Mikellaneous

My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter:

Petrified cats! Power tools! It can mean only one thing: the renovations have begun.

Halloween scares me. Woe, the wax lips shortages.

One thing, living in the forest: no trick-or-treaters. Oh, I did get a bear dressed as Bambi, but I gave him candy deer corn & he went away.

12 yrs., we've not had 1 trick-or-treater. Kindly me stockpiles lotsa candy just in case. So far, I've managed to find it a good home. *urp*

Item: BOND 23 gets its title: SKYFALL. I was hoping for 007 GOIN' COCONUTS, but that's just me and Oddjob.

We may have had an intruder, a titmouse. Our cat Melvin was on the prowl all night long. Thank you for your service.

Daylight Saving Time change means new battery in smoke detector. Wife foaming at the mouth on Halloween means Crest excess or rabies shot?

I had a dream, an awesome dream altering the fabric of time, like, by an hour. WHAP! I'm awake now. Nothing broken. I'm noticeably younger..

Confession: I turned my clocks back 37 minutes. It'll decrease my wait times.

[Two Days After Halloween]
Jehovah's Witnesses appeared on our porch, moments ago. I told them we were all out of Butterfingers and shut the door.

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Top 10 Worst Scary Movies Ever!

10. "A Very Wolfman Full Moon Brazilian Wax"

9. "Nancy Pelosi on Elm Street"

8. "The Thing vs. The Doohickey"

7. "Chaz Bono's Wonderful World of Play-Doh Molds"

6. "Homicide With Raisins"

5. "Frankenstein: A Boy and His Trousers" (Animated)

4. "Nanny McPhee Chokes on Her Own Coagulated Bile" (Oops, this should be on the "Inspirational Larks" list.)

4. "Fraidy Gaga"

3. "It's the Great Pumpkins, Chesty Morgan"

2. "Pootloose"

And the #1 Worst Scary Movie Ever!: "Abbott and Costello Meet Your Toenails in a Dixie Cup"

Halloween Cartoon Carnival

Bugs Bunny and Gossamer: "Hair-Raising Hare" (1946, Chuck Jones) via YouTube


Popeye the Sailor: "Ghosks Is the Bunk" (1939, Max Fleischer) via YouTube

Tom and Jerry: "The Flying Sorceress" (1955, William Hanna, Joseph Barbera) via YouTube

There Will Be Butterfingers

The perfect Halloween: "Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein" (1948) and Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis get "Scared Stiff" (1953).

That's my night -- plus, the obligatory stomach pump. Nurses in nurses costumes. Maybe a Certs.

I'll be dressing up as the remote control. I hope I don't lose me in the sofa.

It's the wife's favorite costume. She mutes me.



"Bud Abbott and Lou Costello Meet Frankenstein" Trailer via YouTube

Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis: "Scared Stiff" Trailer via YouTube

Big Weekend

Big weekend, outraged! 

The commercialization of theology.

Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On the Holidays

Neighbor Sally
Hope Santa is good to you. Love the Christmas lights. Thanks for the Christmas spirit you exude.

Mike
I exude Christmas spirit? You mean the rash that looks like holly berries?

On Serious Sleeping

Flannel sheets are the greatest invention ever! I wasted half my life without them. Everyone kept a secret from Mikey. ... *snif*

On Cold Weather

Friend Bill Up North
Feet in the microwave to thaw out? Not recommended.

Mike
I like to feet in the soup pot so everyone else can enjoy it, too!

On Halloween Preparations

Mike
Bought the trick-or-treat candy today & finished it off within the hour. I am slowing in my old age. Back to the store tomorrow. Mmmm...

Brother Bob
There is a lesson somewhere in that. You either bought too early or...not enough.

Mike
The lesson, dear Bob, is I do it for the children.

Friend Frank Thompson
Well, I'm on Atkins so we're not buying Halloween candy. I'll be giving the kids giblets.

On Invasive Airport Security Searches

Mike
In the interest of fairness, since I don't fly, for the next 10 minutes only: Touch my junk!

Mike, later
Closed. No takers. You're no fun. My junk is junk....

