Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

On the Elections: 

Friend Frank Thompson
Once again, as I've done each year since I got to voting age, I wrote in Ruth Buzzi for every single office. This year it's really gonna happen. I feel it!

Mike
It grieves me to find myself on the opposite end of the political spectrum from you, Frank. I shall continue to write in Tyrone F. Horneigh.

On Identity Theft:

Friend William
Good news - my identity was NOT stolen. Just a sloppy background check service problem.

Mike
Could I steal your identity? I'd really like to be taller.

On the Day After the World Series:

Friend Ray
Can't wait for the World Series to start!

Mike
Can't wait for gum that squirts!

On Television:

Yesterday, on THE JACK BENNY PROGRAM: Guest waitress Iris Adrian takes Don Wilson's order....

IRIS: What about you, Titanic?

DON: Aw, just bring me what I usually have.

IRIS: I can't. The fella who helps me carry it in is off today.

DON: Now, look, Miss, every time I come in here, you make remarks about my size. I'm sure you've seen somebody fatter than me.

IRIS: Yeah. But I had to buy a ticket.

On Nostalgia:

I have reached the point in my life where EVERYTHING is a 50th anniversary and I was there. "Psycho" and "The Bellboy" this summer. Next, the wonderful world of Bedrock, and in January: "One Hundred and One Dalmatians." It was the best time ever to be 8 (I didn't see "Psycho" until 14, but I recall the hoopla). Third grade ruled!

Oh, yeah, "La Dolce Vita." I remember inviting Anita Ekberg to Career Day. She ate my fish sticks in the cafetorium, but "Pollyanna" was more my speed. In those days, I thought of Hayley Mills as leggy.

On the Question:

Friend John
Do you have a fish called Wanda in your aquarium?

Mike
No. I have a cat called Fork.