Big Weekend

Big weekend, as some 30-year spouse, who will go nameless, made me push around her groceries. 

*sigh* 

It was a girl's buggy!

Secrets to a Successful 30-Year Marriage #9

On this day in 1978 -- yep, April Fool's Day, and this remembrance is completely true -- Donna and I went out on our first courting around the town. I took her to see a Theater of the Stars play in Atlanta. It was Neil Simon's "Come Blow Your Horn," headlining Lyle Waggoner, Molly Picon, and Lou Jacobi.

And here we are, 33 years later, 30 in wedded bliss and assorted food courts.

It worked.

Behold: Secret to a Successful 30-Year Marriage #9:

Lou Jacobi is an aphrodisiac.

Secrets to a Successful 30-Year Marriage #8

Donna and I like to travel together -- some even whisper "as a couple," taking epic automobile trips around the United States.

To celebrate our anniversary, we're discussing -- my people with her people -- an excursion which could roll us to Canada and the traditional lovebirds' retreat, Niagara Falls.

I'm told my parents honeymooned at Niagara Falls, nearly 70 years ago. I wouldn't know. I wasn't invited.

I wasn't around either, but, obviously, they were thinking only of themselves.

Kids.

*sigh*

Anyway, we'd like to visit, too, especially after seeing this exciting travelogue....


"Niagara Fools" (1956) via YouTube

Secrets to a Successful 30-Year Marriage #5-7

My wife believes my shrieking, hollering, screaming, and general epithet-laden vitriol and pouty puckers aimed at our @#$%^&*! politicians are improvised on the spot for her benefit. Nuh uh, nay, I do it all day long while she's not around. I'm a professional snark. I hone my craft and give my beloved only the sweetest of rages and loathing.

Oh. And you kitties can come out from under the bed. Daddy's better now. Daddy loves you. Daddy's softly.

Listening to and satisfying each other's whims are key.

For Valentine's, I told the missus I wanted a Dux Bed.

She forked me fresh hay.

She also flung poultry feed stamped "BEAK MINE" and "WADDLE ME."

No rest for the ducky.

Never cease with acts of kindness and romance.

As an example, the other night at the movies, we saw "The King's Speech," and I let Donna snuggle with me behind the spit guard.

Secrets to a Successful 30-Year Marriage #2-4

Although I play with my food, my spouse is not allowed to declare I'm behaving like a "child."

I prefer to be recognized as a Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity Feng Shuist.

Out of love and deference, not once, not one time in three decades, have I left the toilet seat up. Not once!

A jewel, aren't I?

The cats would fall in.

I read a report that said the average married couple has 312 arguments per year.

Husbands and wives should not quarrel so much. It is not productive in any reasonable--

Gee, I'm not the bickering jerk I thought. I could do worse. What's Donna's phone number?!...

Secrets to a Successful 30-Year Marriage #1

I am often asked -- well, once -- "What are the secrets to your long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, lon--"

"That's enough. Stop it."

"Sorry, Mike. What are the secrets to your marriage?"

"Thanks for asking. Triscuit?"

"No, thank you," said the young man.

"We've got silly cheddar in a can."

"Pass."

"Fine. Here's a tip for you. Follow me to my bathroom."

"Huh? What?" said the inquisitive young man.

"In here. Get in here with yourself. Over the sink."

"Employees Must Wash Hands," he read aloud.

"Yes, the sign. Donna's wedding present to me. It helps me remember. I have to meet code."

Big Weekend

Big weekend, successfully completing the first 30 years of our marriage.

As of this moment, Donna and I have been wife and indentured huggy hunk / designated dimples / assorted cheeses tray carrier / hot towel-ensconced manservant / anvil caddy for 1560 consecutive big weekends.

Today, Valentine's Day, is our wedding anniversary. To commemorate the occasion, I searched far and wide for the perfect gift. The Walmart is quite a spread, but an o-no!-asis worthy to cross for m'lady.

The lass loves jewelry, so I could never go wrong there. I picked out the large hoop earrings that are all the rage.

She's to have the yellow -- and I'll be getting some lip, if ... you know ... what ... I mean. ♥

Pillow Talk

Previously, I shared a little teaser from our epic vacation. Now, I'm ready to confess the entire tale. Here's how it all began:

Donna: Are you awake?

Mike: Si.

Donna: Would you like to go on a trip?

Mike: Si.

Donna: You would?

Mike: Si.

