Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

100 Things About Me

#12
Visionary
I see images in cottage cheese ceilings.

Photo: Mike looks at ceiling cottage cheese images.
There's a ducky.

Mike looks at a ceiling cottage cheese image.
How delightful! A bunny.

Mike looks at a ceiling cottage cheese image.
A cumulus cloud.

Mike looks at a ceiling cottage cheese image.
Kirstie Alley's cellulite.

Photos copyright ©2005 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

100 Things About Me

#9

A Man and His Pelt
Photo: Mike at ease full speed.

I lounge with unbounded enthusiasm in a clip-on beard.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

100 Things About Me

#8

It's Hammer Time!
Photo: Fancy Nails store

I like to go in here and say...
"Yes, let me have a pound of the Fine Cut Headless Brads and your best wine. Nothing French! That's for bourgeois Pantry Netting Staples. --Oh, and give me the Cement Coated Sinker Nails with fur trim. Do you have Cummerbund Tacks?"

Before the clerk gets in a word, I continue...
"I realize this is Fancy Nails, but would you know whether suede loafers or patent leather lace-ups go best with toggle bolts? What about Bronze Boat Nail Yacht Spats? Tell you what, I'll hop on over to Fancy Drywall Screws or Fancy Hot Dipped Ring Shank Nails and ask them. Thanks, doll!"

Then, I leave.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Taste Test: Kellogg's Disney-Pixar "Finding Nemo" Cereal

Stays Crunchy in Sharks!
I was truly looking forward to the sure-to-be hilarious breakfast cereal based on Disney and Pixar's "Finding Nemo." That film's fishy critters certainly do make me laugh.

On the other hand, I'm not big on seafood.

Photo: Mike inspects his box of Finding Nemo.Although promised "11 vitamins and minerals" with no mention of chum, my main concerns about munching this swimmingly attractive product were two-fold.

1. Marshmallow sushi.

2. I'd probably be smiling and giggling so much, I'd forget to come up for air!

After a quick check for errant man-eating dorsal fins, I put on my flippers and poured the milk.

The Taste Test


God, I hope that wasn't a guppy.

The Verdict

It don't taste funny.

Photos copyright ©2005 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

White Trash Test

"Mama, can I borry the tooth tonight?"
I woke up this morning wondering if I'm white trash. After I crawled out from under the shrub, drank breakfast from a paper sack, and put my fancy church-married wife up on blocks in the front yard, I burnt rubber to get to one of them computers at the liberry.

I found the White Trash Test. It asked me tough questions, such as "Can you hook up your home to your Camaro and move it to another park?" and "Can you see your living room floor?" I answered them like a man, like my Daddy told me before he ran out on us four kids and Mama -- and them other womans.

The Results

Results of Mike's White Trash Test equal 19%

Well, now, I'm offended. How dare they call me a Democrat? Cause I ain't none. I earns them food stamps. And I invests all the cash I gets back into lottery scratch-offs. See? Look under my nails.

I ain't no Repub-- um, Republincolns-- uh, Repub-- you know, them snootsy-tootsy barstool drinkers. I tain't none of them kneeder.

What th'! Huh? "Wine from a box?"

They's gots that now? Shee-yeah! I gots to gets me some of that! Go good with my chaw in a sock.

Put on Waylon.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

100 Things About Me

#7

Michael Recycles
Young Mike Durrett and that fabulous bod.

I've been using the same body since I was 13.

Although, I did have cosmetic surgery to add pockets.

Photo copyright 1965, 1998, 2005 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

100 Things About Me

#6

"Is there, is there a problem with y'all's freezer?"
Photo of mall shop: Ice Cream of the Future

Mmmmm. Ice Cream of the Future.

I ordered some yesterday. I eat it August 8, 2011.

Sprinkles: Coming for Christmas, 2012.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

100 Things About Me

#5

Odd,
but I'm also forwarded

Lisa Marie's Scowl
for Girls
Pampering Balm.
Photo: Fortune reads, ''A minor disappointment isn't the end of the world.''

