No! No! No! I'll Explain It Again: Drive-In Theatres, Not Drive-In Sign

Date Night Ruined!

That's "INEDIBLE"

The Sweet Smell of Success

What?

There's a market for that?

I'm gonna be rich, I tell ya. RICH!

Head's Update

Re: "Guest of Horror" and "I'm a Good Boy! Such a Good Boy!"

Concerned reader Sally of next door writes:

"Hey, I've been reading about your head injury. Are you healing well? Gee, that's awful."

I am fine, thank you, except every time I blink, I see spots.

Um, wait. That's just me.

I'm gonna need more Porcelana Fade Cream.

Or, perhaps, clothing.

The gash healed fast. I was extremely lucky. No one made me shave my luxurious mane.

(Conditioner, Tuesdays at seven.)

The amount of Mikey blood was more alarming to me than anything else. I thought I was a goner on my way to Hell.

Fortunately, I was wrong. I'll only be relocating to:

Yakov Smirnoff Theatre
Elite Seating, Row 6
470 State Hwy 248
Branson, MO 65616
Please update your address books.

Oh, and repent.

Now!

100 Things to Do Before I Die

1. Not die.
2. Not die.
3. Not die.
4. Not die.
5. Not die.
6. Not die.
7. Not die.
8. Not die.
9. Not die.
10. Not die.
11. Not die.
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13. Not die.
14. Not die.
15. Not die.
16. Not die.
17. Not die.
18. Not die.
19. Not die.
20. Not die.
21. Not die.
22. Not die.
23. Not die.
24. Not die.
25. Not die.
26. Not die.
27. Not die.
28. Not die.
29. Not die.
30. Not die.
31. Not die.
32. Not die.
33. Not die.
34. Not die.
35. Not die.
36. Not die.
37. Not die.
38. Not die.
39. Not die.
40. Not die.
41. Not die.
42. Not die.
43. Not die.
44. Not die.
45. Not die.
46. Not die.
47. Not die.
48. Not die.
49. Not die.
50. Not die.
51. Not die.
52. Not die.
53. Not die.
54. Not die.
55. Not die.
56. Not die.
57. Not die.
58. Not die.
59. Not die.
60. Not die.
61. Not die.
62. Not die.
63. Not die.
64. Not die.
65. Not die.
66. Not die.
67. Not die.
68. Not die.
69. Not die.
70. Not die.
71. Not die.
72. Not die.
73. Not die.
74. Not die.
75. Not die.
76. Not die.
77. Not die.
78. Not die.
79. Not die.
80. Not die.
81. Not die.
82. Not die.
83. Not die.
84. Not die.
85. Not die.
86. Not die.
87. Not die.
88. Spumoni.
89. Not die.
90. Not die.
91. Not die.
92. Not die.
93. Not die.
94. Not die.
95. Not die.
96. Not die.
97. Not die.
98. Not die.
99. Not die.
100. Not die.

Dolby 3-D in Selected Eyeballs

"Dolby Laboratories [and] German virtual reality company Infitec GmbH [are developing] a three-dimensional theater projection system.... The companies hope the venture will bring consumers that entertain themselves at home with DVDs, the Internet and video games back to the theaters." -- All Headline News

Personally, I'm more eager for a Dolby cat box cleaning system. I hope the venture will bring mousers that entertain themselves at home with shoestrings, goldfish, and li'l balls with a tinkly bell inside back to the powder room.

It would need to include surround sand.

Optical Delusion

We had a big day. We took the long road to a faraway multiplex to see "The Ant Bully" in IMAX 3-D and "Monster House" in digital 3-D.

I had mentioned the trip to my buddy, Stan, who is a projectionist in a drive-in theatre. Here's our actual telephone conversation.

"After you go to 'The Ant Bully,' don't you want to come down here and watch 'Monster House' for free?" Stan asked.

"That's very nice," I said, "but you're not showing it in 3-D."

DVDs NOT available in 3-D

"Well," he said, tongue in cheek, "2-D is almost as good."

"Not really," I grumbled, "not the way your management lenses that picture on the screen. The height might be correct, but the width is horribly cropped."

"Okay, 1.7-D."

I'm a Good Boy! Such a Good Boy!

I'm forever indebted to kindly acquaintance Todd, the man who made my head stop gushing blood after the blunt trauma I revealed in "Guest of Horror." He was pleased I responded well to his treatment. It turned out Todd had put in a long service as an assistant in an animal clinic.

After the excitement settled, David, another guest at the party, reassured me on Todd's qualifications. Here's our actual conversation, as best as I can recollect from between the throbs.

"Veterinarians are great," David said. "I went to one to sew me up."

"Really?" I asked, wondering if my brain had been conked out of kilter by the jolt. I didn't realize humans were mended in this manner.

"Yeah, it's the same work," he said, "and they don't charge as much!"

"Did you get a yummy?"

"No. They gave me a little catnip toy to play with."