Taste Test: Little Debbie Nutty Bars

Dramatic Reenactment

ISLE OF PALMS, South Carolina -- Niece Deborah insisted we drop everything and rush to the Piggly Wiggly to purchase Nutty Bars.

"I'm on vacation," I said.

"But Nutty Bars are my favorite, Uncle Mike," Deborah said.

"This, ahem, Piggly Wiggly of which you speak," I elucidated, inexplicably assuming a 1939 Basil Rathbone as Sherlock Holmes demeanor sans pipe. (I did produce a deerstalker detective hat, however. Oh, the delightful bric-a-brac one finds in a time share!) "I am a strict vegetarian. Shall there be pork fumes?"

"I don't think so, Uncle Mike. Tut. Tut. Tut, my good fellow. Hot tea, old man?" Deborah had inexplicably become Nigel Bruce as Dr. Watson, although much younger and lovelier. I think it was the sea air blowing in across the pond from Great Britain. And maybe the cocktails.

"Ah, my niece, I shall be obliged to escort you to the Piggle Wiggle."

"Piggly Wiggly."

"I shan't be common. Piggle Wiggle."

"Don't you like Nutty Bars, Uncle Mike?" Deborah asked.

"Never had the pleasure of their hilarity," I said. "I've seen the rascals strewn hither and yon my entire existence, but a failure am I, alas, to have not partaken of the drollery of the Nutty Bars. I beg your forgiveness and condolence.

"They are wafer cookies with peanut butter," Deborah said. "You shall consume one this very eve."

"Nutty," I said. "We shall har-de-har 'til dawn."

"We're off," said Deborah, addressing assorted kindred and country men. "Hot tea?"

We returned posthaste from the supermarket, alternately clutching -- and romancing -- an entire carton of Nutty Bars.

Being a patron of laughter, I couldn't wait to sink my glistening fangs into the Nutty Bars' implied wholesome wackiness, or, as you Americans say, nuttiness.

I announced for all to hear I would chose the moment to conduct one of my patented Taste Tests here in the field, 400 miles afar from my beloved laboratory with kitchenette and the occasional tofu weenie tongs.

Tonight's experiment would be further enhanced with my trademarked Windblown, Tousled Beach Lad Hair™. There was animated applause, as there should be.

I admired the attractive Nutty Bars packaging. "This Little Debbie child must be one of the greatest of comediennes to produce such nuttiness. There, I have acclimated to this New World and I cannot wait to chomp and guffaw and savor mademoiselle's clever confection. Shall we commence?"

"Ever so amused you shall be, Uncle Mike," said Deborah.

"I forage without fear, lass. I embrace thy whimsy."

The Taste Test

Dramatic Reenactment

The Verdict

It don't taste funny.

More Taste Tests: Kellogg's Disney-Pixar "Finding Nemo" Cereal | Kellogg's Disney-Pixar "The Incredibles" Multi-Grain Cereal | Kellogg's Disney Chocolate Mud & Bugs Cereal | Rice Krispies - The Cat in the Hat Recipe | Scooby-Doo! Baked Cheddar Crackers | Dexter's Mini Sandwich Cookies
Photos copyright ©2005 Mike Durrett. All rights reserved.

The High and the Mikey

ISLE OF PALMS, South Carolina -- Each evening during our vacation stay, we were treated to an elaborate kite show by an unknown man on the beach. It was truly amazing to see him make the kites swirl and dance in the ocean breeze.

I never had much luck with kites. I've run miles along the surf, dragging balsa wood, thin paper, and rag tails through the sand, yet the air currents were either insignificant or too tumultuous for this boy to get anything up.

Are you finished with your little joke? Okay, I'll move on.

(Sorry about that. My wife proofreads these pages.)

When I was 10, my mother would drive me to a shopping center on Sundays, back when such establishments were closed for the Sabbath -- long before man said, "Suck it up, God, we're opening the Crud Shack."

In the empty parking lot, however, I could run a great distance in a clearing and, with luck, fly a kite.

One day, my dream came true. I achieved lift off. My kite ascended and must have soared 300 feet into the rich, blue sky. I stood there with a big smile on my face, my neck craning backwards so I could see into the clouds, as I gripped that taught, very long string. What a special, special time.

I said to myself, "The Dairy Queen down the street is open."

I let go and moved onto something else.

Sea, Me Sides of Life

ISLE OF PALMS, South Carolina -- During a long walk on the beach, I noticed a phenomenon I had never seen before: live starfish. What was curious is the creatures -- and I observed dozens on this sizzling hot day -- had apparently buried themselves in the wet sand to remain cool and camouflaged.

When I snapped the photograph, it was low tide and this star (nicknamed Joan Crawford for those tiny feet and encyclopedic knowledge of "Humoresque") was slowtailing it back to the ocean one foot away.

I looked up to share my discovery with my wife and saw this startling picture....


I thought the world was out-of-frame, being the retired movie projectionist I am, but, no, and lo, I'll be damned if my Donna wasn't returning to the sea, too.

I begged her to come back to me. I confessed I knew I was not as cute as primordial ooze, but I would do better and floss an holiday assortment of tooths, and -- shudder -- let her use the remote control to see doilies on Home Shopping Club.

She caved. Sheesh, do I have it or what?

We reunited and -- I dare only now to speak of the passion -- spooned, and I felt my way lovingly up her torso to the Cheez-Its in her bag.

