Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Anti Monkey Butt and Lady Anti Monkey Butt

What respectable household would not welcome the enticement of guests with an assortment of Anti Monkey Butt powders adorning the, here you go, powder room counter top, or colorful mealtime centerpiece?

Well, it ain't happening at our home, thanks to Mr. S. Claus, and, boy, is my butt chapped about it, too.

Ideal for butt busting activities such as truck driving, motorcycling, bicycling, horse back riding, and extreme sports. May also be applied inside footwear, under sports pads, and other areas prone to chafing. Indoors or outdoors, work or play, or on occasions when you sit on your butt all day, don’t let your buns get red, use Anti Monkey Butt Powder instead!

That passage of "The Gospel According to Anti Monkey Butt" may have been translated from "The Bible." I'm not sure. My childhood Sunday School was lacking. We did talk about leper butt and locust butt, I recall, and, "Don't forget the Wednesday night Spaghetti Suppers, featuring Sopping Red Sauce Stains on Palestine Toast."

I had intended to present my wife with the Lady Anti Monkey Butt, of course, as Christmas is also for us romantics.

Say Good-bye to Chafed Thighs! Lady Anti Monkey Butt Powder is specially formulated with patented satiny smooth powder to minimize the frictional discomfort that women often experience...

Great, Santa, great, you chimp.

We're in the pink, not!

Gah, rump, um, plum plum,

We and our bums.

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