What the Heck Was I Thinking?

Actual Messages I Wrote, Forgot, Then Found While Cleaning Out My Email Folders

12/07/08

You have shared an excellent story of pluck and passion. I am
happy for you.

It brings back memories of the time I searched for the pocket
square Ernest Truex flashed in the "Everything's Coming Up Roses"
episode of "Grindl" (1964). I found it and today that pocket
square is my ticket to Stan Kahn The Gadget Man's
free-for-the-grabbing career. I'm waiting on callbacks from Mike
Douglas, Merv, AND Della Reese. I might even be in a Wipe-Off
Grudge Match with The ShamWow Guy. Did you get that, Camera Guy?

Mike
Who Once Had a Haircut in the Shape of a "Beau Geste" Hat

03/16/06

Paul has copyrighted befuddled.

12/25/08

Mayhem and slobber expected.

I Got Nuthin'

Consolation Video: Bob Hope and Lassie: "You Bet Your Life, Lassie" (1955) via YouTube

Mikellaneous

My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less

I much prefer 1962 Elvis in GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS! to 1976 Elvis in GIRTH! GIRTH! GIRTH!

News Headline: "Gettin' Ready for Sundance with Brittany Snow" -- Oh, great, who's gonna play Butch? Lindsay Lohan?

I'm watching THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (1951) on Blu-ray. Then, off to the theatre to see what my friend calls KEANU BARADA NIKTO, DUDE!

News Item: "Man dresses up girlfriend like grandmother to withdraw her money." Please tell me they're not buying the Bates Motel. Please!

Haven't seen BENJAMIN BUTTON, yet. ... Wait. Yes, I have. Jonathan Winters played him on MORK & MINDY.

Speaking of MORK & MINDY, I was stung by pal Randy Stewart's assessment, "Pam Dawber is much cuter than Mud Dawber."

Item: "Couple weds at Taco Bell." With this chalupa, I now pronounce you man & wife & Double Decker Taco. You may extra hot sauce the bride.

This new year, we must join hands, hearts & minds to solve life's greatest mystery: Does Popeye the Sailor Man really live in a garbage can?

[Message to:] @treesandshrubs I'm thinking about responding to your 3-weeks-old tweet to me on procrastination. I'll let you know, maybe. Maybe not.

News Item: "Nut Bandits Steal $100,000 in Cashews." That ain't exactly peanuts, but, thankfully, no one was 'saulted.

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Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Something I Saw at the Computer

What I Told Santa:



What Santa Brought Me:

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Ginormous Coins

There goes my plan to fight inflation.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Ginormous Diamond Ring

Santa reneged on the ring. I guess this means we're just friends.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Ginormous Toothbrush

I like an extra long handle so I can reach in and neutralize tonsil tickles or polish my pancreas.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Those Books

I am so far behind in my reading.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Color Bath Fizz

Plop. Plop. Fizz. Fizz. Oh, what a relief it is!

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: 'Searching for Debra Winger'

I've been wanting to see this film, part of the "Googling for Theo and Cockroach" and "Seriously, Yahoo for Yahoo Serious" trilogy.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: State Fair Big Wheel

Hopped-Up Meth Freak Carny With Abscessed Tongue Pierce and Styrofoam Derby sold separately (and coming my way via Easter Bunny)

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Quaint Inspirational Homily

After Santa's failure to deliver, I purchased this framed sentiment. It's next to my pillow.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Zip-a-Dee Mini Pops

Oddly enough, that's the exact noise we Durretts make passing kidney stones.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Mega Brows

The Archie McPhee catalog is provocatively enticing:

"They're thick, they're bold, they're really, really prominent — they're Mega Brows! Each package features three different styles of lush fake eyebrows with adhesive backing. Should fit most adult faces and can be easily trimmed to fit children as well."

See? What did I say?

Swell. The Grandpa. The Angry Scotsman. The Unibrow. I have been in desperate need of brow accoutrements for all occasions. Good caterpillars are hard to find.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Visitor Center

I was expecting Mr. Claus to show up with my Visitor Center. He brought me the sign last year, so I was hoping.

Oh, not a building. Santa couldn't fly that in. That would be silly.

Just the building plans, the lumber, nails, seven brads for seven druthers, plus the cash for the contractor, earth mover, and a selection of canary blue plastic hard hats we could sport, arms akimbo.

I've always wanted a Visitor Center out back of the house. Somewhere to sell nine dollar Pepsis, mock scrapple, crummy t-shirts with my name on 'em. Maybe trade yarns about the weather and, boy, howdy, the price of smelt.

I need a place to hand over coveted brochures and point worn-down travelers to the Cracker Barrel and the "I got a call into the man" porta-potties, left of the bees.

