Top 10 New Year's Resolutions I've Already Broken

Drat.

10. Asked Fantasy Celebrity Girlfriend Jennifer Aniston for a baby.

9. Forced wife to chop onions just to make her cry.

8. Removed unwanted cinnamon toast raisins with Turbo Nose Hair Trimmer.

7. Went to Mexican restaurant Karaoke Night. Crooned "Greatest Love of All" at urinal and salsa buffet.

"I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to a-cheese..."

6. Scooped softboiled egg from shell and then put it back together again.

5. Asked Fantasy Mars Bars Salesman for a Snickers.

4. Tormented cats with high speed vaccuum cleaner chase -- and An Evening of Puss 'N Boots Fashions for Spring.

3. Failed to top "New York Times" bestsellers list. Should climb on shelves when Barnes and Noble clerks not looking.

2. Celebrated 30th anniversary of "Jaws." Hid under bedcovers. Chomped spousal toes.

And my #1 New Year's resolution already broken...

Played "The Warden and the Jailbird." Unable to halt daring prison break during conjugal visit.