Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Scenes From a Morty Overheard and Observed at Christmastime

December 24:

Photo copyright 2004 Mike Durrett, all rights reserved.

My son, Morty, on the lookout for Santa Cat.

Photo copyright 2004 Mike Durrett, all rights reserved.

Morty demonstrates how Santa Cat will negotiate our chimney.

We also spent a few minutes discussing local fire safety ordinances.

Morty made certain a fresh saucer of milk and a dish of Tender Vittles were set on the hearth before bedtime. Worried about Santa Cat's weight, Morty ate three of the T.V. and nine laps of beverage to help alleviate his feline health concerns.

Won't you help, too? Send your savory kitty yummies and milk to: Morty, in care of this Web site. Offer void in chicken.

***

December 25, Dawn:

Morty (a k a Snorty), asleep against my leg, with visions of catnip toys dancing in his tail: Zzz-bzxz-zzzzz...

Donna (softly touching): Mikey's getting his back tickled on Christmas morning.

Mike (faintly): Mm-hmhh. Thank you, Jesus.

***

Photo copyright 2004 Mike Durrett, all rights reserved.Photo copyright 2004 Mike Durrett, all rights reserved.

The boys caress and suitably spittle their aromatic gifts from Santa Cat. Morty received a catnip bug. Big brother Kelp got a lizard.

***

Morty: MEOW...MEORRRRRRRRRrr! Meowlllllrrr...

Mike: Morty, I don't speak Cat. It is customary, when you come to our country, to learn and talk our language.

Photo copyright 2004 Mike Durrett, all rights reserved.

Morty gives me the evil look.

In Cat.

Photo copyright 2004 Mike Durrett, all rights reserved.

Kelp is miffed, too. There's no Braunschweiger in his stocking.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Scenes From a Marriage Overheard at Christmastime

Mike: Donna, are you insane? Have you lost it?

Donna: What?

Mike: There's a wreath on our Panic Room.
•••
Mike: I rented "The Preacher's Wife."

Donna: Oh, with Denzel and, and, and...

Mike: HitMe Houston.
•••
TV: "On the Record With Greta Van Susteren": We're expecting an announcement from the lawyers for the Georgia dentist under arrest ... charged with the 1990 shooting death of his former lover, but has not been charged in his wife's December 4th death. ... And coming up, a warning for Scott Peterson tonight and you won't believe who it's from. ... But first, an eyewitness reveals a disturbing story about the suspect in the Kansas baby snatching. She has the photos to prove it. Plus, the first photos of the snatched baby.

Mike: This must be Greta's Christmas Show.

Donna: It must.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Taste Test: Kellogg's Disney-Pixar "The Incredibles" Multi-Grain Cereal

The Incredibles cereal box. Photo copyright 2004 Mike Durrett.Superhero Mike Durrett lands after flying in for the Taste Test. Photo copyright 2004 Mike Durrett.

We superheroes, of course, adhere to a noble code and must bond together. So, I was proud to hear Mr. Incredible spends his off time, away from saving the world, inside his kitchen. Against all odds, he whips up sugary breakfast eats and I support his efforts. Where's my spoon and my hunky force field to operate it?

Being Bladder-Man, Bifocal-Man, Pope Shemp I, and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's kindly towel-clad roommate, Felipé, as I am, I don't have that much spare time. But, when I do, I spend it eating cereal -- alternating with bottles of vintage Nik-L-Nip to cleanse the palate.

I'm pleased to be taking part in this Taste Test, mikedurrett.com. Thanks for asking me. I love dispensing of challenges that play to my strength.

Also, for my other duty as About.com's Guide to Humor, it behooves me to be on the lookout for funny new items to share with the readership. And what could be funnier than a breakfast cereal based on "The Incredibles,"
a perfect comedy movie?

I don't mean to jump the gun, but I've been rehearsing saying "Yum-ha, yum-ha!"

I sense I'm going to be all smiles after I tangle with the "strawberry flavored Incrediberry Blast."

It's time to be courageous, Bladder-Man. Time to snap into action and Incredible hilarity!

The Taste Test:
Photo copyright 2004 Mike Durrett.Photo copyright 2004 Mike Durrett.
Photo copyright 2004 Mike Durrett.Photo copyright 2004 Mike Durrett.

