Ace Ventura: When Slinky Falls

Jim Carrey in "Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls" (1995) clip via YouTube 

100 Things About Me #180

Spring Has Sprung

 I've been pondering the toys of childhood. One of the greats is the Slinky. 

The Slinky was a must-have item for me. I had to have a Slinky or I could not go on. It was as simple as that — and so be it.

I was presented my first Slinky, all silvery and metallic, on Christmas morn of Mikey's fourth or fifth year on the 1950s planet. It was a grand occasion and I immediately raced from our living room, up the ominous staircase to the second floor, and encouraged the virginal Slinky to "walk" down the steps, all the way to the bottom.

Image via Wikipedia

Success! What a sight to behold! Bravo, Slinky!

I descended, grabbed the Slinky and toddled back up to do it all over again.

Whee!

Then, I was done. As wonderful a toy as it is, Slinky is good for only about 90 seconds of enjoyment. I don't recall playing with the lovely gift ever again.

On a nostalgic whim, I purchased a colorful, plastic Slinky in 1992. I sent it down our steps once and crossed the springy coil over to the opposite hand and reversed the motion three or four times. I put the marvel into its carton and that was that.

I still own Slinky. Somewhere. Probably in a big mystery box in a closet.

I saw the toy in 1999, when we moved to our current home. I did not play with my Slinky. The 90 seconds of seven years prior continued to satiate me.

One moment.



Okay. I've huddled with myself. Sorry, Slink.

In a related memory from the titanic tot era, I fell down those early wooden steps in a nasty tumble.

Bump! Bump! Bump!

I instructed the survivors to dub me "Mlinky."


100 Things: #1 | Previous | Next

Big Weekend

Big weekend, sitting in Silt.

Silt, Colorado.

I, and my ever-present imaginary toothpick, hang with our snappily ironic ride.

Big Weekend

While projecting the film at The Fab Fox Saturday, no sooner than I would start the shows, I'd hear the "Pink Panther" ringtone.

I'd sigh and stop what I was doing to answer my cell, "Hello? ... Hello? ... Hell-O?! ... I know it's you, Trudy ... Hello? ... Hello?...," but no one was there.

I'd hang up and go stick my head out of the window into the auditorium to check on the sound. Yep, of course, I'd get another call.

"Hey! I'm trying to run a movie here, people! Hello!"

Nothing. This pattern repeated for six or seven minutes at a clip.

"Darn pranksters."

Moments ago, I realized it wasn't my phone. It was the cartoon.


Apologies to Trudy.

Double Feature Kitties: 'Broccoli Kitten LOVES Broccoli!' and 'Who Needs a Treadmill?'

Morty -- we're so relieved! -- has lightened up on his choice of films.

Gone are the torture frights.

Say "Hello" to the yummy, feel-good summer comedies.


"Broccoli Kitten LOVES Broccoli!" via YouTube


"Who Needs a Treadmill?" via YouTube

'How the West Was' Run

Continued From: "Michael's 'Navy'," "'A Hard Day's' Plight," "Tales From the Dark Slide: The Lost Picture Shows," and "What a Way to Beau"

This newspaper advertisement, dated Aug. 5, 1964, is for a suburban showcase "at popular prices" of "How the West Was Won," following its initial 30-week CINERAMA engagement at Martin Cinerama Theatre, downtown Atlanta, the previous year.

As luck would have it, when I discovered the ad, I was listening to Alfred Newman's glorious "How the West Was Won" score.

Yep, I'm a cowboy.

Still no pony, though.

Giddyup. The Cobb Center Theatre, a large shopping mall installation, was newish at this point, a thousand-seat beauty.

Giddyup. The last time I was in the area, the enterprise had long been closed, ravaged in graffiti, broken glass, high weeds, and a posted condemnation notice. It looked like a slum. I snapped my fingers in a steady beat and waited for the Sharks and the Jets to pirouette by.

I did a little divertissement, an arabesque and danse de caractère into my car, and drove away -- but with a sneer and disheveled sweatshirt.

MGM's "How the West Was Won" was the last of the 3-strip CINERAMA productions, meaning the epic had been photographed with a trio of synchronized cameras, placed adjacent to one another to grab their portions of the BIG pictures.

The finished movie, shown from interlocked 35mm projectors, had each machine beaming one-third of the collective image onto a mammoth deep-curved screen. The jolt was CINERAMA managed to extend the action to the edges of the viewer's peripheral vision. It was a precursor to virtual reality entertainment.

Only a handful of theatres were equipped for the full-scale CINERAMA treatment, so after the initial "How the West Was Won" playdates, the three sections of footage were combined and printed onto a single strip of 35mm celluloid to exhibit in ordinary cinemas on their essentially flat, significantly smaller screens. Today, this cheat is known as Fake IMAX.

No, not really, but I feel better. The visual resolution and manipulation was not true CINERAMA and, surely, it was a disappointment to witness, even in a nice venue like the Cobb Center.

Elsewhere, going forward, the official CINERAMA theatres featured special one-strip 70mm, deep-curve projection, as first hatched via "It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World" and "Circus World." Now peddling blow-ups of traditional films, the revised, less clunky, less expensive process was never as viscerally successful as pure CINERAMA, although worthwhile. The era burned out with "Krakatoa, East of Java," five years down the hole.