Something Fishy

ISLE OF PALMS, South Carolina -- My nephew and brother drop hooks into Breach Inlet, opposite Sullivan's Island. Bob's the one frowning.

The Circle of Life

ISLE OF PALMS, South Carolina -- Mother was born in Charleston, so the city and the nearby islands became our vacation destinations throughout my childhood summers.

The photograph captures the public beach on the Isle of Palms today, where we and my brother's family shared a condo and 168 hours near the pier. The beach has become much more commercial and upscale since the simpler, toddler '50s, when I enjoyed my oceanic debut on the identical spot.

I remember being impressed by our rented-for-an-entire-hour rubber raft, a plastic bucket and shovel, and the hilarious chutzpah of the waves splashing my baby face. Mom said I was like that in '57, too.

The circle of life goes on, indeed. During this visit, my grandniece, one-year-old Madison, entertained her first seaside frolic in the very same surf.

We had successfully coaxed her outside, away from the TV's continuous loop of "The Lion King," which commanded her hallucinogenic attention and silence. Good film, but after listening to "The Lion King" soundtrack's relentless reverberations for a week, I do believe I'm ready to open on Broadway.

Why, I can see my press notices through these wavy lines.... Do I hear a harp? ... I do. I do hear a harp....

"Mike Durrett is the toast of the town, burnt and missing raisins!"

"Mr. Durrett brings new meaning to warthogs -- and, dare we say, warts!"

"Move over Wal-Mart, your small town fat-ass graces our crap now!"

"Love is in the air, say the walk-outs pounding the exits!"

"Disney's 'The Lion King' was never like this before! Mike Durrett would make Max Bialystock proud, but he's supposed to be portraying Pumbaa, not Swedish Ulla."

"Mike Durrett is the most powerful force to hit Broadway since Somnatrol™, Ambiatol™, Somnulin™, Nite-Rite™, Dromias ™, Schiff Knockout Formula™, Doctor's Trust Fall Asleep™, Boericke & Tafel Insomnia Chewable™, Simply Sleep Nighttime Sleep Aid™, and Sominex™! Good night!"

Pop Groin

CHARLESTON, South Carolina -- I have no resistance to the fragrance of fresh, delicious, crisp theatre popcorn, so I bought a box to chomp in the car.

"How much?" I asked, thumbing through my wallet.

"Three-twelve," said the snack bar attendant.

"Three dol--"

"Three hundred-twelve dollars."

"You've got to be kidding!" I exclaimed, handing over the last of our vacation cash and $15 I'd won in a beauty contest.

"You want butter on that?" he mumbled.

"How much?"

"You driving the Dodge?"

I nodded, pointing out the window, "See--"

"Keys."

"...Keys?"

"Si."

"That's ridiculous!" I yelped. "I'm not paying that. What else do you have?"

"Salt."

"...Salt?"

"Si."

"What kind of salt?"

"Sea."

"...Sea?"

"Si."

Long pause. "How mu--"

"Sickening."

I declined the butter and the salt, as we needed the rental vehicle to drive me to the emergency room for a truss. This Kiddie size popcorn is kinda heavy.

"Mr. Durrett," said the doctor, "your x-rays show you have a hernia."

"Hernia?"

"Hee."

"Now, cut that out!"

I woke up groggy. Gee.

The Boat Cave

CHARLESTON, South Carolina -- The city's IMAX movie theatre (pictured, left) is next door to the South Carolina Aquarium. I'm told the building, which also rests on the harbor, was originally a giant shell for housing large boat maintenance. Massive crafts were hauled out of the water and given the once over, much like Anna Nicole Smith after a bath.

Since the average IMAX screen is six stories high and 80-feet wide, the building was perfect for a theatre. Just add seats and furnishings and carve-your-heart-out,-get-some-of-that-spleen,-too pricing and it's showtime!

Several IMAX large format features were playing during our walk-through.

The story of candy man Willy Wonka, "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," didn't appeal to me. I would put on weight watching that movie.

Moreover, I get scared when nuts reach the size of the Hindenburg, covered up in salt granules the size of Nazis. That's just too close to history repeating itself for my mindless entertainment.

Plus, I couldn't face the zits.

When you're looking at an 80-foot pimple enhanced with booming IMAX stereophonic sound, you can also hear the unmistakable fluids sloshing around inside the acne. I don't want to listen to pus tide changes.

I've got Young "Da Snowman" Jeezy on my iPod for that.

The excellent "Batman Begins" was also magnified to humongous spectacle. I'd seen it before in IMAX. I liked the part where Bruce Wayne's daddy went to the drugstore to buy a condom.

"Closed," said the pharmacist.

"Okay, I'll do without," said Mr. Wayne.

"You're making a big mistake," said the pharmacist.

"Oh, yeah," said Mr. Wayne. "It's IMAX."

"The DVD will be out in October," said the pharmacist. "It'll be a tinier mistake then."

And Batfetus begins.

What You See on a Bridge...

What I See...

The horror! The horror!


The black-and-white! The black-and-white!


Oh, well, ain't this just grand?

I'm a stranger in town....

No one will help me....

You can never find a sexopus swatter when you need one....

That thing, there, is gonna give me such a hickey....

It leaked ink on my new shirt....

Charleston bridge photo copyright 2005 Donna Durrett, all rights reserved. "It Came From Beneath the Sea" images, other marks, names, and titles are property of their respective owners.