The Verdict: It don't taste funny.

More Taste Tests: Kellogg's Disney Chocolate Mud & Bugs Cereal | Rice Krispies - The Cat in the Hat Recipe | Scooby-Doo! Baked Cheddar Crackers | Dexter's Mini Sandwich Cookies

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Pop Go the Weasels

From my email comes this announcement of refurbishment:

Email announcement.
"Come see what's new! ... Now featuring: ... Lobby, Concession Stand & Auditoriums."

Ooo! That's so novel for a movie theatre.

85 oz size.There's also free popcorn for every customer. It says right there, "85 oz size."

In weaselly movie theatre accounting, that's a medium tub of popcorn, but in real life 85 ounces makes for a huge amount of puffery!

For example, a snack pack from a convenience store routinely holds less than 3 ounces net weight of popped corn. It would take approximately 30 bags of convenience store popcorn to equal 85 ounces!

Microwave popcorn averages 3 ounces net weight per package popped! There are generally six packages of microwave popcorn inside each carton from the supermarket. You'd need to cook more than 4.5 boxes of microwave popcorn to yield 85 ounces for munching.

Enjoy the show. Take along your weight scales and giant lawn bag when you demand your full 85 ounces of popped corn per person. It's advertised.

Better yet, demand your promised 85 ounces of popcorn in kernels.

Movies are still your best entertainment!

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Life Revs Full Tilt During Holiday Season

Phew! I remain exhausted. The growing Christmas whirl overwhelms me. Here's my weekend.

Friday
Attended family counseling session with our cat, Morty, who insists on changing his name to Greta.

Saturday
Spent quality time with my naked lady mudflaps.

Sunday
Arrested at movie theatre, while rolling condom onto the projector's lens barrel before "Seed of Chucky."

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

10 More Medical Revelations at My Annual Physical Examination

20. Inexplicably, Don King at my weigh-in.

19. Free "Dodgeball" DVD with every low sperm count.

18. Cat box clumping not acceptable as exercise.

17. Flatline EKG misdiagnosed as "a Ben Afflecker."

16-15. To appeal to Baby Boomers, blood withdrawals accompanied by attendant's "Hey, man, this is good shit."

And insurance co-pay raised to $40 and a mule-lipped doobie.

14. My chest x-ray featured a cameo by Alfred Hitchcock's chest.

13. "Open up and say 'ahhhh,'" not deemed necessary to say to the cute nurse.

12. Treadmill stress endurance stopped when I became winded tying sneakers.

And the number 11 medical revelation at my annual physical examination...

Exit poll showed my prostate resides in a blue state.
Mr. Durrett's Medical History: Top 10 Medical Revelations at My Annual Physical Examination | State of the Mike | Mikey's Colonoscopy Corner | Top 12 Joys During a Colonoscopy Examination

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Top 10 Medical Revelations at My Annual Physical Examination

10. Orchestra seating now wheelchair accessible.

9. Fasting includes Happy Mealless and toy.

8. Butt imprint on paper sheeting: New religion at eBay!

7. Urology lab apple juice still tastes bitter.

6. Doctor's probe gloves: Deep green for that fondled by Herman Munster feeling.

5. Petroleum jelly no longer refrigerated. Cooled by glare of Teresa Heinz Kerry.

4. Ragu Sauced believed treatable.

3. Checking Prostate renamed Checking, Point, and Plug.

2. For $10 more, Doc rotated my shoes, topped off fluids, and Dustbustered my socks.

And the number one medical revelation during my annual physical examination...

