"King" Wrong

A drive-in theatre I frequent is showing "King Kong" on one screen. The movie clocks in at three hours and seven minutes. Unfortunately, the projection system in use cannot accommodate programs of that length without interrupting the presentation for a few minutes while the only machine is reloaded with the excess footage.

The drive-in plays "King Kong" twice each night at 7:15 and 10:35, but their Web site also lists "8:50" and "12:10." They've published the starting times for their arbitrary Part Two of the movie, which shouldn't be advertised. Failing to note any explanation of such times, unsuspecting customers could arrive in the middle of "Kong" anticipating they'll see the epic from the beginning. Nope, at 90 minutes into the picture, they'll find themselves well underway amidst the Skull Island terrors, headed into the New York City conclusion.

Since the drive-in has now established itself to be a provider of esoteric showtimes, I've considered making a phone call for some specialized information....

Voice: Good evening, Drive-In.

Mike: Hi, uh, do you have that new Jim Carrey movie?

Voice: Yessir, "Fun With Dick and Jane" is on a double feature with "Cheaper by the Dozen 2."

Mike: Oh, good. Been wanting to see those. Listen, we don't much care about Jane. When should we come for Dick? We only want to have "Fun with Dick."

Voice: (silence)

Mike: And, later, during ''Cheaper by the Dozen 2,'' we'll be going for snacks and to the restroom, you know. Maybe some necking. What are the screen times for Children #3, #7, and #12? I gotta tell ya, numbers 11, 8, and 6 sucked in that first one....


Hero Worship

Frank Thompson in Hollywood, USA writes to me.

Yes, I live in a magical land. Today I was sitting outside a Whole Foods with my lunch sandwich, waiting for some co-workers to get through the check-out line when some total stranger walked up to me and said, "Mr. T." I thought he knew me (people often called my father and mother "Mr. and Mrs. T.") so I said, "Hey, how's it goin'?" Of course, I had absolutely no idea who he was, but that's not that unusual for me.

Then I got up and walked around the corner and, you guessed it -- there was Charlie Sheen.

Mr. T gives you one of these.Naw, I'm jerking your chain. It was Mr. T. His car was in the garage of a Mobil station. And in order to remain incognito, he wore a felt hat over his mohawk and only wore a couple dozen gold chains over his jogging suit.

Coming hard on the heels of our Christmas week sighting of the Captain and Tennille here at the Galleria, well, you can imagine how star-studded I currently feel.

I replied, because I am ever-so-polite.

Amazing story, Frank. Add that to the fact I was talking to [mutual Randy] Randy on the phone when your email arrived. We were talking about: (hold onto something) Mr. T.

Of course, Randy and I often talk about Mr. T. I dunno why, other than I am helluva tough with muscle-toned disdain for the jibba jabba, too, foo.

Captain, Cap, and TennilleI also had a quasi-Captain and Tennille sighting Christmas week. The TV was on in the living room with the sound off when I happened to walk by and there was Toni and The Hat on a news channel performing a kiddie song from their new hip-hop album or something. I could visualize the delighted children gazing at Nickelodeon.

As it so happens, after those Chuck Norris facts you enlightened me with recently, I discovered the Chuck Norris Random Fact Generator which has become an Internet sensation its own self. (I wrote about it here.)

  • Chuck Norris getting around to a roundhouse kick.Chuck Norris can eat not just six Saltine crackers in a minute, but six sleeves of them. Remarkably, this ability has nothing to do with roundhouse kicks; he just loves eating crackers.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason Cap'n Crunch's eyebrows are on his hat.
  • When Chuck Norris helps you jumpstart your car, remember: beard is positive, fist is negative.

And! There is also a Mr. T Random Fact Generator.

  • Mr. T holds the copyright on the letter "T." Every time the letter appears in print, Mr. T receives a check in the mail for $13.50.
  • Contrary to popular belief, the original lyrics to the "Hallelujah Chorus" in Handel's "Messiah" were "...Mr. T shall pity forever and ever ... Jibba Jabba Jibba Jabba."
  • In 1989 Mr. T filmed a pilot episode of "Mr. T's Dance Party". There were no survivors.
  • Before Mr. T started wearing all that gold, he wore a 1200-mile stretch of The Great Wall of China around his neck.
  • When Mr. T goes to Denny's he doesn't eat the lumberjack slam. He eats a lumberjack.

Monsieur D

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