Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Emission: Impossible

Valentine's Day was impending. I had hopes of maybe mamma in her 'kerchief and I in my cap all settled down for a long winter's tap.

So, I spent the past week on a home improvement project, installing a novelty machine in the bathroom.

I believe in practicing safe sex, even at those times I'm not practicing.

With the condom condo screwed to the wall over the sink, ready to dispense, we embraced and entered Valentine's Night--

There's never anyone around with change for a dollar when we need them. Next year, I shall make it a priority to keep coins nearby.

Our amorous carnival of sheer passion and assorted oils and linguini and disco caterwauling was interrupted, called on account of quarters.

Ironically, there would be no rubber match.

My darn luck. And she was Morse-coding our sea shanty, too.

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