Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On the Holidays

Neighbor Sally
Hope Santa is good to you. Love the Christmas lights. Thanks for the Christmas spirit you exude.

Mike
I exude Christmas spirit? You mean the rash that looks like holly berries?

On Serious Sleeping

Flannel sheets are the greatest invention ever! I wasted half my life without them. Everyone kept a secret from Mikey. ... *snif*

On Cold Weather

Friend Bill Up North
Feet in the microwave to thaw out? Not recommended.

Mike
I like to feet in the soup pot so everyone else can enjoy it, too!

On Halloween Preparations

Mike
Bought the trick-or-treat candy today & finished it off within the hour. I am slowing in my old age. Back to the store tomorrow. Mmmm...

Brother Bob
There is a lesson somewhere in that. You either bought too early or...not enough.

Mike
The lesson, dear Bob, is I do it for the children.

Friend Frank Thompson
Well, I'm on Atkins so we're not buying Halloween candy. I'll be giving the kids giblets.

On Invasive Airport Security Searches

Mike
In the interest of fairness, since I don't fly, for the next 10 minutes only: Touch my junk!

Mike, later
Closed. No takers. You're no fun. My junk is junk....

Friend Cathy
Charlie doesn't let me touch nobody's junk....sorry.

I guess it's just a silly marital rule he has......

Mike
I guess. Sheesh...