I Got Nuthin'

Consolation Video: "Hollywood Squares" 1970s Naughty Reel via YouTube 

Big Weekend

Big weekend, shepherding an intervention with Justin Bieber on pitfalls of the comb-over. 

Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On International Intimate Apparel Week 

I'm going to need my tortoise suit back. Don't forget the wax snapper lips and turtleneck dickey.

On Snapshots

[Looking at] photos of my high school reunion, taken shortly before they threw me out of the A/V Club and yanked the loop on the back of my shirt.

I missed [out on other events] to attend my high school reunion, however I doubt I would have received the nine noogies.

On Current Events

Friend Ray
It's tough deciding which I care less about, Mel Gibson or Chelsea Clinton gettin' married! Guess I'll flip a coin.

Mike
If it lands on its edge, that means Lindsay Lohan.

On Our Mammoth Southwestern USA Vacation

Friend Jeremy
Glad to see the trip getting some web-site time. I hope Silt wasn't the most interesting place you went...

Mike
Silt, of course, was scintillating, but the other places were cute, too. I'll get around to writing on them. Time's in short supply this week though. Memories of Silt will carry me through. Be Silt my heart....

On Late-Night Television 

Mike
Who exactly is watching POKER AFTER DARK? Huh? TV card games? C'mon, MOONBAT PARCHEESI is much more action-packed.

Friend Mark
Maybe if they had an all-women STRIP POKER AFTER DARK version???

Mike
I prefer to play STRIP YAHTZEE. I never like to hear "no dice."

The Fox and the Cats

ATLANTA, Ga. — Yesterday, I was there at The Fab, working on computer files for several upcoming movie events.

At the end of the afternoon, we pair o' projectionists strolled through the empty auditorium, observing the quiet stage festooned with the trashy set from "Cats," the musical appearing that night in its umpteenth engagement at the theatre.

"Is this the national Broadway tour?" I asked my associate.

"Yes," he said.

"Good grief, this play has to have been on the road for more than 20 years! Are those poor cats using walkers with tinkle bells in 'em?"

Scott kept moving along the aisle through the orchestra seats.

"I bet Rum Tum Tugger is plum plum tuckered," I said. "Do they require orthopedic catnip? I think I smell Tabby Pampers."

"Yes."

"You are rather non-verbal."

"I don't want to be on the Internet."

"Oh."

We passed through the doorway to backstage. The unmistakable aroma of cats was in the air. I took keen interest in the placement of my feet.

"Is this play in English?" I asked.

"Yes."

"I'd come to see it if it were in Kitty."

"You mean, 'Meow, meow, meow?'"

"Sure. I'd like to hear the show in its native tongue, with some vigorous yawns and implausible wild scampering not altered for the locals." I looked at the employees' time clock and punched out.

"Two hours to curtain," said a six-foot-tall cat stirring from a nap near a coil of rope. She flicked out her tongue with the precision of a switchblade and commenced to bathe before us, fluffing her coat and extended leg fur contortioned behind her neck and pointy ears. I was beginning to feel sympathy moist.

Another feline snooped about the Production Office. He wore street attire -- a big, black, rhinestone collar with "SKIMBLESHANKS" on it. I think there may have been a tattoo of The Aristocats in his tramp stamp region.

Amazingly, and absolutely true, he asked if we had a can opener.

Scott produced one, while I wondered, "Doesn't Fancy Feast have pop-tops?"

"Thanks, man," the mouser said, strutting away on two legs. "Down with IAMS!"

His declawed fist #4 was in the air with defiance. Then, I saw it.

A thumb!

Something was not right with these immensely overgrown, poetry-reciting pussycats. I phoned Animal Control, Homeland Security, and Blofeld.

Screen Fest

ATLANTA, Ga. — Stagehands remount and hang the movie screen at the Fox Theatre, days before the continuation of the summer film series.

Due to space demands of the larger Broadway tours to appear here, like the recently concluded "Phantom of the Opera," the vacationing screen, which prefers to hover overhead backstage, is sometimes dismantled and packed under the floorboards between flicks.

As a staff projectionist, I have the same deal. Thanks, my union!

In this photo, a few minutes after our presentation of "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," the crew "flies" the screen up and away, and lowers the movie speakers, which sit on an elevator, to the basement until next time.

All of this is preparation for a live run of the musical with those human-sized "Cats." The stage will be cleared, ready and dreading the forthcoming fur ball mayhem.

And, yes, the orchestra pit will be lined and filled with kitty litter.

'Sabotage!'

I am a movie projectionist.

During "Caddyshack," mysterious technical issues arose. People called me "crazy," but my suspicions were correct....


"Sabotage!" via YouTube

'Caddy' Shock

One thing projectionists hate is for the movie sound to fail unexpectedly. During the "Caddyshack" show, we jumped hurdles in seconds and manually overrode the pesky system when it muted itself.

"What's going on here?" I asked my partner.

"The processor needs to reboot," he said, but I knew better.

GOPHER!!

Big Weekend

On the first evening of the film's release in 1969, 17-year-old me sat in the Fox Theatre's orchestra section to watch "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid." I thought of my strong desire to operate the projectors in this movie palace, Atlanta's largest and finest. It was a personal goal and seemingly uncrackable.

More than four decades later, including 1978, the year I gained entrée, Butch and Sundance and the Fox and I reunited, with me looking on, all comfy from the projection room stool.

Big weekend.