Cats do know how to party, as seen in these instructional motion pictures from Japan.
I pride myself as The Prince of the Procrastinators -- or I will just as soon as I get around to it.
Item: "Baseball-logo caskets hit the market." Going to Heaven? Get buried at home plate. Hell? Plopped out foul. Purgatory? On-deck circle.
News item: "Shopper stops carjacker with frozen turkey." Stuffed the kicking out of him.
I was going to get one of those Batman suits & call it a Mikeman suit 'til a tailor referred to my inseam measurement as "The Stark Blight."
Prepping for the new 007 movie, I've rewatched "Casino Royale," punched out thugs, doomed megalomaniac kingpins & bedded princesses. Showtime!
News item: "The average person passes gas about 14 times per day." I've always known I was meant for greatness.
PASADENA - At a time of general belt-tightening, Australia-based Gold Class Cinemas is betting that movie audiences in Old Pasadena will shell out $22 to $32 apiece to enjoy what they call "the ultimate luxury cinema experience...."
Patrons can meet in the lounge or bar, [businessman Rob] Goldberg said, then eat dinner cooked by an executive chef - Kobe beef and lobster, perhaps - while watching movies from a reclining armchair in a 40-seat theater....
And no, he said, it's not like sitting in your recliner at home, eating dinner on a tray in front of the big-screen television.
"Number one, people probably don't have butlers, and a 30-foot screen ... and they probably don't have Dolby 5.1 digital sound," Goldberg said. "If you get cold, you can press a call button and they'll bring you a blanket. Seriously!"
"...It's like a movie and a spa at the same time," he said. "You can truly relax and be good to yourself."
I'll go, but renting a car for three weeks (or more), gas, PEZ, and all those motels will add up.
He is not my daddy!
Who my daddy?
I'm my daddy!
Yipe. That woke me up.
I'm rethinking the beard and nose hair trimmer.
We've rewatched "Casino Royale." We're up to speed on Jimmy Bond and Mata Hari Bond.
In honor of "Quantum of Solace," I think you should star in the next 007 movie.
Taking a hint from your previous theatrical billing, it could be called, "The Man with the Golden Weenie."
Thank you for your interest. "The Man With the Golden Twinkie" might be the more appropriate title, or, perhaps, [in an allusion to creamy snack cake filling] the less product-placed, "Siphoned, Not Spurt."
I may have to pass on "Dr. Node," "Blunderball," "From Russia With AAA Rayovacs," and "Pullfinger."
How are you? I've got a big weekend planned. I'm gonna load up my Water Pik and drown roaches.
No, actually, I'm gonna watch repeats of "My Name Is Earl" for fashion tips.
NO, really, folks, I'm going down to the Quick Shop and point at the dogs that are done.
I'll be shaving. Fess Parker mistook me for his hat.
Since my throat is sore and my epiglottis is wrinkly, I'll be dunking cough drops in Preparation H.
And there's our party for the neighborhood mutts to show-off the new punch toilet bowl.
May your blood pressure pop your hair plugs.
Why is Fess Parker's name funny? HA HA.
May Moms Mabley gum your breakfast nook.
May Joe the Plumber snake your juice box.
May Snooky Lanson splatter walnuts in your pie hole.
I got my first medical alert bracelet. Some of them caution "Diabetes" or "Coumadin." Mine says "Raisinets."
Just in: "Pope meets with Muslim scholars, urges better ties." Might I suggest some nice pocket squares & Gillette® The Best a Man Can Get™?
I guess you've heard, Paris Hilton was not elected President of the United States. She was going to lower necklines & raise hell. No Change.
The robocalls have stopped! No more: "Hello, this is Franklin D. Roosevelt, calling from beyond the grave for my good friend, Barack Obama."
Citgo gas fell half to $1.99 per gallon. It's like a 2-for-1 sale. Buy one gallon, get 2nd gallon free! C'mon, throw in a Hugo Chávez plush.
Sen. John McCain is coming, but I'll pass. The entire event is only an hour, so he won't be able to say much or sing his Streisand medley.
News item: "Man assaults girlfriend for opening his Vienna Sausages." Ahh, The Curse of the Little Wieners.
I am not on Facebook that I remember, so I can't invite either of you to be my "friend." You do, of course, have open invitations to be my "yard boy." There's a rake behind the shed.
Here's my address for our postmaster and her toothless, inbred brood -- and mutt, Fifi Joe:
We're in the market for new cell phones, too. We're looking for one that plays "Mike Stokey's Pantomime Quiz."
Thank you and have a Dippity Doo night.
You know, I was raised by wolves with wax lips.
"I put nose drops in my ear. Now I can hear my cologne."
"I've got one word for all of you, shoplift.
"Thank you and goodnight!"
"I'm sad that I've now missed my chance to talk with him about 'Studs' Place,' his TV show from the early 50s. As far as I know, besides 'Kukla, Fran and Ollie,' it was the only completely improvised show on TV."
1. I bought a ticket and watched the mutt movie.
2. Back outside--
Let's just say I'm blogging this from jail....
"Why, yes, that is my natural aura. And, no, I, nice young man that I am, am not available for debutante escorting."
Well, not so fast. Seems there are legal restrictions afoot.
Take the State of Georgia where the motto is "Wisdom, Justice and Moderation."
Requiring someone to say they voted in order to receive a free coffee - that’s a felony....
No word if an individual would get the electric chair upon conviction. But thankfully Starbucks and Krispy Kreme have modified the promotion so you aren’t required to break the law in order to get free stuff.
"To ensure we are in compliance with election law, we are extending our offer to all customers who request a tall brewed coffee," said Starbucks’ spokeswoman Tara Darrow.
I fed my cat the last of my yogurt. And I had some Jell-o. And then I couldn't remember if I changed spoons. Gotta go scratch the couch...
Our small town's Party Shop closed, we feared, but it's relocated up the street. Phew, what a relief. We still have our source for wax lips.
It was IRON MAN night at our house, my wife's idea, yay! So she plugged in the iron and had me press the wrinkles out of all of her clothes.
It pains me to say this, but watching IRON MAN made my dental work hurt.
New ABOUT WEB HUMOR: 10 Very Good Reasons Why You Should Grow a Giant Beard http://tinyurl.com/5lk9fn
People are asking me to put my fur where my mouth is and grow a giant beard. Hold on, I have! I've got one now! Unfortunately, it's ingrown.
Ringo Starr is refusing to sign autographs ever. I'm not signing autographs either, but mostly because no one gives me checks to endorse.
Headline: "Man shoots himself in arm after being denied sex." "When Masturbation Goes Bad" on the next "Springer."
I tell ya, masturbation doesn't always work, but don't take it out on yourself.