Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On Technology

Friend Randy
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Mike
Randy, that is, without a doubt, the worst email address ever.

Randy
You've heard of "butt dialing"? I "butt posted"! :)

Mike
Eww...

On Hitch's List

Friend Michael
‎"North By Northwest," one of Alfred Hitchcock's most revered films, premiered on this date [July 17] in 1959. Where do you think the film ranks among Hitchcock's body of work?

Mike
Tends to be the Hitchcock I watch most often -- and that says a lot, considering I'm practically roommates with PSYCHO and REAR WINDOW.

On My Radio Pal Bob Middleton's Birthday

Bob, you were certainly the highlight of my radio career. I'd take nothing for those 16 months we partnered on the air each morning. You taught me much, expanded my creativity chops, encouraged me to fake it, hooked me on coffee, never offered me your bacon, failed to get me laid, failed to get me laid with the note from your Mom, never took me to see a Komodo dragon and if I wanted to take the kiddos to see a Komodo dragon, where would I take the kiddos to see a Komodo dragon?--

.... What? What's this? Wait. You're not dead? Shh-- Forget this then. I am not doffing our collective hats. See if I steal any more Bob and Ray with you. And I hired a cummerbund....

Mike
Happy birthday, Bubber. May a crazed holy man behead your PEZ dispenser.

Bob
Thanks, Mike, I now get the senior citizens discount at the Piggly Wiggly. May a crazed pirate leave a peg leg in your chicken bucket.

Mike
May Peg Leg Bates' ghost tap dance his way into your cart and Morse Code your grandmother.

Bob
May Abe Vigoda drool on your stool.

Mike
I hope an amorous wiggly piggly corkscrew-tails your donut pillow.

Bob
May a ruthless weasel force you to back into a cold doorknob.

Mike
Leave our former boss out of this. May you sit on your keys and unlock your lunch.

Bob
May an unruly Mugwump pop a boil on your lip.

Mike
I hope the ghost of Harry Dean Stanton repossesses your carbuncles. And if he's not dead, may he come over and sort through your garage.

Bob
May Moms Mabley drop her last tooth in your sitz bath.

Mike
May Al "Grandpa" Lewis return from the dead with your act.

Bob
May Don Rickles rake your boot.

Mike
May Dudley Do-Right mount your Canadian Club.

Bob
May Rocky the Squirrel fly into your pants.

Mike
Well, thank you very much. That would be ever so delightful; nevertheless, may an amorous moose become your hat tree.

Bob
May a horny anteater lick your sister. So there.

Mike
May The Great Pumpkin appear in your soul patch.

Bob
May a day-old bread truck backfire mold on your hood ornament.

Mike
May Alvin and the Chipmunks Bobsled your colonoscopy.

Bob
"Bobsled your colonoscopy." Mike, you are so bad..

May David Seville speed up your bowel movements.

Friend Alan
I call it a tie!