Back moles not cancerous, but best to set them free to burrow lawns.
Mr. Durrett's Medical History: State of the Mike | Mikey's Colonoscopy Corner | Top 12 Joys During a Colonoscopy Examination

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Top 10 Reasons My Life Should Be Rated "G"

10. Urologist always hums "It's a Small World."

9. Favorite Internet porn site: ziggy.com

8. Favorite drag queen: Mary Poppins Fresh Doughboy

7. Mr. Disney requested I not wear a bikini.

6. Allowed to watch only cartoons, and then only "Scooby-Don't."

5. Baby teeth grew in AFTER my adult teeth.

4. We wrote our nuptials in Alpha Bits, making "I DO" with a pair of zeroes.

3. Hip tattoo is Welch's Grape Juice.

2. Belly ring matches the one in my tub.

And the number one reason my life should be rated "G":

Mating dance is Shake'n Bake. And I helped.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Top 10 Reasons My Life Is Rated "R"

10. Show way too much cleavage.

9. Snore "Barry White's Greatest Hits."

8. Cheat at "Go Fish" with cods up my sleeve.

7. The spinning head and projectile vomiting during Brite Smile treatments.

6. I'm a sleep-pole-dancer.

5. Order Coffee to Go, because, well, I like to go.

4. Late at night, dress my Cabbage Patch Doll in corned beef.

3. I have the elfin legs of Audrey Hepburn. With a 10-day stubble: Mickey Rourke.

2. Society misunderstands a man who gives Twinkies enemas.

And the number one reason my life is rated "R" ...

I cut out the puppet sex.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

What's Your Life Rated on the MPAA Rating Scale?

I read where the producers of the comedy "Team America: World Police" submitted their film to the Motion Picture Association of America for its theatrical rating. An "NC-17" designation was awarded, meaning the movie was objectionable and no admittance would be extended to persons under 17.

Heaven, help us!

The matter of dispute was a graphic lovemaking sequence involving consenting marionettes. The studio regrouped and trimmed the sequence more than a dozen times before being granted a commercially desirable "R" rating. I was led to believe the offending scene had been cut entirely from the film.

Praise the Lord!

While watching "Team America" in a theatre recently, I was surprised -- and surprised again -- and surprised again -- to see the marionettes mate. The montage included numerous graphic images and, shall we say, adventurous positioning.

Jeepers!

I lived through it. Slightly winded. In need of a blotting cloth.

Burdened, I was, with impure thoughts of Howdy Doody and Heidi Doody.

At the same time, I was greatly puzzled. If this scene was the soft version, what in the world had been edited out?

Gosh!

Meanwhile, I contemplated. If I were a movie, what would my life be rated?

Golly!

For an answer, I visited the trusty Internet. Perhaps, you've heard of it?

Gee, it's swell!

I found a personality quiz, "Whats Your Life Rated on the MPAA Rating Scale?" I responded to the 10 questions and submitted the results for an evaluation.

Mercy!
I had anticipated one of the "PG" ratings or a "G," so my assessment as an "R" troubles me. After all, I am a family man who spends his life in cartoon character sweatshirts and Tigger slippers, for goodness sakes--

Aw, crap!

Late again. I gotta quit typing and go knock over the liquor store. Dammit. Where's my Glock? I bet that whore snatched it. And the toot.

Shucks.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Overheard From the Frontline of a Marriage

Donna: I'm cleaning the cat box tonight. Tomorrow, maybe you could take it to the dump?

Mike: I think the attendant just goes to a store.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Twiggy in Grilled Cheese NOT A HOAX ! LOOK & SEE !

A dead grilled cheese sandwich is creating quite a stir on the Internet. The melted lunch is missing one mouthful, alleged to be 10-years-old, and adorned with the holy image of the Virgin Mary on white bread toast.

Why does it always have to be the Virgin Mary? These bizarre, seemingly random sightings around the world are always about the Virgin Mary -- with rare exceptions of the Virgin Elvis.

Why can't we ever see Rip Taylor? If you only knew how many hours I've stared into Kraft Fat Free Mayonnaise Dressing ("ZERO grams of fat. Best when used by 26 Mar 2005.") looking for Rip Taylor to materialize.

Once, yes, there was a bubble reminiscent of an albino Star Jones, but that was the best I could muster before I moved into mustard.

The famous Virgin Mary Grilled Cheese is currently on auction at eBay. Thousands of dollars have been bid and I don't understand why. I mean, who knows what the Virgin Mary looked like? There were no Polaroids in Bethlehem. There were no Etch A Sketches. There were no oxcart driver photo IDs.

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE VIRGIN MARY LOOKED LIKE, PEOPLE!

Get real.

