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My Confessions and Observations on Twitter:
 

Dawn. First dumpster of coffee of the day. Pinkie out. Single teacakes pallet. Reducing...

We never know what will appear in our forest, especially after sundown. I just saw three Fess Parker hats strolling up the driveway.

It is a shame I do not fly. I enjoy a good travel nightmare.

We ate at a Mexican restaurant which cooks the food in wine sauce. Dagnabbit! Cop pulled me over. Breathalyzer level: "Quesadilla."

Watched BEST FOOT FORWARD (1943), Lucille Ball's 1st film as a redhead. She plays herself and, as in private life, sings w/her voice dubbed.

My self-directed continuing education paid off today. Reading the 1950 BEETLE BAILEY comic strips, I learned of his kid brother, Chigger!

I see a local restaurant is advertising a Seafood Festival. I'll go for the rides and I collect kewpie dolls with gill slits.

 

The cap to the quart of oil I added to my car fell into the oil tank, unfetchable! So far, no Molten Glob of Plastic light on the dashboard.

Yipe! My nightmare was so-so, but competently directed by the ghost of Norman Taurog. Stock footage from DR. GOLDFOOT & THE BIKINI MACHINE.

Reading Louisa May Alcott's THIN MINTS.

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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter:

Woke up to discover The Macaroon Fairy has arrived. I ask no questions. I tear into the Ziploc. Mmmmmmm, macaroony...

I see where Facebook is developing a HOUSE, M.D. game. We play the board game. My wife is the cane. I'm the Vicodin. No die. Just hunches.

My wife force-fed me a salad for lunch. I survived it. I'm all svelte and healthy now. Do you know me? Let's go shopping!...

I've received notice Yanni is coming. Typo. Should read: "Yawni."

I had to get out of bed very early this morning. My kitty Melvin has assumed The Warm Spot. Aww, they grow up so fast....

@OMGFacts sez: "An old form of torture involved getting your feet licked by a goat!" Nowadays, we just watch THE VIEW.

My wife's class reunion is tonite. I'm too nauseous to attend. I feel awful missing the event, but it is kinda cool skipping *school* again.

Thanksgiving Collateral Damage Assessment: People, I'm thankful for eye tests. Get one! I'm still sponging gravy ladled on my wattle.

My big brothers, Bobby and Billy, are Veterans. Thank you for your service and hand-me-down shirts.

I am not a military veteran, but for a time I did wear a clip-on bow tie and serve movie snacks to the public. Thank me for my Goobers.

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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter:

Petrified cats! Power tools! It can mean only one thing: the renovations have begun.

Halloween scares me. Woe, the wax lips shortages.

One thing, living in the forest: no trick-or-treaters. Oh, I did get a bear dressed as Bambi, but I gave him candy deer corn & he went away.

12 yrs., we've not had 1 trick-or-treater. Kindly me stockpiles lotsa candy just in case. So far, I've managed to find it a good home. *urp*

Item: BOND 23 gets its title: SKYFALL. I was hoping for 007 GOIN' COCONUTS, but that's just me and Oddjob.

We may have had an intruder, a titmouse. Our cat Melvin was on the prowl all night long. Thank you for your service.

Daylight Saving Time change means new battery in smoke detector. Wife foaming at the mouth on Halloween means Crest excess or rabies shot?

I had a dream, an awesome dream altering the fabric of time, like, by an hour. WHAP! I'm awake now. Nothing broken. I'm noticeably younger..

Confession: I turned my clocks back 37 minutes. It'll decrease my wait times.

[Two Days After Halloween]
Jehovah's Witnesses appeared on our porch, moments ago. I told them we were all out of Butterfingers and shut the door.

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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter:

My television emitted a Kajagoogoo reference. I got up off of my couch and slapped the set. It's better now.

I see @kirklands is on Twitter. Suddenly, it smells like wicker and cinnamon in here. Ick. I'll wait out in the car....

