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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter:

On this, the very first day, the dawn of a new year, if you will, I resolve to craft each and every one of my tweets at 140 characters or le

Happy birthday, Elvis. His movies were important to my childhood, a role model. I am revered for my choreographed fistfights & rock-a-hula.

Breaking News: Life in America is returning to normal. I have completed more than two weeks without anyone mentioning Jennifer Aniston.

My wife: "I found the perfect gift for us -- a Betty White calendar for 2011! Really!" ... My Me: "No Allen Ludden nudes, I pray."

After never, I am experiencing a white Christmas, 4 in. snow so far. The bad news: We're stranded. The good: Not a chance of LITTLE FOCKERS.

Oh, great. I've got that Christmas carol stuck in my head again. "Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Urinal Lane..."

Listening to Dean Martin sing "Rudy, the Red-Beaked Reindeer." I love his "Crib for the Unemployment Extensions."

Entering Snowbound Day 4. Looking grim. Two people. One banana. I'm just saying, I deserve it and I got more dimples.

Snowbound Day 4: Awaiting helicopter drop of ACME products. The banana shall be mine.

Snowed in. Can't reach movie theatre... Plan B: May hike to Waffle House. The help looks like Rooster Cogburn and they have true grits.

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