I Got Nuthin'

Consolation video: "Jimmy Kimmel Live: I Gave My Kids a Terrible Present" via YouTube

Big Weekend

Big weekend, working on the Atlanta Fox Theatre projection team for the world premiere of "The Elf on The Shelf: An Elf's Story."

It looked to be a full house of 4000+ happy kiddies, except for me.

No crew elf hats.

That's the last time I curl my toes in the elevator doors. Stupid jingle bells.

Big Weekend

Big weekend, renovating our fireplace and chimney.

Here I am calibrating the critical, precise measurements for Santa.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Emergency Underpants Dispenser

Let's roll! Party in my pants! 

Not going to happen, thanks to the gross neglect of Mr. Claus. Here's your tighty whitey, Tubby.

These underpants are "Safe, Secure."

Yay to that. I wouldn't want anyone cracking my assword. My exit strategy is between me and the veggies.

I also prefer my shorts to be "Sanitary." You know, in case I'm in a wreck or have to moon the Sanitation Dept. I wish I had a nickel....

Actually, I mostly wish the underpants had the current and future centuries embroidered on them.

People ask me, "Mike, instead of the Emergency Underpants Dispenser, wouldn't you like the Underpants in a Can?"

"No. That would be redundant."

And then people go on to ask, "Mike, how about you fashion accessorizing with an Emergency Underpants Guy hat?"

"Not if it means I must complement the look with a red bow tie weave in my luxurious chest pelt."

And then people continue their interviews, "Mike, you take issue with the Emergency Underpants Dispenser slogan, 'Just Grab & Go!'"

"Yes. Obviously, the actions are reversed -- unless these underpants are marketed for dyslexics. Write this down:

1. Go.
2. Grab.

Dyslexic or otherwise, one size supposedly fits all, which might include me (I shall check the carry-on regulations), but beware of the misleading instruction. Be springtime fresh, people, and, of course, summertime, falltime, and wintertime will follow in the U.S. and its territories. Not applicable in Butte, MT.

Bottom Line

What I'd really cherish about the Emergency Underpants are the form-fitting cartoon shimmers embracing and enhancing my butt, outcroppings, and tributary.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Big Time Pimp Clock

And another thing Santa Clueless bungled and did not deliver, the Big Time Pimp Clock.

Oh, I got one of them, but not the other. Where's my Big Time Pimp Daylight Saving Clock?

This Instant Big Daddy and formerly Punctual Pimp is upset -- and will be down wit' my bad self in an hour.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Wack-O-Wax Wax Fangs & Wack-O-Wax Wax Lips

And another thing the North Pole nincompoop neglected to gift me, the Wack-O-Wax Wax Fangs, not to mention the Wack-O-Wax Wax Lips. Okay, I'll mention 'em: The Wack-O-Wax Wax Lips.

To add insult to injury, Santa did bestow upon me the unrequested off-brand Wax Uvula and the unrequested off-brand Wax Goiter.

Useless.

Clean the wax out of your ears, old man!

Well, mostly useless.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Shiny Nativity Set

And another thing the festive failing fatso neglected to deliver, authentic porcelain Nativity figurines, including Wise Man Larry.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Hippie Generation Kit

And another thing Short Attention Spanta did not present me: the Hippie Generation Kit.

I begged him. Hippie me! I am desperate to make amends for lost time. I was lousy at turning on and tuning out in the '60s. I failed at flower child. I could never quite grasp the movement. I'm still trying to charbroil pot and I've practically given up memorizing the lyrics to "Bridget Over Troubled Walter."

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Hug-a-Pug Bingo

And another thing waddly old St. Nick failed to put under my Christmas tree, the coveted Hug-a-Pug Bingo set.

I love being the Master of Ceremonies for an exciting game of Bingo. Oh, how I ache to call out: "Under the Shih Tzu, 2."

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Anti Monkey Butt and Lady Anti Monkey Butt

What respectable household would not welcome the enticement of guests with an assortment of Anti Monkey Butt powders adorning the, here you go, powder room counter top, or colorful mealtime centerpiece?

Well, it ain't happening at our home, thanks to Mr. S. Claus, and, boy, is my butt chapped about it, too.

Ideal for butt busting activities such as truck driving, motorcycling, bicycling, horse back riding, and extreme sports. May also be applied inside footwear, under sports pads, and other areas prone to chafing. Indoors or outdoors, work or play, or on occasions when you sit on your butt all day, don’t let your buns get red, use Anti Monkey Butt Powder instead!

That passage of "The Gospel According to Anti Monkey Butt" may have been translated from "The Bible." I'm not sure. My childhood Sunday School was lacking. We did talk about leper butt and locust butt, I recall, and, "Don't forget the Wednesday night Spaghetti Suppers, featuring Sopping Red Sauce Stains on Palestine Toast."

