Continued From: "
100 Things About Me #128," part of the "
Back to School" sequence
Sixth grade made me a mogul of sorts. Carbon dating shows I may have been the only student in the history of Fernbank Elementary to helm his own campus newspaper, printed again and again on the school mimeograph machine, without permission.
A free press must be brazen and hijack a free press.
I was editor and reporter of "The Weekly Durrett," a daring entry in the genre of news satire.
The paper dedicated its one-handwritten-page issues to fake topics of interest for every student in the sixth grade, our vast circulation pool. I don't recall any specifics in the reportage, except I am confident that each and every article probably contained the word "vomit."
I learned quickly that there is no funnier word in the English language to 11 and 12-year-olds than "vomit." That baby is comedy gold, the Holy Grail. Use as directed.
Here's the recipe:
"Vomit." Swallow. Repeat.
"Vomit!" "Vomit!" "Vomit!"
I loved it. I basked in it.
Nevertheless, I was surprised to find my name incorporated into the title of "The Weekly Durrett," since my cartooning pals ("
100 Things About Me #127") were partners in this venture, too. They awarded me the great honor -- plus, I think the lads feared somebody would get into trouble, so it might as well be me.
I do remember my friend Lewe referred to me in the paper as "Daddy Durrett," followed by the motto, "Our Hero."
I tell ya, when you possess the powerful secret and are willing to play the "vomit" card, you can rule the universe.
In the four year history of this Web site, a quick search reveals, I've only dispatched the magical utterance twice ("
Pet Food Snafus," "
Top 10 Reasons My Life Is Rated 'R'"). Such infrequent deployments should not be construed to mean I've abandoned an old nugget. That word is my secret weapon, always loaded and ready to hurl.
I practice restraint, which is not easy. Every day, when I sit at this keyboard, be assured, "vomit" is flowing through my brain.
100 Things: #1 | Previous | Next
| Bubba the Bottom Feeder Game
First, my cat dies and the Weedwacker works and the air is let out of my chef's hat and Popeye's bye-bye and a turban's AWOL and the broccoli's cockamamie and a sex scandal looms and "wash me."
Well, enough moaning and delay, I'm simply going to suck it up and tell you.
I know this one, too! I know this one, too! Here's the flip side of the "10 Things Guys Crave in Bed."
The original stage play, a slamming doors farce spinning around airline stewardesses and pilots, is back on the boards in London. Apparently, the script is different than the Tony Curtis and Jerry Lewis film ("The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex"), which never worked, probably the result of having the amusing innuendo removed by Hollywood censors, as was often the case. 