Acres of free parking. Treasure Hunt every Saturday. Regional fruit in season. Grab a goodie from our communal scuppernong bucket. It's cool inside!

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Canned Eggs

It's probably for the best Santa didn't follow through here. I hate it when people play the race yolk.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Colon Cleanser

My colon hangs, and now my ampersand is sticky. Enough with the poking around with the tissues and cotton swabs. I'm buying a new keyboard.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Horrified B-Movie Victims

Santa's neglect has sabotaged my new diet plan. I was going to place these petrified villagers strategically around the dining table to shame me whenever I rolled in as The Blob.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Massaging Body Lotion

What I Told Santa:

"I'd like a year's supply of massaging body lotion."


What Santa Brought Me:

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Bryant Gumbel

What I Told Santa:



What Santa Brought Me:

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: TV Pens

Instead of top notch TV Pens, he brought me Budget Deficit Community Theater Sidewalk Chalks.

Instead of good shows like "Hannah Montana," "The Little Mermaid," and "Mickey Mouse," I got "Chest Cold of a Salesman," "A Christmas Carol O'Connor," and the elderly hippie musical, "Hair Plugs."

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Ginormous Comb

I understand Santa not delivering on this one. I couldn't part with it either.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Ginormous Bow Tie

I was going to have Geek Squad make it spin and maybe play a polka.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Ginormous Body Parts

I'm sensitive about the size of my big ears. These persuasive slip-ons would provide camouflage and negate your cruel world's knowing, judgmental stares.

I'd also gain the necessary cover to run around and shout out the occasional, endearing, very huge


"HUH?"

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Ten Toes. Six Sox.

Sometimes I think Santa is useless. I told him. I told the man. I told him to write it down! He brought me Ten Sox. Six Toes.

Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Über Macho Chest Rug

I had so been wanting to downplay my voluptuously virile chest thatch.

Tucking myself under this portable thinning-out gift would have been less intimidating to the locals and have insured fewer stray hairs to waft through the IHOP.

I can't pay for everyone's Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruities.

I Got Nuthin'

_{via YouTube}

Cartoon Carnival

Popeye the Sailor in "Let's Celebrake" (Dave Fleischer, 1933)
_{via YouTube}


Daffy Duck and Porky Pig in "Drip-Along Daffy" (Chuck Jones, 1951)
_{via YouTube}


"What Price Fleadom" (Tex Avery, 1947)
_{via YouTube}

Mikellaneous

My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less

New Year's Resolution: Lose some weight. HA! HA! HA! I kill me.

New Year's Resolution: Exercise more. Well, I finally finished typing that, didn't I? Phew. Back to bed...

New Year's Resolution: Get more sleep. I am concerned about this one, as it may cut into my valuable nap time.

News: "Man Shot in Movie Theatre for Talking During Film." Yesss! My hero! And on Christmas, too! So delicious. Bravo!

After all this time, I saw the ShamWow guy on TV hawking Slap Chop and Graty. It's another Christmas miracle, I tell ya!

When TVs switch over to digital only, will I also have to upgrade my Etch-a-Sketch?

New Year's Memory 1969/70

Updated: 12/30/09

Comments I posted on Cinema Treasures:

My first visit to the Ansley Mall MiniCinema [in Atlanta] was during Christmas week, 1969. Universal [had] reissued their four W.C. Fields titles (1939-1941) to capitalize on his [resurgence].

100 Things About Me #165

I saw a double feature of "You Can't Cheat an Honest Man" and "My Little Chickadee" from new 35mm prints. Those began my lifelong obsession with Fields, so it's no wonder I returned on opening night for the next program of "The Bank Dick" and "Never Give a Sucker an Even Break."

It was New Year's Eve. Every seat was filled. There were two film breaks during the opening titles of "The Bank Dick." I was in a panic I would not get to see the movie.

I had even arrived at the theatre before the management's last minute appearance on the premises. I remember I was worried the shows had been cancelled. The movies did run and the crowd was very enthusiastic. What a great week in my life.

As luck would have it, YouTube is streaming a chunk of "The Bank Dick" (1940), which I have embedded here.


"The Bank Dick" is the grand prize of the Universal Fields with scores of delectable moments. Many I memorized after multiple viewings and would recite for my classmates.

After watching funny movies all these years, I long ago realized W.C. Fields is the finest screen comedian of them all. He had the rare combination of talents to excel in both physical and verbal comedy. (Most successful comics do one or the other.) Add the impeccable instincts of a flowery wordsmith, mischievous creator, and astounding juggler to that unique, curmudgeonly, rascal persona and Fields exhibited a subtle-to-surreal mastery of silliness with unparalleled precision.


More: "W.C. Fields: An Appreciation" @ About.com
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