Besides, my first glance at the sandwich got an immediate, obvious reaction. I recognized the face of '60s supermodel Twiggy. It's the Virgin Velveeta Twiggy!

Photo: Grilled cheese sandwich with an image of the Virgin Mary in the crust.Movie poster for The Boy Friend starring Twiggy.

More: Virgin Mary in Grilled Cheese NOT A HOAX ! LOOK & SEE!

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Election Wrap-Up: Face the Notion

I fancy myself as somewhat of a political pundit. If anyone ever wants to get my attention in a rally, they need only yell, "Hey, Mr. Current Events!"

So take it from me, I'm glad the voting dust has settled. And, as we move on into the next four years, I remain with only one nagging question.

What in the heck was Kerry thinking, running with John Davidson for Vice President?
The Democrat candidates for President and V.P.John Davidson

More: 2004 U.S. Presidential Election Humor

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Incredible Weekend

Friday
Another opening night in the theatre ... "The Incredibles" was super. I've heard the film earned $70 million in three days. That's a record, nearly 100 times what I paid for two tickets and a box of Sno-Caps.

After the show, I saw a family of four stand up and move into a popcorn bucket.

As we walked by, their kids griped butter had flooded the basement.

We exited the multiplex into a cool autumn evening. I told my wife, "I'd like some 'Incredibles' for Christmas."

She said, "Then, how about underwear from the new millennium? And sex?"

"I meant toys!" I snapped. "And what makes you think the sex will be Incredible?"

"I shall call you 'Dash.'"

Saturday
Silence.

Sunday
10:42 p.m.: "Oh, YEAH?"

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

That's "Incredibles"

The Incredibles movie posterI'm frothing at the lips in rabid anticipation of "The Incredibles," the animated Disney-Pixar extravaganza. The wait is nearly over. My car is already warming up for tomorrow's 60-mile drive to the closest big screen multiplex.

Mike Durrett in his superhero costume.I've showered, too, and changed into my superhero outfit (pictured, right). After all, I'm Writer-Guy.*

*formerly Scribble-Hunk and Doodle-Dude

More: "The Incredibles" Comedy Movie Preview
Other Mike Identities: Bladder-Man | Bifocal-Man

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

How I Spent My Writer's Block

18. Epilogue: Back to normal. Having ideas. Scribbling. Forgetting to "Save."

Surf has washed away part of Mike's joke scrawled on the beach.

More: How I Spent My Writer's Block
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Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

How I Spent My Writer's Block

17. Got creative idea, at last. Wrote it on first thing I found.

Tombstone inscribed: ''My cat is old-fashioned. He has a Members Only logo on his chest.''

More: How I Spent My Writer's Block
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

How I Spent My Writer's Block

16. Could not compose even a grocery list. Lost 14 pounds. Spoke with God.

Mike on bathroom scales enters into a chat.

More: How I Spent My Writer's Block
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Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

How I Spent My Writer's Block

15. Could not compose even a grocery list. Lost 14 pounds.

Mike on bathroom scales.

More: How I Spent My Writer's Block
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

How I Spent My Writer's Block

14. Could not compose even a grocery list.

Mike's failed grocery list and broken pencil points.

More: How I Spent My Writer's Block
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

How I Spent My Writer's Block

13. Underwent stringent career reevaluation.

Mike's plucked rose petals spell out: ''MIKE'S A WRITER... MIKE'S A WRITER NOT. MIKE'S A WRITER...''

More: How I Spent My Writer's Block
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
Photo development: LetterJames

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

How I Spent My Writer's Block

11. Consulted with mentor.

Speak & Spell

But it wouldn't talk to me.

Some say it's blocked. Some say spite. Some say I'm too fresh with my hands.

I'm holding out for laryngitis.

More: How I Spent My Writer's Block
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Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

How I Spent My Writer's Block

9. Brainstormed Halloween costume. Came up Blanc.

Cartoon voice artist Mel Blanc.
More: How I Spent My Writer's Block
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Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

How I Spent My Writer's Block

8. Laid off personal cue card guy.

Cue card guy holds up blank poster card.
More: How I Spent My Writer's Block
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Photo development: My Life as a Fischer

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

How I Spent My Writer's Block

5. Baked a pie for my bride.

Mike's tasty pie for his wife is inscribed: ''And You Are?''
More: How I Spent My Writer's Block
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
Photo development: LetterJames

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

What Pie Flavor Are You?

