Taste Test: Little Debbie Nutty Bars

Dramatic Reenactment

ISLE OF PALMS, South Carolina -- Niece Deborah insisted we drop everything and rush to the Piggly Wiggly to purchase Nutty Bars.

"I'm on vacation," I said.

"But Nutty Bars are my favorite, Uncle Mike," Deborah said.

"This, ahem, Piggly Wiggly of which you speak," I elucidated, inexplicably assuming a 1939 Basil Rathbone as Sherlock Holmes demeanor sans pipe. (I did produce a deerstalker detective hat, however. Oh, the delightful bric-a-brac one finds in a time share!) "I am a strict vegetarian. Shall there be pork fumes?"

"I don't think so, Uncle Mike. Tut. Tut. Tut, my good fellow. Hot tea, old man?" Deborah had inexplicably become Nigel Bruce as Dr. Watson, although much younger and lovelier. I think it was the sea air blowing in across the pond from Great Britain. And maybe the cocktails.

"Ah, my niece, I shall be obliged to escort you to the Piggle Wiggle."

"Piggly Wiggly."

"I shan't be common. Piggle Wiggle."

"Don't you like Nutty Bars, Uncle Mike?" Deborah asked.

"Never had the pleasure of their hilarity," I said. "I've seen the rascals strewn hither and yon my entire existence, but a failure am I, alas, to have not partaken of the drollery of the Nutty Bars. I beg your forgiveness and condolence.

"They are wafer cookies with peanut butter," Deborah said. "You shall consume one this very eve."

"Nutty," I said. "We shall har-de-har 'til dawn."

"We're off," said Deborah, addressing assorted kindred and country men. "Hot tea?"

We returned posthaste from the supermarket, alternately clutching -- and romancing -- an entire carton of Nutty Bars.

Being a patron of laughter, I couldn't wait to sink my glistening fangs into the Nutty Bars' implied wholesome wackiness, or, as you Americans say, nuttiness.

I announced for all to hear I would chose the moment to conduct one of my patented Taste Tests here in the field, 400 miles afar from my beloved laboratory with kitchenette and the occasional tofu weenie tongs.

Tonight's experiment would be further enhanced with my trademarked Windblown, Tousled Beach Lad Hair™. There was animated applause, as there should be.

I admired the attractive Nutty Bars packaging. "This Little Debbie child must be one of the greatest of comediennes to produce such nuttiness. There, I have acclimated to this New World and I cannot wait to chomp and guffaw and savor mademoiselle's clever confection. Shall we commence?"

"Ever so amused you shall be, Uncle Mike," said Deborah.

"I forage without fear, lass. I embrace thy whimsy."

The Taste Test

Dramatic Reenactment

The Verdict

It don't taste funny.

More Taste Tests: Kellogg's Disney-Pixar "Finding Nemo" Cereal | Kellogg's Disney-Pixar "The Incredibles" Multi-Grain Cereal | Kellogg's Disney Chocolate Mud & Bugs Cereal | Rice Krispies - The Cat in the Hat Recipe | Scooby-Doo! Baked Cheddar Crackers | Dexter's Mini Sandwich Cookies
Photos copyright ©2005 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.