Aging Bull

I made a conscious decision during high school to avoid becoming an old fogey as I advanced through life. I didn't and don't want to be one of those boring coots who drool, whine, and brag, "When I was your age," etc.

Attitudinally, I've repelled the geezer machine, but society does prove me wrong, surprisingly, making me yearn for the actual crappy pop culture of my youth over the present extreme loss of innocence and civility. What's the matter with kids today?

"Teenage Caveman" (1958)

"Teenage Millionaire" (1961)

"Teenage Dirtbag" (2009)



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I know it's going to be a great day when I step out of a warm, cleansing shower into cat vomit.
[Jan. 21:] Enjoying the Christmas tree lights. ... No, I did not get a memo. ... What memo?...
Pinto Colvig. I just wanted to be the first today to mention Pinto Colvig.
Down the road, there's white smoke coming out of the chicken house. I think they just elected their new Peep.
I never know what to say when people marry. I'm told "Congratulations!" is bad form & "Good luck!" is improper, so I just say, "Come again."
@factlets sez: "The average UK woman applies 515 chemicals to her body daily." ... Big deal. I do that with one Cheeto.
Pal Frank Thompson sez: "Happy birthday to Robert E. Lee... a great general and a great man. And don't worry Mr. Lee -- 203 is the new 185."
I may have erectile dysfunction. My penis just held up a liquor store.
Paul Reubens approached Johnny Depp to play Pee-wee Herman. What could go wrong? Let's ask Rosie O'Donnell as Betty Rubble.
Putting my life back together after the recent cabin fever. It's hard finding an interior decorator who has Crazy Glue & a psychiatry degree.

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Fab Cab

Near the end of the first act of the road tour of "Radio City Christmas Spectacular," The Rockettes arrive on stage in a taxi. It's the cute old gag where 18 ladies climb out of the back seat of a tiny vehicle.

To accomplish the bit, an unwieldy yellow prop *car*, a large wooden box powered by a scooter, must roll out from the wing and hit a specific mark at a specific moment without fail. Sounds simple, but it didn't work well during rehearsals. To rectify the problem, a long-time driver, Pat the Prop Man, was called back into chauffeur duty.

His accuracy was impressive. So much so, I'd stop my routine in the projection room to watch for Pat's entrance during each performance at The Fabulous Fox in Atlanta.

At the end of the engagement when we said our good-byes, I paid him the ultimate compliment, "You give good cab."

He was caught off guard, but the praise made his face beam. I can spread Christmas cheer, too.

Pat has *driven* the taxi for many years. Even though it's just a minute during a show, he's spent so much time inside the vehicle, he customized the car to make it feel homey.

Notice the bobbleheads on the dash. I especially enjoyed the Santa Claus doing the hula!


Happy Hump Day 3

Maybe I'll be fortunate to work another round on the Atlanta crew of "Radio City Christmas Spectacular," if The Rockettes and company pass this way again. Participating in 35 official performances, plus days and nights of rehearsals at the Fox during November and December, I accumulated numerous pleasures from the show.

The top smile followed every grand finale, wherein packed crowds witnessed scores of players recreate the processional to welcome Christ into our world. "The Living Nativity" is a stirring scene, reenacted with much reverence and flair.

The instant the curtain dropped and while the audiences continued to applaud with enthusiasm, the work lights were quickly restored backstage. First order of business was to escort the donkey and multiple sheep to their nearby tent outdoors. Only after the livestock galloped away, stage left, was the human cast released to the wings and dressing rooms.

Waiting patiently, the production's biggest stars exited last, escorted by their personal entourage.

I loved to hear the handlers shout, "Camel coming through! Camel coming through!"

That tickled me so much, as it's also my favorite line from the Bible, trailed by, "See you around, Baby Jesus. We're going for hay."


Big Weekend

Big weekend, lounging around the pump down at the Walmart, watching the Gas Station Television Network. This ain't your hotrod daddy's Fuel TV.

