My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less

I'm wearing my dreamcatcher sweat socks. How do I look?

Headline: "Neal Hefti Dead at 85." Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.

Dennis Miller on Dick Cheney's surgeries: "I haven't seen anyone walk through heart attacks like this since SANFORD AND SON's 3rd season."

Life has thrown me another vicious curve. Why go on? The Old Fat Guy From BORAT is younger than me.

...But there's still time for me to be fatter!

Headline: "San Diego man caught with lobsters in pants." The thief would've gotten away with it, too, if he hadn't started walking sideways.

Item: "Travis Fessler held 11 huge cockroaches in his mouth for 10 seconds to draw attention to his favorite charity." Madonna is a charity?

I am feeling so immensely grouchy. Grrrrrrrrrrr... Seems I've missed National Grouch Day. http://snurl.com/4f1mw

...And I bet there were cupcakes.

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