Snail Email

I'm in Email Hell today. Something's wrong with my DSL service. The messages are trickling in -- except for the spam. Oh, thank God, I'm getting my spam in a timely fashion.

And that's a good thing because the world is concerned about my penis.

My fans need to keep in touch with me, so it's important I receive their 400 penile posts every day after night, night after day, year after year. Earthlings care about MikeChicken and the nuggets.

In fact, I kid you not, in the past few minutes, a Hilda Lawson and an Alana Gaines of the Internet have written to me 22 times with appendage imperatives crying out such diverse subject lines as "Increase Your Penis Width" and "Doctor Approved and Recommended."

Ladies, ladies, I hear your anguish, but I assure you my penis is in good hands. We can handle it.