Don't Ask Me How I Know, but Trust Me on These
- A jawbreaker the size and scales of Godzilla's gallstone.
- A clutch purse full of Velcro colons.
- An old jar of hot pickled bad boys breath. (Evade the Motley Crüe.)
- A phony moustache to disguise the real moustache.
- Ankle-waxed fur boots.
- A paddle with the shrunken head of Katie Couric attached to a rubber band.
- A lint trap with a secret trapdoor for freedom fighter fuzz.
- Clip-on wart hair extensions.
- A blanket with sleeves and a mysterious stain at the wrist in the likeness of Wilford Brimley's left jowl.
- Any signature fragrance from the fine family of Barney Frank's handkerchiefs.
- A Slinky made from a coiled Andy Rooney eyebrow pluck.
- Alphabet soup spelling out exactly how the steam is clearing the nostrils.
- A Muppet eyeball for her navel socket.