I find myself opening Michael Jackson's fortune cookies.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

100 Things About Me

#3

Soap on a Dope
or
Mama's Buoy
Photo: Yardley English Lavender soap

My all-time favorite soap is Yardley's English Lavender. It was my grandmother's, too.

I don't recall Mother sounding off on a cleansing preference, but, as I've said before, when it came to her washing out my smart mouth...

To me, Lifebuoy is a cheese.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

100 Things About Me

#1

Just add Bac-O Bits®
Photo: Yardley's Aloe & Cucumber soap.

I love the Aloe & Cucumber soap.

I'm freshly sudsed in it at the moment. I smell like a salad.

Of course, that soap's for everyday use. On weekends, something extra. I rinse and lather again in the Aloe & Citrus Splash Vinaigrette.

I forgo soaking in bubble bath, preferring croutons.


Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Top 10 New Year's Resolutions I've Already Broken

Drat.
10. Asked Fantasy Celebrity Girlfriend Jennifer Aniston for a baby.

9. Forced wife to chop onions just to make her cry.

8. Removed unwanted cinnamon toast raisins with Turbo Nose Hair Trimmer.

7. Went to Mexican restaurant Karaoke Night. Crooned "Greatest Love of All" at urinal and salsa buffet.

"I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to a-cheese..."

6. Scooped softboiled egg from shell and then put it back together again.

5. Asked Fantasy Mars Bars Salesman for a Snickers.

4. Tormented cats with high speed vaccuum cleaner chase -- and An Evening of Puss 'N Boots Fashions for Spring.

3. Failed to top "New York Times" bestsellers list. Should climb on shelves when Barnes and Noble clerks not looking.

2. Celebrated 30th anniversary of "Jaws." Hid under bedcovers. Chomped spousal toes.

And my #1 New Year's resolution already broken...

Played "The Warden and the Jailbird." Unable to halt daring prison break during conjugal visit.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

My Top 10 Resolutions for a Happy New Year

It's not easy being Mikey. Hunger ... Fatigue ... Aging ... The Trouble With Linens...
10. Increase exercise. Yawn bigger -- and sustain until there's a pulse.

9. Attend seminary for theological discourse. ... Kim Komando: Thongs? Or Kim Komando: Commando?

8. Stop wetting bed with seltzer bottle.

7. Lose 30 pounds. Expunge hairball.

6. Curb appetite. Throw up in street.

5. Go forth and multiply. Hope lover enjoys fractions.

4. Cease booty calls to slippers.

3. Get more sleep. Wear larger jammies.

If that doesn't work, inflate head.

2. Voluntarily retire as Teen Dream. But only if I'm installed as Teen Mind Trip Emeritus.

And my number one resolution for a Happy New Year ...

1024 x 768.

More: Previous New Year's Resolutions

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Scenes From a Mikey Overheard and Observed at Christmastime

The statute of limitations has expired. At last, I can tell my tale. I waited the customary 10 days after Christmas to go public, in case Barbara Walters wanted to put me on television and make me cry.

Christmas Eve

As I do every year, I spent the day giving back to the community. I stood outside Piercing Pagoda, where I heralded, "Hole! Hole! Hole! Merry Christmas! Hole! Hole! Hole! Merry Christmas!"

Actually, that was Plan B, after they ran me off from Bathroom Fixtures in Home Depot.

Christmas

Donna: Good morning! Merry Christmas!

Mike: Yeah.

Donna: What's wrong?

Mike: I'm not in the spirit. I ain't with the party.

Donna: You tossed all night.

Mike: Yeah. No sugar plums danced -- and that song played over and over in my head.

Donna: Huh?

Mike: "I'm Dreaming of White Ed Asner Back Hair."


Christmas Afternoon

Mike: Look, a $50 gift card from Cot Shack.

Unfortunately, you have to do Kwanzaa to get the matching card from Pillow Crib.


Day After Christmas

Door slam.

Donna: What's wrong?

Mike: No parking.

Donna: What?

Mike: I couldn't find a space.

Donna: At the mall?

Mike: No, here.

Donna: We have three acres in the country. What do you mean there's no parking?

Mike: The squirrels are having a mixer.
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