I had intended to present my wife with the Lady Anti Monkey Butt, of course, as Christmas is also for us romantics.

Say Good-bye to Chafed Thighs! Lady Anti Monkey Butt Powder is specially formulated with patented satiny smooth powder to minimize the frictional discomfort that women often experience...

Great, Santa, great, you chimp.

We're in the pink, not!

Gah, rump, um, plum plum,

We and our bums.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Mr. Moo Nacho Cheese Sauce

I guess I shouldn't complain that Santa stiffed me on the sauce. I don't eat dairy products, so I am Mr. Moot.

Was that a crummy pun?

It's the cheesiest!

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Attitude Bracelets

Here it is, February, and I'm still waiting for addled Claus to remember to FedEx the presents he failed to bestow my way on a certain recent holiday morn.

I tell you. I'm getting too old to traipse all over this country, visiting strange cities, just to lounge repeatedly in the jolly ol' soul's presence in order to relay my well-researched, impeccably typed, creatively alphabetized, and fruitcake-scented wish lists -- and then he doesn't deliver.

A dozen shopping mall Toylands and Cinnabons on Black Friday alone.

All I got was lap lag.

And a Peoria elfin hat to accessorize my magical quality or charm.

I had requested and coveted some attitude bracelets, the sports type that read, "YAY, TEAM!" or "GO FOR IT!" or "EAT THEIR YOUNG!"

I'm thinking, this year, I'll go buy bracelets more practical, like "SANTA, YOU SCROOGE, DON'T FORGET THE KID IN GEORGIA!" or "'T.P.' THE REINDEER ANTLERS!" or "NICK, NICE OUTFIT (SINCE THE 19TH CENTURY)!" or "I'M DOWN HERE! MIKE MARKS THE SPOT, YOU MISERABLE MIRTHFUL TWIT!"

And may I be the first to extend to you, dear reader, and yours, and up to five of theirs, heartfelt tidings for the happiest of holiday seasons.

Meanwhile...

Morty is in the Christmas tree, homesteading.

We are consulting with attorneys and hope to overturn the hangdog feline's eminent domain claims by Thanksgiving, so we can take down the tree in time to put it back up for next Christmas.

We also do not need a kitty casino in our living room. I don't care if Morty has booked The Chipmunks into the upper branch Pussycat Lounge. NO!!!

Mikellaneous

My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter:

On this, the very first day, the dawn of a new year, if you will, I resolve to craft each and every one of my tweets at 140 characters or le

Happy birthday, Elvis. His movies were important to my childhood, a role model. I am revered for my choreographed fistfights & rock-a-hula.

Breaking News: Life in America is returning to normal. I have completed more than two weeks without anyone mentioning Jennifer Aniston.

My wife: "I found the perfect gift for us -- a Betty White calendar for 2011! Really!" ... My Me: "No Allen Ludden nudes, I pray."

After never, I am experiencing a white Christmas, 4 in. snow so far. The bad news: We're stranded. The good: Not a chance of LITTLE FOCKERS.

Oh, great. I've got that Christmas carol stuck in my head again. "Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Urinal Lane..."

Listening to Dean Martin sing "Rudy, the Red-Beaked Reindeer." I love his "Crib for the Unemployment Extensions."

Entering Snowbound Day 4. Looking grim. Two people. One banana. I'm just saying, I deserve it and I got more dimples.

Snowbound Day 4: Awaiting helicopter drop of ACME products. The banana shall be mine.

Snowed in. Can't reach movie theatre... Plan B: May hike to Waffle House. The help looks like Rooster Cogburn and they have true grits.

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Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On New Year's Eve

Mike
My wife has informed me our Mickey Rourke-themed New Year's Eve Party is not going to happen. Guests are hereby released. You may bathe now.

Friend Claire
But what about all the tattoos and silver teeth I just finished getting?!?!

Mike
Well, you could still come over. We've misplaced the scratch pad and bottle opener.

On Christmas Wishes

I'm dreaming of a lottery-winning Christmas. Gotta reupholster the cats.

I did *win* 20-something bucks in a Microsoft class action suit. The check came last week. I may have to settle for spray painting the cats.

On Christmas Wishes, Too

Mike
The holiday pressure is raining down on me. Divine intervention is advised. Do I ask for a PajamaGram? Or a Christmas Snuggie?

Friend Bill
I'm sure you'd look real cute in the Snuggie!

Mike
Of course. Yes. Well, once the tailor lets it out some at the waist, legs, ankles, neck, and chins -- and if no one sees me in profile or light or without several stiff belts in 'em, maybe some Ambien and blindfolds.