Friend Cathy
Charlie doesn't let me touch nobody's junk....sorry.

I guess it's just a silly marital rule he has......

Mike
I guess. Sheesh...

Big Weekend

Big weekend, rejoicing I didn't die on the operating table during cataract surgery, because, when the nurse asked what pills I had taken, I chose not to mention the Gas-X.

Also, I Halloweened as Ray Milland, "The Man With the X-ray Eyes."

Double Feature Puppies: 'The World's Most Stupidest Dog' and 'Baily Beagle Plays Dead'

My cat Morty is ready to go Halloween hairball-or-treating for bite-size chum and popcorn shrimp. 

One of the ways he gets into the mood is by watching movies of the supernatural -- meaning, dogs. Here are a couple of spooky shows, according to the kit. There's a snarling monster and another about the undead.


"The World's Most Stupidestt Dog" via YouTube


"Baily Beagle Plays Dead" via YouTube

Big Weekend

Big weekend ... trick-or-treating.

Meanwhile...

Morty had an excellent Halloween, thank you very much. I took him trick-or-treating door to door with his plastic jack-o'-lantern, soon filled to the brim with bite-sized Pounce, Meow Mix, and fetid shrimp by-products.

His able seafarer costume never fails to enrapture, but, if truth be told, Morty was actually channeling former Secretary of State Madeleine Korbel Albright, a curious, but highbrow, landlubberly choice. I just wish this kitty weren't so political and more whiskery.

We returned home and Morty embarked on his fishy snacks coma, accompanied by this year's horror movie classic, "Ghost Dogs," which we present for you here. That boy will be wailing in bed for days....


"Ghost Dogs" via YouTube

'How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son'

News Video: Effeminate Boy Costume Tips: "Keep your son's hands occupied so he can't clap and squeal."

Lawn of the Dead

I attended a gathering at my friend Randy Stewart's house and while it was a borderline lovely event, some of the attendees were quite discombobulated and, yes, I'll say it, spooky.

I was rather concerned most of the night with their ghoulish stares, heavy-footed prances, and forlorn moans. I am considering suspecting it was the chili, but who can be sure?

I don't know how many of these stiffs I rescued from walking in place incessantly into the corners. I'd spin them around with a weenie tong and they'd shuffle aimlessly back to the party without a word of thanks.

Oh, I did get a couple of love bites. Must be cat people.

Also, having seen "Poltergeist," it is troubling to visit a new subdivision and discover your pal has a burial ground in his front yard. This can lead to chills and sequels.



I shan't nitpick. There was candy.

Ironically, several guests were nit enthusiasts and dibsed mine anyway.

Top 20 Least-Satisfying Trick-or-Treat Candies

Kids, I love you. Please take it from the old guy. I've got more than half a century of knocking on doors Halloween night, begging for goodies. I've taste tested snacks far and wide -- and with experience and wisdom added, this is the definitive list:

Top 20 Least-Satisfying Trick-or-Treat Candies

20. Almond Joyless
19. Milky Way Way Curdled
18. Whizzlers
17. Mike and Ike and Some Guy Named Fester
16. ZagBengayNut
15. Gummi Gristle
14. Drool & Plenty
13. Tootsie Boil Paps
12. Gobstaplers
11. Mr.'s Goo Bar
10. Bit-O-Hannity
9. Sweet Tarts With a Wart and Torn Hose
8. Popcorn Ovaries
7. Hershey's Kisses & Tongue
6. S'mucks
5. Butterfoot
4. Gassy Passy
3. KitKlap
2. Peanut B&M's
1. Sugar-Coated Jawfixers Corrective Surgical Tools

More Taste Tests: Kellogg's Disney-Pixar "Finding Nemo" Cereal | Kellogg's Disney-Pixar "The Incredibles" Multi-Grain Cereal | Kellogg's Disney Chocolate Mud & Bugs Cereal | Rice Krispies - The Cat in the Hat Recipe | Scooby-Doo! Baked Cheddar Crackers | Dexter's Mini Sandwich Cookies | Little Debbie Nutty Bars

Video Webisode: 'Stuff I'm Too Lazy to Go Type Up #3: In Color'

Mike Durrett, celebrated filmmaker ("We're not like him! We're not like him!..."), goes for an impromptu walk in the fall rain. When nature calls, one must video cam.



