Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions:
I would love to see you and New York at Christmastime. That would be fun, but I cannot this year.

Hang in there, though, I will be at Carnegie Hall April 12th with my one man show, "A Tribute to Beyoncé in Card Tricks, Jello Molds, and the Dogg's Swerve On," featuring tropical fruit and, of course, jammm. I'll be crooning, flying them all, from "Sweet Dreams (Smash Mode Remix)" to "Ave Maria" to "Get Me Bodied." I'll leave comps at the box. Bring congratulatory liniments. Looking for a Dance Captain, Dance Private First Class, and a gunner.

I think I've developed Carpal Tunnel Bathroom Syndrome. And I wasn't even right-clicking my mouse.

On Mom's Cuisine:

I boycotted her gargantuan cow tongue on a platter. I think my vegetarianism began with those moo tongue bumps with the hairs in them.

Man, that was the creepiest dinner ever.

That poor cow, running around, going, "MOOF."

On the Dangers of Phoning and Texting While Driving:

Fortunately, I'm old school. I just spin plates on a stick.
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