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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less

News Item: "'Spray-on Viagra' helps men last six times longer." And eggs don't stick to the pants.

About that "'Spray-on Viagra' helps men last 6 times longer." Are we talking time or expanse? I may need to pack a lunch and roller skates.

@LNSmithee asks "SIX times longer? You mean that 4-hr warning is now a 24-hr warning?" Seems so. I may need caffeine & a caddy.

News Item: "Radio Shack Employee Arrested for Punching Customer." Some people don't know their place. Supposed to be the other way around.

I may have been in a tornado. It happened fast. All I remember is everything below my belt was spinning counterclockwise.

My "Mommy"s came out "YmmoM!"

The bad storm, possible tornado, came and I was Twittering. I know my priorities, gang. I'm solid!

Back from the dump. Resisting protocol, I drove to the opposite side of the dumpster to toss the garbage. Keepin' it fresh!

News Item: "New beach shoes combine high heels and flippers." Ah, yes, the Flump.

A big cookout across our creek... I can smell the wieners. I'm a vegetarian. I wish they'd go inside to smoke those things.

Discovered I have a gallon of out-of-date milk. I'm not panicking. Solution: FROOT LOOPSATHON! I'm a genius (who forgot to buy Froot Loops).

Homemade Froot Loops are not an option. I think there's lead in the spray paint.

News Item: "Pregnant woman tries to rob bank." Midcrook heard coaching, "Breathe... steal! ... Breathe... steal! ... Breathe... steal!..."

Just now I was involved in a high-speed chase, but I got my li'l tinkly bell back from the cat.

Heading off to bed... It's my nightmares' season finale!

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