Donna: When?

Mike: Soon.

Donna: Soon?

Mike: Si.

Donna: Where would you like to go?

Mike: Silt.

Donna: Silt?

Mike: Si.

Donna: Silt, Colorado?

Mike: Si.

Donna: What's to do?

Mike: See.

Donna: See?

Mike: Si.

Donna: See what?

Mike: Slim.

Donna: Slim?

Mike: Si.

Donna: Silt Slim?

Mike: Si.

Donna: You don't know any Slim.

Mike: Sad.

Donna: That would be--

Mike: Silly?

Donna: Si.

Donna: NOW CUT THAT OUT!

Mike: Si.

Donna: What do you imagine this Slim does?

Mike: Silage.

Donna: Silage?

Mike: Si.

Donna: I'm afraid to ask this next one. You're talking silage, the fermented, high-moisture fodder that can be fed to cud-chewing animals like--

Mike: Sheep.

Donna: Sheep?

Mike: Si.

Donna: Steer?

Mike: Sure.

Donna: So--

Mike: Si.

Donna: Silage?

Mike: Si.

Donna: Silt?

Mike: Si.

Donna: Where in Silt?

Mike: Silo.

Donna: A silo!

Mike: Si. See.

Donna: Chances?

Mike: Slim.

Donna: Sleep.

Mike: Sleep?

Donna: Zs...

With apologies to Jack Benny, Wikipedia, and, of course, Slim.

Deer, Dear Me

Another snowstorm moved into our yard at the start of "The Huggable Durretts' 29th Anniversary Celebration Weekend Sans Pie, Where's the Lemon Pie, Lady?"

I looked out the kitchen window to see if my wife had arrived at the cozy abode / love nest / overstuffed closet.

Run! Run like the wind! Donna's home!

Big Weekend

Big weekend, celebrating our marriage: Valentine's Day = 29 years!

We began the romantic festivities Saturday with me on Facebook. (Actual quotes below.)

Friend Comment
Do you think Mike Durrett is fast?

Mike Durrett
Fast? I have to take a four-hour nap and a Slurpee to get up to sluggish.

...And me without a Hoodie-Footie Snuggle Suit for the Manly Man. (I want one with a camouflage trap door.)

The truth be told, I am not fast. I have been faithful to my wife, unless you count swiping her trick-or-treat candies.

And she's not to learn about those. You hear?!

Later, we viewed a late-night film, which I couldn't wait to discuss on Facebook.

Mike Durrett
Watching AMELIA. Huh? Is the movie about airplanes? Or gigantic teeth? I haven't seen anything this scary since JAWS, DRACULA & The Osmonds.

Friend Comment
You're only scared because you are up so late, go to bed!

Mike Durrett
Bed? Who can sleep? I'll be up all night flossing. I've left a voice mail consoling Bucky the Ipana Beaver. Mortimer Snerd phoned, having esteem issues...

Everybody in the movie keeps asking her to open their potato chip bags!

Amelia's overbite is so big, I expect it to leave marks in the next show I watch.

Sunday morning, we entered our 30th year of man-and-wifeyness with me responding to the family best wishes on Facebook.

Mike Durrett
Thanks, kids. We are so crazy in love, we just had waffles.

Safe waffles. After marriage.

Brother Comment
Stay warm. We have extra snow if you guys need any.

Mike Durrett
More snow coming here. Send syrup.

The "kids" reference is a term of endearment. We have no children. I was too tense, waiting for the invention of Facebook.

Donna also baked cookies and we went out to dinner. I chomped both meals and wrote about them on Facebook.

Anniversary concluded.

Then, we booked face.

Valentine's Decades

Today is my 29th wedding anniversary.

Thank you.

Surprisingly, it is also Donna's 29th wedding anniversary. We've made it together and we have pretty much outlived or been married longer than the wise skeptics who were certain we wouldn't remain coupled to the rice fling.

(We even triumphed over the pinto beans thunderboomers during our rice shower.)

To quote the immortal philosopher Snoopy:

"BLEAH!!"

Our secrets to a long marriage?

Well, I guess I can share them with the likes of you. S'okay...

We never go to bed angry. (We fall asleep on the sofa or in the computer chair, trying not to fume and scorch the furniture.

And, she's never called me Geraldo.

(We're saving that 'til Year 37.)

Take those to the bank, lovesters.

Big Weekend

We drove to a romantic, secluded parking lot and perused the vintage jottings of classmates in my sacred high school yearbook.

