on matchbook cover:
SEE DENTIST RE: NEW FANG. MAYBE A BLING.
6:23 a.m. - I wonder. Is matchbook affectation still impressing chicks? It's a ruse. I never smoke. Cigarettes are dangerous to my arias. Few love a hacking prima donna.
7:14 a.m. - Crawl into bed. Carpet needs raking.
7:15 a.m. - Pat snooze button on cat. I'm out to lunch.
Mikellaneous
My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less
I have an evening planned in the company of Cruella De Vil. We have tickets to her 101 DALMATIANS musical. Note to Self: Don't wear spots.
Eying that ShamWow mop. Wondering should I wait for the 2010 model? The new strains of soup spills and canned beets drips will be vicious.
Looking ahead to my work on the RADIO CITY CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR. I went in for pre-show orientation. I learned they don't provide Mikettes.
I just ran around our house and knocked on the front door. We've got Kraft Fudgies!! Trick-or-Treat!!!!!
I went trick-or-treating as Vince of ShamWow! Everyone said, "Hey, it's Mike of SlamChow!" ... Ingrates.
We had a fight. She Halloweened as Cruella De Vil. Me? Vince from ShamWow. I buffed the spots off her puppies.
@kellyskelly reports: "I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to." Oh, me, too. Obviously, mine say: "Snack. Wrinkle. Poop."
Article asks me: "Why Aren't Curly Light Bulbs Perfect Yet?" ... That's easy: Moe government.
Thanks @SoCalVillaGuy, @kellyskelly, @sheryl_oconnell & @WH2H_Radio for the recent mentions. I'll be over soon for my lawn jockey shifts.
Michael Jackson ... THIS IS IT! ... Yeah. ... I'm there. ... As soon as I get my glove blocked.
Twitter Birds by SpoonGraphics
Meanwhile...
Morty had an excellent Halloween, thank you very much. I took him trick-or-treating door to door with his plastic jack-o'-lantern, soon filled to the brim with bite-sized Pounce, Meow Mix, and fetid shrimp by-products.His able seafarer costume never fails to enrapture, but, if truth be told, Morty was actually channeling former Secretary of State Madeleine Korbel Albright, a curious, but highbrow, landlubberly choice. I just wish this kitty weren't so political and more whiskery.
We returned home and Morty embarked on his fishy snacks coma, accompanied by this year's horror movie classic, "Ghost Dogs," which we present for you here. That boy will be wailing in bed for days....
Off the Wall
Saving Facebook: My Confessions: On Learning My Burlesque Dancer Name Is Chantal Champagne:
Well, I had been hoping for "Biggish Binky Peterson and His Palpitating Patter."
I would doubt whether these Facebook [quizzes] are calibrated properly, but I need the fivers in my unmentionables.
On Learning My Captain Underpants Name Is Boxer Boy:
I was gonna make a crack, but that somehow seems redundant.
On Learning My Gangster Name Is Sammy 'The Stud' Lonardo:
I was thinking that.
On Learning My Looney Tunes Name Is Elmer Fudd:
Grrrrrrrrrr!
I mean, Gwwwwwwwwww!
In Response to "Cheetos? You've Given Up Cheetos?? I Had No Idea You Were That Strong!!":
If you don't count the INTENSE WEEPING, yes, I am that strong.
In Response to "Little Magical Clowns? You Are Interested in Little Magical Clowns?":
I can't put my finger on what you are referencing. My finger has a LMC on it at the moment....
Our anniversary pounces Feb. 14. Mike, put your arms across your eyes and scream!
Mike Durrett thinks his Mom may be speaking from the beyond - and compelled the lad to buy & eat a box of Ginger Snaps. So unlike him but definitely her.
The cookies are snappier without dunking. They are not called Ginger Sogs.
Lawn of the Dead
I attended a gathering at my friend Randy Stewart's house and while it was a borderline lovely event, some of the attendees were quite discombobulated and, yes, I'll say it, spooky.I was rather concerned most of the night with their ghoulish stares, heavy-footed prances, and forlorn moans. I am considering suspecting it was the chili, but who can be sure?
I don't know how many of these stiffs I rescued from walking in place incessantly into the corners. I'd spin them around with a weenie tong and they'd shuffle aimlessly back to the party without a word of thanks.
Oh, I did get a couple of love bites. Must be cat people.
Also, having seen "Poltergeist," it is troubling to visit a new subdivision and discover your pal has a burial ground in his front yard. This can lead to chills and sequels.
I shan't nitpick. There was candy.
Ironically, several guests were nit enthusiasts and dibsed mine anyway.
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