Do-It-Yourself Drive-In

As much as we enjoy drive-in theatres, Donna and I have had to alter our attendance patterns. Not only are these venues few and far between, but many also operate short of the industry's technical standards and lack adequate customer service.

One otherwise lovely Tennessee drive-in hasn't seen us in years due to their imbecilic staff yokel, who regularly hijacks and ruins the presentations. This obnoxious egomaniac (probably the owner) chit-chats over the sound system from the projection room as the films are in progress, like he's doing play-by-play commentary at a baseball game.

His incessant bumpkin rambling, also known as mental masturbation, is an unacceptable, insulting arrogance whizzed on captive audiences.

Another nearby theatre has such a dim picture on the screen, we no longer refer to it by the business name. I have annointed that place as "The Drive-In Radio."

Add automobile expenses, lackluster programming, cropped images, soft focus, film breaks, inept employees, nasty restrooms, unruly patrons, rampaging brats, drunks, poor sight lines, dangerous drivers, glaring headlights, security insecurities, broken glass, tobacco spittle, weather issues, skeeters, plus inappropriate soundtrack interruptions to plug "funnel cakes: half price" at the refreshment center and, well, drive-in movies are not necessarily a grand evening out.

We still go. We're addicts, nostalgic for better nights, however we've also created a replacement on our own sheltered porch, which currently provides the bulk of our outdoor movie events.

Believe it or not, my three-year-old, 15-inch notebook computer on a table displays a picture superior to any drive-in theatre I've ever attended. I say that as a patron and as a professional, card-carrying projectionist who has spent thousands of hours showing 35mm movies under the stars.

I know a small screen doesn't immediately suggest satisfaction, but in the dark, the mind takes over and one's perspective makes the picture appear as large as it would be in the best parking space at most drive-in theatres.

From comfortable chairs set close by, the effect is startling and impressive. The bright, crisp, colorful images shown in their proper aspect ratios (i.e., shapes) without projector weave, jitter, or flicker are unbeatable, all via precise DVDs.

Our initial feature, the superb American western, "Silverado," actually looked better than my vivid memory of its pristine 70mm indoor presentation during original release.

Yee-haw!

We watch all kinds of movies at our *drive-in,* however the coolest ones have outdoor locations. Our neighborhood crickets, bullfrogs, and rippling creek add the ultimate surround sound effects to many of these experiences. You can't buy "moos" in a commercial theatre, but the random ones I heard from an upstream farm cow during a recent viewing of John Wayne's "Hondo" were exquisite.

We've saved significant money and avoided inconveniences and disappointments by staying home. We no longer sell Donna's organs to purchase Junior Mints and flat colas. The gum on our shoes is our own.

Our only additional expense has been $14 for a pair of stereo speakers. We're contemplating a bug candle.

(Truth be told, a gnat on the screen can look to be the size of a Cessna.)

In every amenity, our porch theatre surpasses actual drive-ins, with the possible exception of first-run titles. I can wait the four months until the DVDs hit the rental store, no sweat. Besides, I'd much rather see the classic color cartoons I play before each feature. Drive-ins dropped those animated mainstays decades ago.

The one item no money-making theatre offers, we've installed in ours. It's the finest innovation since the cupholder, which we also have on the porch seats.

Our secret weapon?

Lap cats, making movies better than ever.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for funnel cake class.

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