My connecting with these kids today clicks. We hunky-dory. More Goober peas for me peaps!

Drat. I missed some event in ATL called Day of the Cupcake. I would've liked to attend. I was at Day of Crumbs on the Bottom of the Oreo Bag.

Oops. I missed commemorating my 3500th tweet. My impeccable life has been blemished. Damn you, Twitter! Aaarrgh, a misstep. I need a skink..

I've been asked to participate in ATLANTA BALLET'S NUTCRACKER. Okay, but no starch in the tutu.

Watched RAISING HOPE. Not one, not two, but THREE spit-takes in a single episode! ... Bliss.

News: Porn Bunkers for the Apocalypse. In my small town, selection limited to the landfill with a blow-up possum in knee breeches and snood.

Picking out the perfect ascot and ear trumpet for my first day as a hip-hop mogul...

I saw an ad for Shaggy's Doggy Daycare. I'm the type of guy who would go get a puppy just so I could say "Shaggy's Doggy Daycare."

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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter:

Just sayin "just sayin." ... Just sayin.

Watched my 1st ever RAISING HOPE episode. Why was I not told about this show? Who are you people keeping me in the dark? I never liked you.

Planning to see DOLPHIN TALE this weekend. It's in 2-D, so we don't need to wear glasses, but, oddly, we do have to have blowholes.

Not getting much writing done. Finally, after 11 hours, my sleepy cat Morty has relinquished the desk chair. Just in time for my nap.

To All the Girls Who Didn't Fall in Love and Marry Me: Friday night, my wife and I will be watching BABE and BABE: PIG IN THE CITY in HD. =p

I hate to waste a shower. I took one earlier and promptly spilled a mug of coffee on my lap. Wet. I got another hour to sit on this saucer.

I'm eating rugged, original recipe Cheerios, not those fancy schmancy Multi Grain Cheerios my wife prefers. I'm a man. I'm holier than thou.

Some nights are harder than others to work in dinner anecdotes about de-ticking Dog the Bounty Hunter. ... Who wants watermelon?...

CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG sequel on the way. What? Huh? CHITTY CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG BANG?

CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG sequel reported to have a 21st century angle. Then, I'd be calling it CHEETOS CHEETOS BONG BONG.

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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter: 

I'm considering Nutrisystem, but I worry when I start to look like Marie Osmond, guys will buy me dinners and I'll just get fat again.

In my tub this morning, Dial 3-D. Yes, 3-D Dial Soap. What? Huh? I read the fine print. "3-D Odor Defense: Dirt. Decay. Durrett." What? Huh?

I'm Olympic athlete Mark Spitz. No, wait. I'm Golden Girl Rue McClanahan. Nope. I'm Swee'Pea. Nay.. I hate it when I lose my driver license.

Today on DOBIE GILLIS: Dobie and Dad join Maynard in drag. Nothing says beauty like a chick with a goatee.

My box of Popsicles was grossly disfigured during a long power failure, yet they're still juicy. I just graped Flipper on a stick.

We're having a cool spell. I'm cramming vocabulary with Zack and Screech.

Item: 18-month-old Cambodian boy feeds himself by suckling milk from a cow. Toddle to Iceland, kid, moos give soft serve.

GHOSTBUSTERS (1984) to get theatrical re-release. Who I gonna call? ... Nobody.

Watched the UP ALL NIGHT pilot. I do not want to have a baby with those people. Adios. Hello Match.com...

RIP Tom Wilson, Sr., 80, creator of comic strip hero ZIGGY. In lieu of flowers, I am wearing no pants.

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There was a chipmunk giving me the evil eye outside my bedroom window this morn. I gave him the evil stomach. This is not going to end well.

The diet word has reared its svelte head again. Diet? Diet?! ... What? And give up conglobating?

Thinking of high school. Memories never cease. I'm in my 47th year of not being able to climb that damn rope.... Can I shower & go home now?

My streak continues. Still no tip of the Hatlo hat.

