Channel flipping into a gushy celebrity show, I heard sad canned music and a voice feign concern about actress Valerie Bertinelli's "courageous battle to lose 30 pounds!"
What? That twig Eddie Van Halen?
Oh, please, there is nothing "courageous" about reducing 30 pounds. I've lost 30 pounds several times. I'm working on 50 more at the moment. I don't deserve medals.
Although, I would like one of those lucrative celebrity spokespudge endorsements -- and a sleeve of cookies, thank you.
Chocolate.
Almonds.
Toffee chunks.
Milk.
And a s'more.
That "courageous" malarkey gripes me. I guess we're cowards, huh, because we ate streusel?
"I really wanted a healthy portion of broccoli, Doctor, but I chickened out. I ate a chicken. I ate a Kentucky Fried Chicken. I ate half of the Colonel Sanders sign. I found a hair in that, incidentally."
Put down the pastry squirter, Valerie, and step away from the shortcake.
