More Fall Foliage Photos IN COLOR

Here are several pretty pictures from our place.

Oh, and it is official...


I have turned into my mother.

Bottom Line

An actual conversation with my physician:

Doctor: Anything else?

Mike: Yeah, this is a bit gross and I apologize--

Doctor: That's okay.

Mike: I'm having a little hemorrhoidal situation. I'm not hurting--

Doctor: Okay.

Mike: My question is I bought some ointment and there's a warning on the box that says, "Ask a doctor before use if you are taking a prescription drug for high blood pressure." What about that?

Doctor: Aw, use as much of that stuff as you want.

Mike: I figured so. I thought it might be one of those legal things.

Doctor: They're just covering their ... They're just covering their butt.

And Now, the News...

^{Circulating the Internet, source unknown.}

So, Sewer Me

Pal Astroray writes:

"Subject: I found your Halloween costume

"The perfect side-kick, Ed Norton is waiting for you. Ed's shirt and vest are made of polyester. also included a hat and an IC voice box with famous phrases from the TV show, 'Hello Ball' and more. Buddy up with Ralph Kramden-Bus Driver for something really different. This is an officially licensed The Honeymooners™ product."

Gee, I couldn't make that one on my own. Thank you.

I do like this outfit, though, especially if you think it will make me look 60 pounds lighter.

I don't have a proper hat from the Raccoon Lodge, so I'll just wear Morty.

Dutch and Such

The reaction to my interview with the Netherlands' Web site, Planet.nl, continues to flood in from every far and wide corner of my neighborhood.

School chum Bill writes of the Dutch-to-English translation:

"Ah, those golden memories of the clown of the class and the drang get people to laughing."

The caring Frank sends his regards to the phenomenon:

"Well, I always knew you were popular with the dikes. Hey! Did I just go there? Yes, I went there!"

Frank [Witness Protection Program name] adds further comfort, citing this interview quote from apparently me: "At present I am terrible in my nopjes with the mechanical T.M.X. Elmo headstock, from Sesamstraat."

"I have said that about you so many times. At last, I'm vindicated!"

My young friend Randy, who looks up to me as a benevolent grumbling codger figure, says:

"Dude!

"Way cool!

"Love the translation! =P

"But when, oh when, are you going to include your World Yo-Yo Championship title in your biography!?!? The Dutch love their yo-yos ya know!"

Darn it. I forgot about the yo-yos! Perhaps I can get a follow-up interview. Or save it for Belgium.

One correction: I wasn't the world yo-yo champion. I was the Atlanta yo-yo champion and pretty handy at flinging and stringing them around.

I'm still known in these parts for my prowess. There ain't a store in miles that will let me anywhere near a tampon section.

I Am Now Beloved in the Netherlands

I am happy to announce my interview, "Mike Durrett: de Humor Gids," conducted by Wouter E. Nieuwenhuis of the news portal Planet.nl, has been posted -- in Dutch!

I don't speak Dutch. I am bilingual, however, an English and Baby Talk fellow.

And -- I may have mentioned it before -- I itch fluently in seven languages.

The nice Mr. Nieuwenhuis volunteered to translate my responses into the voice of his land. I had no problem with this method, but I am undergoing a bit of culture shock not knowing how precise my words translate into another language. I mean, I can't even get the guy at McDonalds to hold the croutons on my McFlurry.

Plugging the Dutch article into AltaVista's Babel Fish translator and rendering the text back to English makes for very strange reading, but I am happy to announce I have finally found my epitaph -- and in my own words.

Sort of....

"At present I am terrible in my nopjes with the mechanical T.M.X. Elmo headstock, from Sesamstraat."

Nopjes, of course, is a licorice.

Chew on that.

Fall Foliage Photos IN COLOR

I risked my life, going outside into the yard to snap some shots. I saw no evidence of my evil nemesis, The Black Bear™ -- although our The Welcome Bear™ (lower right) was cordial, as usual.

We pay scale.


Here's a pretty view overlooking the creek (lower right) from our deck, where the snakes come to sun.

There was no dastardly The Black Bear™ to confront when I strolled down to walk along the shore. And no stingray jumped out of the water to pierce my chest with its barb, either. Numbers one and three on My List for a Good Day™.

Two is piping hot dryer lint.

Four: Flip-flops on Mute.


This shady drive borders our property, ending at the creekside. I recommend the oasis to local teenagers to adopt as Lovers Lane.

I'm there most nights operating my Clorets and Sen-Sen Breath Perfume Stand™.

Not to worry, I am security conscious. I do set out warm Listerine and a plate of huckleberry and bee larvae cookies™ for The Black Bear™.

Gosh, I Miss The Big City

This photo only begins to convey the colors from our countryside porch today. It was cloudy at the time, but the world was surprisingly golden this morning.

I emailed the snapshot to my friend. Frank Thompson writes:

"Hey, autumn in North Hollywood is much like that, except instead of yellow and red leaves we have fake-boobed starlets and bums puking in the gutter. Otherwise, identical!"