Gee, it's swell. Grander than anything on our cable. Documentaries on additives and special announcements about additives. I tell ya, I was informed, entertained, and, might I additive, thoroughly lubed.

Oh, not everything GSTV showed was educational and economical fuel for thought.

Saturday night, we arrived early, got us a good parking space (Pump #7, overlooking the trash barrel and the torn squeegee), munched some Peanut Planks, and tuned into Sheriff Andy and Deputy Barney going down to the gas station for a bottle of pop.

The program was utterly inspirational. I walked over to the Coca-Cola cooler -- that's right -- for a bottle of pop.

I have handlers. They coach me on stuff like that. Most brilliant minds in the business, working for me. I would have missed out on a fine bottle of pop.

Sunday, we returned, did some tailgating, checked the oil, and watched the exciting sequel. Matlock and sidekick Don Knotts going down to the gas station for a bottle of pop.

I walked over to the Coca-Cola cooler -- that's right -- for a bottle of pop!

And I thought to do so all by myself. I give my handlers Sundays off, their day of rest. I may need them today to coach me through Uncle Miltie's "Texaco Star Theatre."

Getting thirsty.

Every car lined up behind me is honking approval!


Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Hulk Snorkel

I might get invited to a pool party in The Incredible Hulk's navel.

And I would need this, an authorized Hulk Snorkel.

You see and you know.

He's actually quite big.

I would be swimming and might go under and need some air. The Hulk, having an enormous belly button, lotsa water, strong currents, would necessitate a Hulk Snorkel such as this one.

Big man, good family freak, but a Hulk Snorkel might be in order, if I were to be invited to a pool party in his navel.

I'm going to walk outside and check my mailbox for an invitation.

Very large swimming area on a savage like Hulk. Big chap. Big water. Snorkel-ready, be I.

Hulk Snorkel. Large, large navel. Wide. Substantial.


Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Batman Utensil Kit

Some people play with their food. I fight crime when I eat.

While I'd never spoon with the Joker, I would like to fork Catwoman.


Big Weekend

Big weekend, time traveling.

Growing up, the Plaza Theatre in Atlanta was the third closest movie house to my house, although, at a vast geographical distance of two miles yonder, my mother would seldom drive me over there to the other side of the globe.

Sunday, my wife and I motored more than 160 miles to attend the 70th anniversary celebration at the Plaza.

Take that, Mom!

The theatre opened for business on Dec. 15, 1939. To mark the seven intervening decades of flicks, a few classics from Hollywood's golden year are being unspooled. You may have heard of several of them. How do you say "The Wizard of Oz" and "Gone With the Wind"?

"Gulliver's Travels" (1939) Trailer via YouTube

We watched "Gulliver's Travels," the second full-length animated feature film ever released, following "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs." Brothers Max and Dave Fleischer, the able competitors of Walt Disney, crafted this musical comedy while producing their clever Popeye the Sailor cartoons for Paramount.

"Gulliver's," of course, is the tale of a "giant" held prisoner and walked over by tiny Lilliputians.

I know the feeling. Darn cats.

"Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" (1939) Trailer via YouTube

We also saw Frank Capra's inspirational "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" with the remarkable James Stewart as an idealistic young patriot thrust into the United States Senate and a dire battle against political corruption.

This superlative picture is as timely (sadly) and powerful today as it was multiple generations ago.

Where are our Jefferson Smiths?



