Raisin Hell

Continued From: "Scooby-Doo Tooth Goo," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

Ewww. People buy this stuff? Carrot and raisin salad?

At school, if we weren't fortunate enough to brown bag lunches from home, we were subjected to the lackadaisical sorceries of the cafeteria staff, which meant we were force-fed the never-ending stream of carrot and raisin salads.

Gross, man, wasn't hip, nor groovy. Just tepid mayonnaise with carrot shavings and rabbity raisins.

In my senior class alone, we had nine boys hold up liquor stores and gas stations to go eat better in prison. One brought his own fork to the line-up, with a signed confession and a drool cup.

On special occasions, the school dietitian sent down orders to prepare the glop backwards. We'd have that new taste sensation: raisin and carrot salad!

Our taste buds did The Twist and The Hully Gully on those days and then it was back to carrots and raisins. Our taste buds went over and sat in the corner because no one asked them to dance.

I haven't touched either recipe since I graduated from high school. It's been decade after decade of uninterrupted bliss, sidestepping carrot and raisin salads.

I figure I need to live and abstain another 6,793 years to have eaten my statistical fair share.

And don't get me started on the beagle pudding....

Continued: "Star Sighting"


Scooby-Doo Tooth Goo

Continued From: "DenturesBob SnaggleTeeth," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

Hey, kids! Clean your teeth after every meal, including Scooby snacks, slurping haunches, and biting fleas!

It's easy! Here's bow-wow how!

1. Brush.
2. Rinse.
3. Don't let potty seat fall on head.

Continued: "Raisin Hell"


DenturesBob SnaggleTeeth

Continued From: "Hard to Swallow," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

I'm a fan of SpongeBob SquarePants, but, c'mon, is this the must-have smile to be recommending a toothpaste?

The guy's a can opener.

Continued: "Scooby-Doo Tooth Goo"


Hard to Swallow

Continued From: "Chomp and Circumstance," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

Fear Factor Pop-ups
Gee, what'll it be? The "Fear Factor" Pop-ups? Or "The View" Repugnant Dishes?

Continued: "DenturesBob SnaggleTeeth"


Chomp and Circumstance

Continued From: "Food for Naught," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

Although Popeye and I currently attend anger management sessions, visit lambkin petting zoos, and hum calming mantras towards a weird beard on an Alp, my recent little spinach incident hasn't tarnished my gratification in discovering such an attractive product.

To be honest, I'm not maximum keen on spinach, but I do like squeezy foods I can eat like this:

Continued: "Hard to Swallow"


Food for Naught

Continued From: "Super-Duper Market," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

Maybe it's my background in the theatre business, but when I see brightly lit signs boasting "GRAND OPENING BANANAS" or "GRAND OPENING RIBEYE STEAKS," stop right there. I'm in and expecting quite a show. I'm expecting celebrities.

I went into that store to be tickled and enthralled by guys and dolls in ostentatious banana suits and magnificent ribeye steak suits.

Or, at least, a Carmen Miranda tribute band. Something.

Sadly, I was disappointed.

Perhaps, I had read the signs wrong.

I went straight to the produce department. The bananas opened the standard way. There was no new haughty method to enter the bananas I could determine.

Well, based on a half dozen attempts, there wasn't.

Then, up the aisle to the meat morgue. I saw not one ribeye steak with a spectacular gaping maw.

The phrase "grand opening" is tossed around frivolously these days or so it seems. What has happened to our culture?

Continued: "Chomp and Circumstance"


Super-Duper Market

Continued From: "Charity Begins at Dome," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

It took nearly one year from the day our small town's ghost Wal-Mart was demolished until the opening of a beautiful new grocery showplace on the same spot. We are thrilled with the fine accomplishment and amenities, plus the quality and selection of our future tummy fulls.

And YESSS!! They've got crap!

Continued: "Food for Naught"
Related: "Another Wal-Mart Bites the Dust and the One Up the Street Just Bites"


Charity Begins at Dome

Continued From: "Dairy Mean," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

I bought some Bald Guyz Head Wipes.

I found 11 out of 16 bare-skinned bubs didn't appreciate the refreshing, random acts of polish.

Several guyz were up front scrappy and knocked over the stepladder.

Lord, give me strength to continue my good work.

Now with a hint of Linalool!

Continued: "Super-Duper Market"


Dairy Mean

Continued From: "Strong to the Finish," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

Leaving the Emergency Room, The Wife® chauffeured me and Swee'Pea to get ice cream, but it took forever.

We pulled into the drive-thru behind a dog -- in the Jeep!

That was ironic, considering I was recovering from a Popeye moment and Popeye the Sailor has his magical dog-like pal named The Jeep.

To make matters worse, after what seemed like an hour of waiting and woofs, the window attendant with the animated arm hand-fed Man's Best Freeloader ice cream!

A Gravy Train Sundae with Moist and Meaty sprinkles, I'm betting, or an Eukanuba Puppy Weaning Parfait.

Hmmph. I got no free ice cream. No valet feeding. No puppet show. Nothing. Not even a "Good boy" or "Howsa fella?"

Then, Donna drove me back to the hospital for my shots and the tick bath.

Continued: "Charity Begins at Dome"


Strong to the Finish

Continued From: "The Circle of Wife," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

I admit I do get testy on long shopping forages and this current one seems like it has lasted weeks.

When I fail to get satisfaction, watch out!

