Mike Durrett: CONFIDENTIAL

Top 13 Tokens of Affection to Never Give Your Valentine

Don't Ask Me How I Know, but Trust Me on These
  • A jawbreaker the size and scales of Godzilla's gallstone.
  • A clutch purse full of Velcro colons.
  • An old jar of hot pickled bad boys breath. (Evade the Motley Crüe.)
  • A phony moustache to disguise the real moustache.
  • Ankle-waxed fur boots.
  • A paddle with the shrunken head of Katie Couric attached to a rubber band.
  • A lint trap with a secret trapdoor for freedom fighter fuzz.
  • Clip-on wart hair extensions.
  • A blanket with sleeves and a mysterious stain at the wrist in the likeness of Wilford Brimley's left jowl.
  • Any signature fragrance from the fine family of Barney Frank's handkerchiefs.
  • A Slinky made from a coiled Andy Rooney eyebrow pluck.
  • Alphabet soup spelling out exactly how the steam is clearing the nostrils.
  • A Muppet eyeball for her navel socket.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...