It's midnight. I'm on the night beat.
Nights like this, it doesn't pay to be hardboiled. Two scrambled. Side of raisin toast. I whine for Mixed Fruit. Okay, Grape's good. Jelly, my beverage of choice.
12:09 a.m. - I check the want ads. 40% want ads. 67% want Olive Garden two-fers with breadstick. 12% like "Hi & Lois" in color.
12:17 a.m. - I'm in no mood for cup of Joe. Nasty. I U-turn outta the urinal, sour faced and never been zipped. I hold it for something to dew later.
12:18 a.m. - I break into the cold outside the diner and wait.
12:43 a.m. - I put a tail on suspicious couple, pulling away from Musso & Frank's. I don't think they spot me as we cruise under the glints of ancient neon along Hollywood Blvd.12:44 a.m. - They floor their sedan, trapping me at the traffic light by the Wax Museum. I hop out and run around my car and dive back in before red turns to green.
12:48 a.m. - Jeepers, this is a long light.
12:49 a.m. - I finger through my loot bag with the last of the Halloween treats. A candy corn. A candy toenail.
12:50 a.m. - GREEN! I'm off!...
1:37 a.m. - There they are! One of those "We Never Close" Aquafina machines, a block due west of Dayton.
1:38 a.m. - I park dark and watch. The moll whiffs my cologne, drops the bottle. Her water breaks. They dosado and allemende left into the front seats of the Volvo, but fast. Some people will never learn "Aquafina originates from public water sources and then is purified through a rigorous, seven-step process called HydRO-7™."
2:22 a.m. - I lose them at the QT near Holly Springs, GA. Shoot, man, I have to gas up -- and cup of Mike.
3:11 a.m. - All is quiet. I newfangle practice newfangled text messaging on newfangled cell phone, forgoing thumbs, using the butt of a 45.
(I lie about my age.)
Exactly. I know how you feel. I hate when others do Norm Crosby's act. That damn Mamie Eisenhower.
4:52 a.m. - Barnaby. Barnaby Durrett. I like it. Maybe when I'm fighting crime at 90.
5:48 a.m. - Scribbled note to self on matchbook cover:
SEE DENTIST RE: NEW FANG. MAYBE A BLING.
6:23 a.m. - I wonder. Is matchbook affectation still impressing chicks? It's a ruse. I never smoke. Cigarettes are dangerous to my arias. Few love a hacking prima donna.
7:14 a.m. - Crawl into bed. Carpet needs raking.
7:15 a.m. - Pat snooze button on cat. I'm out to lunch.