Craig W. writes:

"Mike, you are the weirdest guy in this whole place. You have a way with humans. Good luck."

Bob Bobblehead

Twenty-eight years of marriage. Actual correspondence.

-----Original Message-----
From: Mike Durrett
To: Donna Durrett
Subject: I have found your birthday present.

http://is.gd/NqgC
[A Robert Osborne Bobblehead Doll, from Turner Classic Movies]

OH, man! What I've always wanted!

[Donna]

Actually, I think I'll buy you the George Clooney bobblehead. It's much more realistic, but needs more bobbly.

[Mike]

Ah, would ja please ???

Don't you dare!

[Donna]

Aw, c'mon. There's a set with Kate Hepburn, Charlie Callas, and Barney Fife.

[Mike]

Oh, help me!

[Donna]

Merry Christmas

The secret to our nearly 28 years of marriage!

Meanwhile...

The Pumpkin Patch: Conjugal Visit

My Day Out

The doctor was tardy for our appointment, but pleased to discover the progress made on my diet. He exploded with congratulatory encouragement. So much so, I feel kinda bad about licking all of the tongue depressors.

You can intone a heap of "ahhhhhhhs," waiting alone with one of those glass doctor cookie jars full of wooden sticks. I'm a self-starter. I'm perfectly capable of playing without others.

Some people say the best music is created singing in the shower. Perhaps, although I'm pretty melodious squeaking air out of an inflated examination glove while prone half naked on the plush comfort of a chilly paper sheet.

My mother would have been proud of me. I saved something for next time: thermometers. (No relation.)

I celebrated acing the check-up by chomping a large lunch with my wife, who ordered fish tacos. I yelled "Solé!" and had the Fried Green Tomatoes with Jessica Tandy au jus, suitably green, age-spotty.

For dessert, we dove into banana puddings.

Donna brought banana puddings into our marriage, all those years ago. They don't last as long as a cat, but hairballs are far less of a regular occurrence and heartworm treatments are not mandatory. At least, when we eat out.

Later, I drove home to see news of wildfires burning near downtown Los Angeles, warming the atmosphere. A Hollywood wax museum reports "goops of melted celebrities to become new Joy Behar exhibit."

The Missing Link

The other day, I was handling several chores simultaneously. One of them involved opening a sealed carton of meatless sausage for my breakfast. I fumbled the package, but managed to place two of the links on a plate and proceed.

When my wife arrived home that evening, Morty the Cat and I met her in the kitchen.

Donna stopped in her tracks, kneeling down to peek at the floorboard underneath a cabinet, beyond my line of sight. Without saying a word, she stood up. There was a dark brown sausage link pinched daintily between the tips of her index finger and thumb. The look on her face was quizzical and priceless, as she held out the aged, largely unrecognizable item for us to see and comment.

"Oh," I chuckled, "somebody dropped one." I grabbed Morty and disappeared.

Snail Male

Twenty-six years of marriage. Actual conversation, while walking along the curb to the car.

Donna: Eww. Here's a snail without a shell.

Mike: What? Was he evicted?

Subject: Alan Menken on The Little Mermaid Opening in New York

Twenty-six years of marriage. Actual email correspondence.

From: Broadway Across America (Atlanta)
To: Mike Durrett
Forwarded: Donna Durrett

...Alan Menken is an accomplished songwriter who has won more Academy Awards than any other living composer in Oscar history. He is perhaps best known for his work on Disney movies, including "The Little Mermaid," "Beauty and the Beast" and "Aladdin." Menken and his late writing partner, Howard Ashman, composed seven songs for "The Little Mermaid," the film that helped revitalize Disney animation and launch his career. Now the movie that audiences adore is making its debut on Broadway as a brand-new production....

From: Donna Durrett
To: Mike Durrett

Cool. I hope it does well and they find a way to get it on the ROAD so we can see it! An ocean may be difficult to move.

From: Mike Durrett
To: Donna Durrett

They're probably afraid it would be stolen in Atlanta with the drought and all...

Subject: Good Morning

Twenty-six years of marriage. Actual email correspondence.

From: Donna Durrett
To: Mike Durrett

Morty threw up a hairball this morn on the kitchen floor.

Hope your day is as productive!

Thinking of you.

dd

From: Mike Durrett
To: Donna Durrett

"threw up" + "hairball" = "thinking of you"

I'm in heat.