"Revenge of the Cheerleaders"

Golly, some of the garbage the Starlight shows at its annual Drive-Invasion B-movie marathons is just too snickering awful not to attend.

In 2004, we made the long haul to Atlanta to partake in a revival of the cheesy and teasy "Revenge of the Cheerleaders." I had seen the original, "The Cheerleaders," and always wondered how the epic saga turned out.

I hoped Fredo lived.

"Meet the sex-crazed cheerleaders of Aloha High (Jerri Woods, Patrice Rohmer, Susie Elene, Penthouse Pet Helen Lang and drive-in goddess Cheryl 'Rainbeaux' Smith) who spend their days and nights raising the spirits of the boy's basketball team (including a young David Hasselhoff as the ever-ready 'Boner'). But when the girls discover a plot by the evil developers to condemn their beloved school, they strike back with a plan that includes high-protein breakfast shakes, drug-laden lunches, locker room orgies, giant dinosaurs and a secret weapon for winning the big game. All rules -- and uniforms -- are officially off: This is REVENGE OF THE CHEERLEADERS." --Amazon.com

Not regular dinosaurs, but "giant" dinosaurs T&A. Those kids knew how to party.

Somewhere during the second reel of this horrendous, amateurish mishmash, I tired of tallying exposed jiggly boobs on my laptop abacus.

That statement may be about the best definition of "crummy" ever told.

The mind wandered to other issues, including my sanity. Why was I plopped in a wobbly lawn chair on an asphalt slab at two-twelve in the morning, watching this junk? I could've been home doing a service for society like tweezing the refrigerator.

We've got to clean that thing.

Our old tomatoes aren't stewed. They're downright angry and revolting.

The 1999 broccoli souffle is channeling Salvador Dali.

We no longer forage for food. Instead, we play bonus rounds of "What's My Poultice?"

Sitting outdoors, now counting the actual frocks in "Revenge of the Cheerleaders," too tired to deal in double digits, I also recalled a true anecdote my projectionist buddy, Scott, wrote about this same flick.

"'Revenge of the Cheerleaders' has had a special place in my heart, since the night in 1977 that I noticed on the marquee of the NE Expressway Drive-In [in Atlanta] that we were playing 'Revenage of the Cheerleaders.'

"I knew that [name withheld because I like him] had done the marquee letters, as he always did, and spelling was never one of his favorite hobbies, so I asked him, 'Hey, Glen, what's a "Revenage," anyway?'

"'Aw, it's close enough. ... They know what we mean.'"

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