What the Heck Was I Thinking?

Actual Messages I Wrote, Forgot, Then Found While Cleaning Out My Email Folders

"I was looking at the beginning of 'Splendor in the Grass.' Phyllis Diller is listed in that movie. I think she plays the mulch."


"I saw a painting of an old guy talking to has-beens and newsmakers. He's wearing suspenders and big glasses. He's got a loud tie and a blue shirt with a white collar. His bald spot--

"Uh, that's the Larry King show on CNN. It's not a painting. Somebody needs to check his pulse. I thought TV was supposed to be moving pictures. Larry, get a wild pony or a fire pole! Something! Inhale for us ... roll over ... fetch! Turn your peptic ulcer into a musical! Do something! The man is static! He makes dead gnats seem hyper. Larry King should be in a walnut frame. He should be hanging over a tattered bedspread with a smoldering Marlboro butt burn."


"Larry King, the only man who dresses in used Smurf shirts. Mr. Blackwell ought to have him boarded up."

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