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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less

This just in: VIAGRA Official Site has emailed me. Frankly, I'm not up for it.

@rawpodcasts asks "Are Cheerios not the greatest midnight snack?" ... Close, but Cheetos is the answer.

@frannycats sez: "Hey guys! Lay off.. Real men do love cats, ya know? I've been preaching that for yrs." Amen, sister! I've got the vapors..

I put some Greenies treats on the floor for my cat. Honestly, he sniffed them and then made cover-up gestures over them!

At 65MPH, a ladder fell off a truck & my wife ran over it! She & the car are unharmed, but there's your stairway to heaven.

My wife says, if I eat all my lunch, she'll give me a bonus Shed Ender! Don't know if that's for me or the lasagna, though.

News Item: "Man Falls Off Bridge While Urinating." ... Well, somebody's got to say it. Might as well be me. ... *ahem* ... What a way to go.

News Item: In Austria, "eagle mugs woman, takes purse." Those were a flew of my favorite things...

It's been a long time since I've picked up a newspaper. The daily comics are now in color! Best technical achievement ever!

News Item: "Granny has vaginal surgery to snag young husband." Well, that was an unfortunate use of the language.

Hoping to reach 50,000 Followers within the hour. Only 49,816 to go! Whew, being me is dizzy.

Just followed @sniffyjenkins, mainly because I don't meet many Sniffys. My used pocket squares supplier & Sniffy. That's 2.

A fawn ran out in front of my car. I slowed, missed. Then some hick passed me, yelling "L'ARN TEW DRAHVE!" I hollered back, "LEARN TO TALK!"

The worst part of growing older is no one "Daddy-Os" me.

Personally, I find weed-whacking to be quite romantic. The strolling violins do help.

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