Stomaching Cats

Talking to acquaintances, the conversation roamed to our kitties. Proud parents are we.

Cats are superb companions and mine are respectful, too. They walk between me and the computer screen, but almost never step on the laptop -- well, ever since that ugly ampersand incident.

Occasionally, they will pretend to claw and cover kitty litter onto my keyboard when I'm about to publish an online article, scattering pens and Post-It notes all over the desk. Oh, how we do cut up!

Kelp and Morty keep me company throughout the day. Morty is the baby, three (Kelp, 17), and he has a nasal irregularity. He snores when he sleeps, so that helps keep me awake when I'm faking I'm a writer.

When Morty is up and on the prowl, he snorts a lot. We, of course, call him "Snorty" as a nickname, and recently have taken to "Mortimer Snort."

Yelping finicky pusses are a universal problem, according to our group. What to feed them?

"Salmon Fancy Feast," I proclaimed. "Food of the Gods. It brings cat world peace."

We've been buying minced -- gotta be minced, a law by the citizenry of the feline kingdom -- We've been buying minced salmon FF since 1980 in its singular color-coded tin. Whenever my wife and I stroll through the supermarket, "What else do we need?" is a common refrain. One word says it all: "Orange."

"Not good," said neighbor Sheila. "That's solid protein, not good." She shook her head and pawed a whisker.

"Huh?" I choked. "Lindsay lived 20 years and Kelp is 17. Fancy Feast is their absolute favorite 'wet' entrée and was almost always present at meals, alongside a bowl of dry food. Next thing you're gonna tell us is to make them give up cigarettes."

She agreed, reluctantly, dry food can be a nutritional dietary supplement and suggested we try several moist food products recommended by her veterinarian.

I shook my head, stifling the urge to bite her on the back of the neck and tussle to the floor.

"We've found once they've had Fancy Feast, they never go back," I said. "Those canned scientific foods, that's tossed away money. My cats will not eat it. Days go by and they'd rather starve. The dry versions are a little more palatable. I like Bleu Cheese with mine."

"Bye," she hissed, slinking away. Sheila can be so catty.

::::: More Morty: Gopher Break | A Kelp and Morty Christmas - Six photos.