I woke up wondering what pie flavor I am. I dropped everything to find the answer, including a tub of Cool Whip and a fresh berry onto my pillow.

My wife failed to leave a note alerting me as to my flavor and the Al Jazeera news was remarkably devoid of filling reportage, so I turned to a questionnaire I uncovered on the Internet. With expectations high and fork ready for action (although for what I don't know), I awaited the results.

What Pie Flavor Are You?

You are Key Lime Pie! Smooth, tangy... mellow!

Ooo, I am green with sticky! I'm "Key Lime Pie, smooth, tangy... mellow!"

On behalf of myself and my family, thank you. Key Lime is a distinct honor, however my favorite pie flavor is actually Crust.

Now, back to bed so I can wonder what kind of a la mode I am. I'm dreaming of drippy.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

The Funniest Thing I Have Ever Written

won't be appearing today, but good news! I just mugged a guy who saved a bundle on car insurance by switching to GEICO!

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

My Night With Elvis: Paradise, Drive-In Style

The Tender Continuation From My Night With Elvis: Kitten With a Dip, My Night With Elvis: Clamfake? and My Night With Elvis: Swallow That Dream

ATLANTA, GA -- At dusk, the sky dimmed so we could watch the line-up promised for Elvis Presley Mondo Movie Night at the drive-in theatre.

The flickering images began with a color cartoon, followed by a reel of ancient "previews of coming attractions," mostly from those prehistoric times known to historians as the 1970s. The sights included the deadly evil, "The Abominable Dr. Phibes," and the deadly Evel, "Viva Knievel."

The most shocking trailer was for an obscure 1967 documentary, "Mondo Teeno," also known as "Teenage Rebellion." Promising to reveal "the truth about 'The Now Generation,'" we saw wild youth from around the planet making out, taking drugs, and drinking big people beverages.

The trailer from Mondo Teeno warned about The Now Generation and turtleneck dickies.Some of the juveniles dared to wear garish clothes and dance to canned music so heinous that it lives on today inside the telephone company's "Your Call Is Important to Us" holding hell.

Since I endured high school throughout that frenetic era, I, too, am a member of "The Now Generation." Sworn to secrecy for decades, I can finally reveal I was on probation through the whole experience. I was a disciplinary problem for the Hoodlums in Charge. I didn't drink. I didn't make out. And the closest I came to drugs was broccoli.

When I was really tripping, I ate my weight in hollandaise sauce.

Mmm, that would've been a perfect delicacy on this evening, however I postponed my forage at the refreshment center for mustard and mayonnaise. The MGM lion roared across the screen. It was Elvis time!

I could tell. The lion had sideburns.

The title sequence of Viva Las Vegas. Ann-Margret is off camera, warming up those hips.As the classic "Viva Las Vegas" theme echoed throughout the terrain, Donna revived her Ann-Margret moves, metamorphosing into Rusty Martin, the role of the actress.

Stan assumed the persona of Young Elvis Contemplating a Doze in a Lawn Chair on an Asphalt Slab (which was also the working title of "Tickle Me").

And I, a versatile man and champion of supporting casts, slipped out of my pre-show Presley garb to transform into the dashing villain of the moment, Count Elmo Mancini. I looked exactly like actor Cesare Danova with my auto mechanic grease monkey coveralls unzipped to the waist, swarthy chest and tummy hairs glistening in the moonlight. I felt, oh, so very debonair and third-billed. I folded my tuxedo and ascot over the van bumper for later.

"Viva Las Vegas" was Elvis Presley's most financially popular film during its original release, earning somewhat less than $5,000,000. Ironically, I'm earning somewhat less than $5,000,000 for this article, which, when you consider inflation and I do my own stunts, that's not so impressive.

"Grrrrr," I grrrrred to the crowd with a phony Italian accent. I was Count Elmo.

I grabbed the cocktail shaker and administered rapid conga line wrist actions.

Although I've seen this picture on TV, two things became noticeable with the enlarged projection.