Job search promising. I've got future work lined up. Banjo troubadour in the Zombie Apocalypse.

I was given a coupon for "Lip-smackin' great taste," Kit & Kaboodle Cat Food. How disgusting. I eat it with my mouth closed.

And now it's that magical time of the decade: yard work....

Saw RANCHO NOTORIOUS (1952) with Lili Von Shtupp. One simply cannot get enough of that THE LEGEND OF CHUCK-A-LUCK toe tapper. Stampede me.

Today on DOBIE GILLIS, Dobie hears those magic words that pretty much sum up our dating careers: "It's chow and Homesville."

I bought a new weedwacker. The other one I put out to pasture. Goodnight, everybody! I'll be here all week! Try the quesadillas!

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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter:

Large Marge sent me.

My doctor has FORBIDDEN me from high impact activities "like jogging on pavement or jumping out of airplanes." Darn the luck!

I fear the Whitman's Sampler people are rummaging my clothes hamper. I'll let you know if they abscond with my toffee chip & molasses chew.

My wife informs me I cannot change my name to Pépé le Moko. "Ciao, charmed, we're Donna & Pépé le Moko Durrett." *sigh* ... class warfare...

Pretend it's 2010. I found this unused bit in my notes: "My dentist canceled all appointments. Tarballs in the spit sink."

My pal is about to watch FROM HERE TO ETERNITY (1953) for the first time. It's the gem in the canon of films with a guy named Fatso in it.

Item: "Waffle House Offers Reward for Bandits." But only if they're Scattered, Smothered, Covered, Chunked, Topped & Diced.

Item: "Australian researchers say 1 hour of TV takes 22 minutes off your life." So, they averaged in the suicides during THE NANNY?

My doctor says I'm too sedentary; I need to exercise. So, now, every time I type a colon, I do it with a curl and holler, "COWABUNGA!"

My haircut appointment has been confirmed. I'll bring everyone clippings for your lockets.

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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter: 

Big Friday night, staying up late, scarfing Craisins.

Um, it appears one should not ask the wife if she's attending Crabfest at Red Lobster, even with elevating her prestige to keynote speaker..

I may throw in the towel on my dream to play Gretl in THE SOUND OF MUSIC. I might be too old. Now, I wrinkle to be Miss Marple.

In regards to my sideburns, I use the Side-Unguentine.

I have run out of puttering. Guess I must move to the next level of incompetent, mindlessly executed chores. The road to naps is cruel.

My weedwacker is ailing. I will be taking it to the weedwacker hospital. I think it's dehydrangeaed.

Congrats to friends Kimberly and Randy, who bought their first house today. Is our room ready? My lava lamp has shipped.

The best wife ever! Peanut brittle & clean T-shirts, all in 1 nite! And we snubbed (hid from) a maybe dead snake in our yard! Romantic, huh?

Oh, I see Diet Coke is on Twitter. Let's have a group fizz.

I weighed myself: 203.5 lbs. Then, ahem, relieved myself and was pleased about it. Weighed again immediately. Down to 204. I just can't win.

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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter:

When I'm not busy being a trophy husband, I'm usually exhaling, trying to catch some oxygen. Whoo! I'm cramping, as the room spins....

Days are growing shorter. Personally, I like a day that accessorizes my height.

I've concluded my first-ever pineapple topping pizza. You have got to be kidding. OK, but it's no p'nut butter & mayonnaise sandwich. Slurp.

Watched: Agatha Christie's POIROT. The famous detective actually said, "It was a dark and stormy night." He reads Snoopy.

My tastes have changed over a lifetime. I'm more of a sophisticate & epicurean. Deep introspection, smoking a mentholated bubblegum cheroot.

Watched CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF (1958). Everybody "Big Daddy, this. Big Daddy, that." I'd be grateful to have people call me "Medium Daddy."

I'm reluctant to grasp CBS won't be making any more episodes of THE KEEFE BRASSELLE SHOW.

