Durrett Housewives

I started watching "Desperate Housewives" in March. I figured it's the least I could do since I've been imaginary dating Teri Hatcher.

Yes, I'm married, but it's okay. Everything's okay. My bride is imaginary dating the show's plumber / killer, who also happens to be named Mike and living with Teri's character. It's the circle of wife.

I enjoy "Desperate Housewives" for the humor (and Susan's nightshirt and Gabrielle's amazing jeans).

I get a kick, too, seeing the Universal Studios backlot where they film the episodes. Even with a major structural change and a bushy tree for a disguise in the front yard, you can still recognize the Munsters' house on the street now called Wisteria Lane.

I'm relieved the 50-something Eddie Munster hasn't stalked "Housewives" guest star Bob Newhart with his bubbling beakers of werewolf hair pomade. But there's always next season.

The murders in that neighborhood are puzzling and no one can solve the mysteries. I wonder why they don't simply walk through the neighborhood, only a few doors down, to ask Jessica Fletcher for some help and, perhaps, gumbo.

The Cleavers live on that road, too. Isn't Eddie Haskell a cop these days? He could get right to the heart of the murders -- and push Theodore (Jerry Mathers as "The Beaver") into some pudgy hijinks at the same time.

Unfortunately, we don't seem to have any "Desperate Housewives" in the rural area I inhabit. The closest facsimile I've found is one of the elderly babes greeting customers at the W**-M***.

The bad news is her varicose veins are not pretty.

The good news is she won the Runny Tattoo Contest at the fairgrounds.

She calls her left leg "Spaghetti Sauce on Ed Asner."

Her right leg is entitled: "Sid, You Made the Pants Too Short and Sneezed."

You've heard of "The Field of Dreams?" Her tailbone veins are known as "The Feeled of Drains." She'll let ya, if you plug her sitz bath.

Art lovers come from miles around just to add bubbles.

And maybe a 50-pound bag of Sakrete, police said.