Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

Tofurky Kielbasa. I just wanted to be the first today to mention Tofurky Kielbasa.

...I just like typing Tofurky Kielbasa, which is also my maiden name.

Oh no!! Our Blu-ray player is all kaput and junk. I call it the Death-ray.

...I have a new Blu-ray. ... This one does it all, plays movies and spreads hummus on pita...

That's right. Donna picked it out.

So, days ago, during Facebook Doppelganger Week, I changed my profile photo and nobody noticed! Just goes to prove what I've long been saying. I am one of the "Men Who Look Like Bea Arthur." See the gallery of stunning photo evidence...

Friend Comment
I noticed. Thought you'd got your hair done.

Mike
I can't speak for Bea, but I am naturally fluffy.

Friend Comment
I don't care what anybody tells you... you are at least two times cuter than Bea...

Mike
Plus, I have to bring it all together without a scarf.

Friend Comment
Those scarves were to hide neck wrinkles. Nice trick.

Mike
See. That's the way you can differentiate me from Bea Arthur. I embrace my neck wrinkles. Well, I did until the constable asked me to stop.

Friend Comment
Mikey, ask anybody -- your wattle has always been one of your most appealing features.

Mike
Modesty keeps me from agreeing with you completely and making your car payments, but thanks for noticing.

Friend Comment
Trust me... you give good wattle...

Mike
Thank you so much. I only wish it didn't rattle.

Friend Comment
It's less a rattle than a musical flutter, much like a fleshy wind chime.

Mike
Add my trademark nose whistle and there's a harp glissando in the air.

Now, in your honor, we'd like to play the Sigmund Romberg-Frank Mandel-Laurence Schwab-Oscar Hammerstein II toe-rouser from the Broadway hit, "New Moon," "Stout-Wattled Men" ... with special lyrics by Sammy Cahn....