Saw my silhouette in a mirror. I'm looking more and more like Fred Flintstone. Embarrassing. Going to grab my ball and Barn and go bowling..

I was expecting something more expansive.... CAPTAIN AMERICA 3-D: DAYTON, DES MOINES, DETROIT.

No one spells correctly anymore. I ordered two tickets to Funkytown. They came in the mail. We're going to FungiCare.

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Thumbelina, Thumbelina, tiny little thing, Thumbelina dance, Thumbelina sing.... Can you tell my wife's away? Sign me: Lonely in Sleepytown.

Looking for work. My expertise? ... Checking Pinky Winters for glove chafe -- and meltage.

I wanna see CARS 2 in a drive-in. It's only proper, but I need to decide to see it with GREEN LANTERN or PIRATES 4. Ugh. Revoke my license.

I abandoned my home for an all-nite CPAP Titration. I'd tell you what that means, but I'd no longer be the cool kids' king.

That time of the year again and the age old question: What'll it be? Watermelon or Buttermilkmelon? Slurpeecantaloupe? Listerinehoneydew?

July 3rd, the day the Founding Fathers cussed & cussed & cussed, argued & argued & argued, & went & played golf. The Heck with deadlines.

4th of July and the stores are out of Smart Dogs. No holiday hot dogs for Mikey. This is a travesty! And THIS is a pizza. Mmmmh, ggglllll...

I heart Independence Day. This vat o' tater salad may clog it....

I told my wife the last of the pound cake is hers. I am loving & fair. ... Um, I just ate it. I am a man without honor, but WITH POUND CAKE!

Eye Surgery Follow-Up: Doc lasered my "After Cataract." The After Party was lacking. No girls. No onion dip. But we did one-two cha cha cha.

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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter: 

Had @RepWeiner's resignation on the TV in the next room. Did I hear correctly? "I'm going undercover as Big Momma."

My cat Melvin is threatening to change his name to Melvis. Why not? I'm Michaelvis.

Finally saw LIFE WITH FATHER (1947). Wm Powell & Irene Dunne would be heavyweight parents, though I'd be in a li'l suit learning the violin.

Nosebud. I didn't want to make time, but I was compelled to do so, a fascinating read: THE MANY NOSES OF ORSON WELLES: http://t.co/cP7koew

On this day [June 20] 1924, America's most decorated WWII combat soldier -- and movie star -- Audie Murphy was born. Thanks for your service & oaters.

Transforming my outdated bathroom into my dream bathroom. Yeah. Sure. I'm doing that.

Simply torn up I must miss HOTTIES VERSUS NERDS WIPE-OUT. Thursday is my night for SKANKS VERSUS SKUNKS RIPE-IN. Keith Olbermann smells.

I'm considering the dazzling technological achievement, Total Pillow, "5 pillows in 1," as I am the state-of-the-art 5 snoozers in 1.

Braved my third cataract operation. Not because I have three eyes, but because I will do anything for post-op cookies and juice.

My eye surgeon was pleased with my check-up. I see 20/14 distance & read the bottom line close up. I said, "I can see clear into next week."

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My nocturnal leg cramp can beat up your father. 

SpongeBob SquarePants has 23,134,095 more Facebook friends than me, but I retain water better.

I'm considering following @BabyWeiner and Twitter tells me, "Similar to @JoyVBehar." ... Oh, how I've suspected that....

The celebrities, they write to me: @BabyWeiner sez to @MikeDurrett: "i am nothing like joy behar. much shorter."

The grand email has arrived: "@BabyWeiner is now following you (@MikeDurrett)." Boy, that takes me back to the horror of my radio career....

@TeachFilm asks: "What makes a great film, great?" -- I know! I know! Sprocket holes.

Now playing, according to my satellite radio's limited display screen: "Frank Sinatra: 'I Could Have Dan.'"

My wife is off on a scenic weekend trip through the Tenn. mountains, but I have to stay home & eat up the garlic bread before it goes stale.