"Stuff I'm Too Lazy to Go Type Up #3: In Color" via YouTube  
More: Mike's CONFIDENTIAL Video Webisodes

Big Weekend

Big weekend, making excruciating decisions. I've about got it narrowed down.

Free Trick-or-Treat Waffle

As I bounced from house-to-house in my Little Lord Fauntleroy suit, wearing a Joe "Stinky" Besser mask, I became disoriented and must have appeared less than cocksure. I had ventured into unknown territory on this decidedly dark Halloween night.

I knocked on another door and held up a hollow plastic jack-o'-lantern, manufactured with a machine-tooled grimace to scare suburbanites into filling it with my candies.

"Trick-or-treat," I squealed at the gentleman of the welcoming abode.

He produced a bowl of giveaway delights, teeming with miniature toy dinosaurs and snack packs of ramen noodles. "Pick one," he said.

"Uh," I adlibbed with a fresh air of uncertainty, "I can't eat dinosaurs past their shelf date, and I don't know what a ramen is, so I certainly won't suck its noodles. Do you have anything else, mister?"

"I have this," and with that phrase I heard a fife pipe and a wind chime tinkle. My exposed knees knocked, all goose pimply, in the late October breeze. The man held out a business-sized card and motioned for me to take it.

"Aw," I read from a prepared statement, then adlibbed, "did I win another beauty contest, get out of jail, or take a ride on the Reading?"

"No, sonny, you have been gifted a rare and glorious treasure, the otherwise elusive Free Waffle!"

It was true. A Free Waffle with my butter on it was waiting at one of the hundreds, if not thousands, of convenient Waffle House locations near me, sorta near me, or out there beyond me. Good Food Fast.

"Thank you, oh, thank you, kind sir. I shall cherish my Free Waffle until the day I squeeze it down the gullet and move on to Quiznos coupons. Consider this a treat. I won't h-h-harm you."

And I was off.

Several weeks went by, while I had visions of Free Waffle dancing in my head. I believe it was doing the Frug. Maple syrup flung everywhere. I'd heard of sweet dreams, but never sticky ones.

I wanted to revel in the anticipation, so I waited until the Free Waffle availability was about to expire. I made my move. I selected a lucky Waffle House, entered, and plopped myself down at the counter. I was among them, the society of waffles, free.

"What'll you have?" asked the waitress.

"I would like a Free Trick-or-Treat Waffle!" I smiled wide, showing off my incisors, the very teeth I would be crispy, indented lattice design, promotional item-gnashing shortly.

"My card, madam," I added, presenting madam my gratis battercake credential. "I understand the kitchen will prepare to order?"

"Sure. How would you like it?"

"Free Waffle."

She looked at me, put the pencil behind her ear, and barked my exacting instructions to the fry chef.

"Would you like anything else?"

"Yes, what kind of coffee, double cream and sugar, and hash browns smothered in onions go with Free Waffle? Oh, surprise me."

I hear you salivating, reader, and envying, so I'll cut to the chase. Free Waffle wins!


Dinner was served. I craved a keepsake of the festivities, so I snapped this photograph of my Free Waffle.

Beauty.

Mmmmm, delicious, gridlike goodness, too. I had learned a lesson well. Waffles taste better free and accompanied by hand modeling.


The hash browns, coffee, and sales tax set me back $3.42, plus a one-dollar tip -- a small price to pay for Free Waffle.

I slipped outside and kept moving. Those rubes forgot to charge me. Ha! Free Water!

Something Wicked This Way Bums

It was fun to attend "Wicked" in Atlanta during the Halloween season, but the most wicked things we saw were the t-shirts in the lobby for thirty-five dollars.

I Got Nuthin'

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Meanwhile...

The Pumpkin Patch: Conjugal Visit

Meanwhile...

The Great Pumpkin-Watching