My Top 10 Resolutions for a Happy New Year

It's not easy being Mikey. Hunger ... Fatigue ... Aging ... The Trouble With Linens...

10. Increase exercise. Yawn bigger -- and sustain until there's a pulse.

9. Attend seminary for theological discourse. ... Kim Komando: Thongs? Or Kim Komando: Commando?

8. Stop wetting bed with seltzer bottle.

7. Lose 30 pounds. Expunge hairball.

6. Curb appetite. Throw up in street.

5. Go forth and multiply. Hope lover enjoys fractions.

4. Cease booty calls to slippers.

3. Get more sleep. Wear larger jammies.

If that doesn't work, inflate head.

2. Voluntarily retire as Teen Dream. But only if I'm installed as Teen Mind Trip Emeritus.

And my number one resolution for a Happy New Year ...

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