You know, I'm a peace-loving man, yet I have never -- not once, not one time -- have I been engaged in fisticuffs by Foo.

My navel orange has an innie. The one yesterday was pierced with a dangly pendant.

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Undergoing snacking issues. Threw the head back to gulp, but we're all out of frosting in a can. So, I've moved on to the squirt mustard....

Well, just great. Another day shot and not one, not one person favored me with a tune.

Still not seeing ISHTAR, but realize I am slowly giving in.

Rewatched W.C. Fields' TILLIE AND GUS (1933). I have to love any film that has an unnecessary pet duck waddling through the entire picture!

I watched four 1950s movies by director Roy Del Ruth last night. Today, I am baritone, overly cheery and acrobatic hoofing in a sailor suit.

Uh oh. Spring Fever just hit. Time for my three-month nap....

Watching THE NIGHT OF THE HUNTER. My body’s just a-quivering with cleanliness and substituting the Alka-Seltzer tablets for Necco Wafers.

Rewatched riveting thriller THE NIGHT OF THE HUNTER (1955). I can think of no film like this one. Unforgettable imagery. LOVE knuckles up.

Watched: REAP THE WILD WIND (1942). Will I dream of Paulette Goddard or behemoth rubber squid? Bet I wake in a sweat with suction cup marks.

Stupid diet. It's just not normal to nibble-a-lug.

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Guess what? My cats still love me. They had a meeting.

A year ago today, we friends were riding mules to the bottom of the Grand Canyon - and taking ibuprofen. I guess that was our hippie period.

I've lost four pounds, which will make my doctor happy, one pound per week. As a user, I'd like it go faster. I crave user-friendly fat!

My doc dissed my weight. I said, "You're looking at a 300-lb man in the wild. I'm doing great 2B only 200." Said he never heard that one B4.

Reading: JENNIFER ANISTON TO BE FETED FOR A DECADE OF HOTNESS, like me. Well, I'm being feted for a Decade of Puddings.

When The Rapture canceled, we watched RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Hey, I have to get my religion somewhere.

My site's host had a 20.5 hr. outage, reverting to a days-old edition, not the latest post. I fired off a letter to the IT guy, Marty McFly.

I hate when the orange juice says "Concentrate." Now, I'll be thinking about it all day....

Item: Disney earned $28.6B in 2010 on licensed merchandise. Not bad, if you don't consider a Dumbo shirt & Tinkerbell wand cost $7.2B each.

I'm sensitive to the unsightliness of ear hair. I do the periodic cochlea comb-out with a part down the Eustachian. And, I cowlick my incus.

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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter: 

Watching: ABBOTTABAD AND COSTELLO MEET PAKISTAN.

I hold in my hand tickets to SHREK: THE MUSICAL. I know you are green with envy, whilst I am green with ogre & the o. is with my green.

I'm told today is Lumpy Rug Day. Why would anyone tell me this?.. Guess I should dig out the rake. I think it's in the chunky sofa cushions.

RIP Dana Wynter (INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS, 1956). I can't sleep.

Well, that was interesting. Today, I saw THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST & SCRAT'S CONTINENTAL CRACK-UP. I'm just glad the reels weren't mixed up.

Ooo! I've got an appointment to get my hair cut! It will be swell! There will be 'poo! I cannot wait! I've been collecting the whole series!

Underwent grueling haircut 11 hrs. ago. Very nice, but I'm not giving up this chair without my lolly! Grape, please. Hope it's a Saf-T-Pop.

Dodged & waited out tornadoes to get home tonight. It meant sacrificing, waiting in QuikTrips, eating bear claws. I'll get over it. Mmmm...

Letter from an attorney ... Gack! The cobwebs in my office are to come down to make way for a new Walmart.

Retrieved our cats from their weekend in the animal clinic's Kitty Condo. Still not speaking to me. Morty pawed over his pettifogger's card.

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