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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter

I played Hard-Boiled Egg Roulette in my refrigerator today and won! I picked the correct egg. Cracked the shells on Donna's pudding, though.

Steve Martin has joined Twitter. I guess he got, oh oh, Happy Tweet!!! You can use that, Steve. http://twitter.com/STEVEMARTINTOGO

Reading 1970 PEANUTS. The battery has gone out on Snoopy's electric socks. ... *sigh* ... Why wasn't I told of this wondrous invention?

I can tell it has turned cooler. I moved back into my slippers.... I figure by the weekend I'll have to give up the fireflies jar & snorkel.

At #2507, I failed to acknowledge my 2500th tweet. Help yourself to the leftover cake and Beano.

L.A. hits all-time high: 117 degrees. Still not sterile.

Congratulations, Geraldo, celebrating 40 years of moustache nits!

"Sharktopus" is trending on Twitter. Could be a teaching moment. When Sharktopi swallow blood, do they hold out their dainty pinky tentacle?

Actual conversation: My wife informed me the cats are MY children, not hers. I said, "You've had my DNA checked, haven't you?"

Headline: "Man hides stolen earrings in butt." He could face 20 years in prison and "Aw, just keep 'em."

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