Mike and Popeye Spinach

The photograph -- my shirt changed for the complementary colors and, of course, the ladies -- shows me brandishing Popeye Spinach mere seconds after I discovered the grocery store didn't stock Olive Oyl Oil, Wimpy Fixin's, or Bluto Nuclear Beans.

Pushed far beyond my distant outer limits of genial good-naturedness, I gulped down a shelf of spinach to boost my jumbo strength to one muscle bulge past infinity.

Buffed, I entered into an epic fistfight with the Manager, the Bagger, and a Chip and Dip Samples Hostess over near the luncheon meats with cheddar specks.

I almost won, too, but was carried out after passing a kidney stone the size of Swee'Pea.

Continued: "Dairy Mean"


The Circle of Wife

Continued From: "Fedora Me," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

Donna was interested in buying toe rings, but I put my foot down.

She could get one, not me.

I wanted something manly, bold, like a full set of turtleneck toe dickeys.

Continued: "Strong to the Finish"


Fedora Me

Continued From: "Feed Me," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

I had my mind set on a Hip, Hot & Happenin' Hat, but I couldn't locate one in my size.

I have a Huge, Humid & Humiliatin' Head.

Continued: "The Circle of Wife"


Feed Me

Continued From: "I Stand Corrected," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

Next stop on our grand shopping riot, refreshments!

My wife cut a Tic-Tac in half, doggy-bagging the leftover for "tomorrow's lunch."

I stupor-sized an Oleomargarine Smoothie.

When I regained consciousness, we went looking for more high fashion accessories.

"And," I said, "I might get me some of them defibrillator paddles."

"Stat!" yelled Donna.

Continued: "Fedora Me"


I Stand Corrected

Continued From: "Ear Here," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

Chick'n Jerky Dingo is NOT the sequel to "Beach Blanket Bingo."

My apologies for any inconvenience I may have caused.

Continued: "Feed Me"
Related Confessions: "Back to the 'Beach Party'" | "Sons of a 'Beach Party'" | "Rickles' Beach Parties"


Ear Here

Continued From: "Whiffy Pop," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

Candy Ear Waxcotton swab

Shopping isn't easy. Candy Ear Wax was hard to find, until I used a cotton candy swab as a divining rod.

"I Stand Corrected"


Whiffy Pop

Continued From: "Disney Bites," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

As I selected a package of microwave popcorn off the grocer's shelf, a messenger in a bellhop's cap zipped into my frame of vision, handing me a print-out from the Associated Press.

I tipped him a coupon worth a quarter and he whooshed away.

I read:

"Consumers, not just factory workers, may be in danger from fumes from buttery flavoring in microwave popcorn, according to a warning letter to federal regulators from a doctor at a leading lung research hospital ... [referring] to a potentially fatal disease commonly called popcorn lung that has been the subject of lawsuits by hundreds of workers at food factories exposed to chemicals used for flavoring."

I'd been concerned about the fat and salt content in popcorn, but didn't know of this shocking development. Fortunately, we eat healthy and wise, which means microwaving plain, organic kernels only.

I'm not a fan of the imitation taste, preferring to melt and add three or four tubs of butter to a bowl myself.

Sometimes I'll just munch on a stick of butter and forget popcorn all together.

Continued: "Ear Here"
Related Confessions: "Pop Groin" | "Pop Go the Weasels"


Disney Bites

Continued From: "Rats," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

Shopping for morsels for our Morty, we noticed Disney has devised another way to squeeze a buck. The company is marketing its own celebrities' endorsed pet chows.

Yum, That Darn Cat food to make kitties mischievous and Old Yeller dog cuisine to ensure a pup thrives until his excruciatingly emotional demise, I reckon.

Hey, Walt Vault, don't forget us humans!

How about Beauty and the Feasts, Seven Dwarfs Seven-Course Dinners (snack size, of course), Flavored Flubber (The Goo That Chews), Swiss Cheese Family Robinson, and Dumbo Gumbo?

Continued: "Whiffy Pop"



Continued From: "Doggone," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

In the critter aisle at the supermarket, dogs and cats rule, but those treats for your pet mouse and pet fly really suck.

Continued: "Disney Bites"



Continued From: "Boogie Like an Egyptian," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

Sometimes, while shopping, I wish I had a dog, so I could experience a world with cute treats like Vanilla Woofers, Pup-Peroni, Yummy Chummies, or Snausages Fortune Snookies.

But I come to my senses, telling myself to grow up and act my age.

Mature and dignified, I adjust my velveteen cravat and contempo monocle, as I push the handcart of Yikes! and Eeeks! to check-out for kitty.



Boogie Like an Egyptian

Continued From: "Scratch 'n' Spiff," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

New Testament on Audio CD
There were no "Old Testament" CDs for sale. What a disappointment. I'm a big fan of the Moses-gown Sound.

All those songs, Smokey Merneptah and the Miracles, great.

And, of course, my favorite "Old Testament" solid gold, "Li'l Red Riding Hood" and "Wooly Bully" by Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs.

Continued: "Doggone"


Scratch 'n' Spiff

Continued From: "With Love One the You're," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

Garfield Hand Sanitizer
For That Cat Box Paw-Lickin' Freshness!

Continued: "Boogie Like an Egyptian"


With Love One the You're

Continued From: "Oompah-pah Pah Pants and Oo La La!," part of a thread starting with "Cents and Sensibility."

I'm not sure what this gadget is, but I just had to have one. I think it's some sort of birth control device for dyslexics.

Continued: "Scratch 'n' Spiff"
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