Readers are highly recommended to view the Blu-ray digital restoration of "How the West Was Won," which has a stunning transfer, cleverly suggesting the deep-curve of the intended cinematography and presentation.

I've seen "HTWWW" six times in actual CINERAMA performances, as recently as 2003 in Los Angeles' CINERAMA Dome. Sitting up close, centered adjacent to the TV, watching the "Smilebox" edition on a 46-inch 1080p set is nearly as satisfying as being plunked into the "sweet spot" at a CINERAMA theatre. (The standard 2008 DVD has its rewards, too.)

In some ways, such as image clarity, brightness, and absence of format distractions, the video experience is better. I could smell the buffalo and Eli Wallach, so, darn it, they've gone too far.


Related: "Cinerama Holiday" | "It's the Bass Bass Bass Bass Words"

_{Thanks to Stan Malone}

Breaking News: World's Largest Cheeto!

I was working on something else for today, but a postponement is in order for that confession.

I pride myself on all things Cheetos. Cue it up. I'm drooling. This story just in...


_{"World's Largest Cheeto and the Optimus Maximus" by Gizmodo on Vimeo
Thanks to Jay Oatway}

Jaw and Order: The Man With the X-Ray Thighs

Continued From: "I, the Jury," "Justice (Some Assembly Required)," and "Contempt of Court"

Entering the courthouse is the high point of my jury service groove.

The security team insists all personal belongings be placed into a tray for a ride through the x-ray conveyance. The idea is to discover and remove rogue weapons from the environment, but I suspect the snoop in the chair surveils for rare 2005-D speared bison reverse new design Jefferson nickels.

Before I'll go there, I tested his honesty by tossing in a $35,000 1969-S Lincoln cent with a doubled die obverse.

Next, human beings, much like myself, are required to stroll through a metal detector while a guard eyeballs the fashion show, waving an electrical sensor baton in a flourish up and down and around the incoming bodies. My crotch has yet to make it beep, but I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

Each time I walk through this portal I'm brimming with delight. Tuesday was no exception.

"You make me feel ... you make me feel like a natural villain," I crooned to the officer.

He blinked bewilderment. I saw the nervous tic erupt into a wave and roll across copper cheek flesh. His regulation 1971-era Sinister Police Dude Moustache was not pleased.

"Riddle me this," I said, pointing to the machinery. "Can that thing tell if the judge wears culottes?"

"Clam diggers. Move along."

Another case solved. I reclaimed my personal items from the receptacle: keys, phone, billfold, penny, lip Velcro, and regulation 1971-era Sinister Police Dude Moustache.

I Got Nuthin'

^{via The Presurfer}

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Something I Saw at the Computer

What I Told Santa:



What Santa Brought Me:

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Color Bath Fizz

Plop. Plop. Fizz. Fizz. Oh, what a relief it is!

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Colon Cleanser

My colon hangs, and now my ampersand is sticky. Enough with the poking around with the tissues and cotton swabs. I'm buying a new keyboard.

I Got Nuthin'

_{Can't see the video? Try refreshing this page or visit YouTube.}

'My Dad's Got Restless Legs'

Continued From: "30,000 Dominoes"

I've mentioned "domino stunts make me nervous." In this video, being nervous makes a domino stunt.


_{Can't see the video? Try kicking and refreshing this page or visit YouTube.}

30,000 Dominoes

_{Can't see the video? Try refreshing this page or visit YouTube.}
Domino stunts make me nervous. Having to do all of that delicate set-up work would drive me crazy and cause an emergency ejection out of my skin. I can't even stack a sandwich without a sedative.

I've abandoned PB&J and eat P'nut Butter and Benzodiazepines.

Smack-Crazed Kitties

Like any good parent, I worry about Morty's associations. Peer pressure amongst kids is almost too much to combat in the 21st century, especially when complemented by the power and reach of the Internet.

I found this pair of how-to videos on Morty's iPOD and, frankly, I'm disturbed. "Gigi Kills the Toothbrush" and "Pussy vs. Printer" will give the boy violent ideas. I may have to send him to his box.

_{Can't see the video? Try reloading this page or visit Yahoo.}

Can't see the video? Try reloading this page or visit YouTube.

Work Work Work Work Work

_{Can't see the experiment? Try reloading this page or watch at Vimeo.}

Don't Tread on Mikey

So, Morty likes to watch horror movies and scare everyone in the household, eh?

Well, here's one to knock his footpads off. With running jokes and the all-star cats, it's a thriller about exercise!


_{Can't see the video? Try reloading this page or visit CollegeHumor.}

Monarch Mort

I've known many cats, but my boy Morty is one of the few who can turn a meow into a giggle.

Overnight, I caught him watching a foreign version of "King Kong," while pawing and chomping down hot buttered Friskies. He laughed smugly when Kong attacked the airplanes.

I don't know what to think anymore. How can Morty operate our home theatre system and I can't? He is the master of the universal remote.

I ate a piece of plain toast (we were out of butter) and went back to bed.

_{Can't see Kong? Try reloading this page or visit Dailymotion.}

Ball of Shame

"Do not place in microwave oven. Do not freeze."

In other words, do not stress.