On Thanks and Giving

Sis-in Law Jenifer
Oh, and thank you for our gifts. Did Donna tell you what you got us? LOL

Mike
As a matter of fact, I have an appointment with her next week to tell me what I gave to you.

On Michael Jackson

Cover of Tito Jackson

Friend Ray
Here in Atlanta, every New Year's Eve they have a party downtown.... This year's entertainment is ''Tito Jackson sings the hits of the Jackson 5.'' Tito sang on nothing the J5 did! Next year maybe they can get "Danny Bonaduce sings the hits of the Partridge Family."

Mike
Tito Fever. Catch it!

Deborah, Friend of a Friend
Is there a Jackson family member who's not trying to make money off MJ's death?

Mike
Stonewall.

Friend Ray
Mike, as I remember, you saw the Jackson Five @ Lenox. Any special memories of Tito?

Mike
I don't recall the full-Tito Jackson Five being at the Lenox Square Theatre [where I was a projectionist], but I did show "ET" to Michael Jackson when we were playing that movie. Ironically, Michael was already morphing into an extra-terrestrial. I'm glad I could provide him some cosmetic choices to peruse.

Around that time, I also saw and ran a movie for Amy Carter at the Lenox. Ironically, she was on tour singing the hits of the Jackson Five.

Friend Frank Thompson
That Amy Carter could do a mean Moonwalk.

Friend Ray
She was at the airport* singing the hits of the Hartsfield-Jackson 5.

*Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson Airport

'Sometimes I'm Happy' New Year

Dean Martin & Jerry Lewis and The Norman Luboff Choir: "Colgate Comedy Hour: Sometimes I'm Happy" (1955) via YouTube
And check out this uncredited steal, 50 years later!:



Robbie Williams and The Thames Valley Chorus: "White Christmas: Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Take Away Christmas Special" (2005) via YouTube

Lucille Ball Cartoon: 'My Favorite Husband: George's Christmas Present' (1949, 2010)

Lucille Ball, Richard Denning via Wikipedia

I find myself inside a holiday miracle!

A day or so before Christmas, by happenstance, I listened to a previously unheard-by-me episode of "My Favorite Husband," the radio sitcom starring Lucille Ball. This series, of course, was the basis for TV's "I Love Lucy." The show I heard, "George's Christmas Present," first aired across America on Dec. 16, 1949.

Jump ahead to this afternoon, and, by happenstance, I discovered the very same episode has been recently Flash animated by Wayne Wilson, nicely, too. What are the chances of that occurring?

Here is the animation in three parts with co-star Richard Denning, plus Eleanor Audley and personal favorite Frank Nelson.

I'd sure like to see more of these, Miracle Central.



"My Favorite Husband: 1949 Christmas Show, Part 1" via YouTube



"My Favorite Husband: 1949 Christmas Show, Part 2" via YouTube



"My Favorite Husband: 1949 Christmas Show, Part 3" via YouTube
Thanks to Yowp.

Mikellaneous

My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter:

Watching: MR. MAGOO'S CHRISTMAS CAROL CHANNING.

People look at you like you're crazy if you wear a Pilgrim hat. I have no idea why. I cut the proper amount of leg holes in it....

Watching: WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS ELSEWHERE.

Item: "Passengers Rage at New Naked Scanners, Patdowns." Hey, get over it. I can't be too safe in my piggyback rides business.

Watching: DECK THE HALL & OATES.

Reimagining Rodney Dangerfield: "If it weren't for the TSA, I'd have no sex life at all."

Watching: DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM BIEBERS.

Going to the county dump for a festive Christmas dumpster toss! Fa la la la la... Pray there is no mistletoe...

Watching: PRANCER'S "DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL" POINSETTIA PARTY.

Drat. I missed being named PEOPLE's "Sexiest Man Alive." But I am MISCREANT WEEKLY's "Schlub With a Pulse." So, there, I haven't lost it....

Watching: SANTA'S LAPLAND.

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O Holy Night

I've been blessed with the honor and joy that comes in life from observing two infant godsons mature into fine young men, making their marks on the world. On this Christmas Day, Dan is far away in Afghanistan assisting the brave American troops, while Jeremy is home with his family. Our love and pride and prayers are with them both.

Jeremy has also been known to putter with a piano. Ha! That makes me laugh!

Here is his latest musical release.


Jeremy West: "O Holy Night" via YouTube

'Jerry Lewis and Batman Sing Christmas Duet (à la Bing and Bowie)'

"Jerry Lewis and Batman Sing Christmas Duet (à la Bing & Bowie)"