My Thoughts on My Birthday

1. Dumb-ass kids.

2. Time whooshes by. It seems like only yesterday I was two.

Wait a minute. Yesterday was Peep-Eye Day.

Let's move on.

3. I'm reassessing my stance of no cosmetic surgery. I gaze into the mirror and hanker for a nip here and a tuck there, staple gun hither, even though the CoverBoy cream and Lost Cause Fathead by Estée Lauder are improvements.

4. Maybe I should update my cologne from Bill Cullen: The Fragrance to something modern, like Forever Tom Bosley.

5. To save for retirement, I need to downsize my dreams of a ShamWow! and buy a ShamSoSo.

6. I'm told losing weight is harder as we age. All I know is my cheeks have beer guts. And my dimples are now navels.

7. I am not old enough to ask for the Senior Citizen Discount, but businesses keep giving it to me anyway. I'm caught in a disturbing place between being highly insulted and keeping their money.

I keep their money.

But with a scowl!

8. The senior citizen ticket at the movie theatre is eight dollars. That's the reduced price.

The reduced price I paid on the other end of full admissions, as a child, was 25 cents.

Twenty-five cents are now eight dollars?

Dumb-ass kids.
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