1. There are no fistfights, a rarity for Elvis. He usually maims someone into the hospital before "Directed by Norman Taurog."

2. There has never been anything in the annals of cinema to out hot-to-trot Ann-Margret in "Viva Las Vegas." She is a vision of horniness.

And I say that in only the nicest way and a quart of perspiration. Thank goodness, the cocktail shaker was empty.

The title card for Jailhouse Rock, the second stop of the Mayflower.At Intermission, I gave myself a full body squeegee, raking off the Rusty water. Then, it was a quick limbo under the hot air hands dryer in the men's room. I was completely refurbished for "Jailhouse Rock" -- and pleasingly fluffy.

This time around, Elvis kills a throwaway character with his bare hands and sneer. Attaboy, Elvis!

He goes to prison, where he faces a sentence of one-to-two production numbers.

During this film, I fashioned myself into stocky Mickey Shaughnessy, who plays the country and western singer, Hunk Houghton. I wore an enormous cowboy hat and sequin suit that wouldn't quit as I ambled through the car lot, serenading the remarkably silent onlookers with a guitar I couldn't play, just like Hunk.

Nothing but smoldering cigarette embers could be seen inside their darkness. Kinda creepy at 12:30 in the morning.

When Dean "The Love Bug" Jones appeared opposite Elvis, I became him, sneaking up to Volkswagens to whisper, "Pssst, is that you, Herbie? Need a lube job, Herbie? Would ya like a buff polish?"

The people over at the next field watching "Alien vs. Predator" were visibly shaken.

After the double feature, we packed our belongings and aimed for the exit.

"Did you enjoy yourself, husband?" Donna asked.

"Uhh huh, that I did, Baby, baby."

"Swell, because tomorrow you go on a diet."

"Now, I-- I-- I--" I stammered, like Flustered Elvis.

Oh, what was the use of arguing? Col. Parker had spoken.

Quietly, I placed my palms above my navel on 50 pounds of hunka hunka ambience, as we spun out onto the speedway home.

Rewind: My Night With Elvis: Kitten With a Dip | My Night With Elvis: Clamfake? | My Night With Elvis: Swallow That Dream
Photos copyright ©2004 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

My Night With Elvis: Swallow That Dream

The Tender Continuation From My Night With Elvis: Kitten With a Dip and My Night With Elvis: Clamfake?

ATLANTA, GA -- Darkness dawdled. It would be awhile until "Viva Las Vegas" and "Jailhouse Rock" commenced at the drive-in. I mingled among the patrons, when, suddenly, the children, mistaking me for the King of Rock and Roll, forced this ol' boy to sit, so they could take turns climbing onto my lap.

"Elvis, for Christmas, will you bring me a Kid Galahad doll?"

"Sure, little girl," I said. "How 'bout a Fun in Acapulco Praline Sweet Potato Casserole for your baby brother, baby?"

"Yeth," she blushed, when, suddenly, an erotic fragrance wafted lovingly into my nostrils.

I leapt to my feet. The kid's pa caught her before the bounce.

North of my patented Pouty Elvis Lip Snarl, my patented Pouty Elvis Olfactory Snort went into overdrive.

I sniffed and hopped about like 1976 Stage Elvis in an effort to zero in on the source.

Mike sniffs and snarls, pinpointing something fragrant nearby. Photos copyright 2004 Mike Durrett, all rights reserved.

A-HA! P'nut butter 'n' nanner sammiches were on the premises.

And that's alright with me. My gut feeling was right on, mama.

I yanked a fella out of his '57 Chevy.

"I need to borrow your car!"

I floored it and was soaring pretty high off the eighth drive-in parking ramp when the fine ride returned to Earth. I grabbed the emergency brake, jumped from the sedan, and sprinted a few yards to the saintly lady serving the homemade delectables to the audience.

"Thank you. Thank you very much," I said, relieving her of her burden.

I, Michaelvis, and a fresh carton of sandwiches returned to the folding chairs to wait for the movies to start, TCBB.

Takin' Care of Business and Bananas.

Next: My Night With Elvis: Paradise, Drive-In Style
Rewind: My Night With Elvis: Kitten With a Dip | My Night With Elvis: Clamfake?
Photos copyright ©2004 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.
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