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Snowbound, Day 3: So far, Cabin Fever has eluded me, but I am beginning to suffer symptoms of Cabin Heartbreak of Psoriasis.
Snowbound, Day 4: I have Cabin Fever. Telltale sign: Non-stop CABIN BOY on a loop, me never tiring of "fancy lads" and I wanna buy a monkey.
Snowbound, Day 5: Designing more signature fragrances, such as Britney Spears Malarkey & Britney Spears Time to Rehire the Personal Trainer.
Snowbound, Day 6: Finished digging raging moat around house, renamed it SPECTRE Island. Put on Blofeld bald cap and painted the cat white.
Snowbound, Day 7: My nightmare is over! The roads melted and I finally managed to get to the store. Bought some ice.
You can't make these people up who say, "You can't make this stuff up."
I cannot afford a sidekick, so I've added "and Leslie Uggams" to my signature.
I rewatched MONSTERS VS. ALIENS when I was alert & I did like it a lot. MONSTERS VS. ALIENS vs. caffeine is the secret weapon, Earth people.
I have found my voice as a writer, although my music texts are ghosted by Marni Nixon.
Attention Fans! I'll be trying out a new pen name: Sharpie Waterman Durrett.

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Off the Wall

Saving Facebook: My Confessions: 

[Over the holidays], I was standing by in the booth to run "A Christmas Story" via the digital cinema projector at the Fox Theatre in Atlanta. It was part of a live variety show involving numerous crew members taking cues over the same intercom line. My mic was off as I sat in a chair, waiting and nursing a massive, gooey head cold. Due to a fluke with my giant stomach inadvertantly engaging the audio pack button on my belt when I jostled around to sneeze, I heard four "Bless yous!"

Rodney, the sound guy, said, "And thanks for going on headsets to share."

'Twas festive.

I AM IN THE SOUTH! All's better, though. It warmed up by 35% or more to 15 degrees last night! I'm looking for my fireflies jar and flip-flops....

I found this tiny newspaper ad for the Emory Theatre, my childhood employer and oasis. It's for the 1948 run of "Three Daring Daughters" with Jeanette MacDonald, Jose Iturbi, and Jane Powell. If you've ever seen Jose Iturbi, he would have been an ugly -- but daring! -- daughter.

On Learning My Native American Name: "It's Heammawihio, meaning wise one above."
Well, that was close. I guessed Hemophilliac or Kwazy Clots.

Ad courtesy of Dennis Whitefield on Flickr


Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Santa Pimp Hat

I didn't even get a Bad Mutha Elf Fur Bucket Chapeau.

And where are my Blitzen Platform Hooves?


Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Spirit Fingers

I am desperate for a set of Spirit Fingers, so they can levitate around the house and point out the poltergeists.


Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Pet Salon

I submitted a request for Santa to bring me this Pet Salon, so I could make it Exhibit A in a class action suit.

First of all, children are not pets. Food beggars and fetchers, and overly odorly humid, yes, but not pets.

How cruel is this alleged toy? "Twist 'n fold!" That's got to smart the pups peeps and leave a mark.

And, no, I will not scratch behind urchin ears and rub tummies to make them feel better.

What's this? "Pop up set up?"

Huh? Wallop a kid off the ground, followed by a "set up?" A stiff drink might be acceptable for a punched adult, but not tykes.

Finally, the phrase, "makeovers for all your furry friends," is insensitive, whether or not you jelly wipe the beasts brats and pluck 'em a vigorous tweeze.

Thanks, though, to forgetful Santa Claus. For every time he failed to deliver Pet Salon, three kids won't have fits.


'Meet the Neighborhood -or- Getting to Snow You - Stuff I'm Too Lazy to Go Type Up #4'

Residing in the sunny south, specifically Georgia, means one thing for certain. Folks go ape over snow accumulations of any insignificance and one-half inch or more is stunning.

Well, we go ape after going bats, first raiding the store shelves of milk and toilet paper, as if Armageddon were trick-or-treating on our doorsteps.

So, from home and into the woods, with rare delight and a couple of rolls of Charmin (Ooo, quilted!), let's slide with the camera down the sleet, through the courtesy of Mike's two feet.

''Stuff I'm Too Lazy to Go Type Up #4: Meet the Neighborhood -or- Getting to Snow You'' via YouTube

Snow be purty.


Big Weekend

Big weekend, battling nature.

A water pipe froze at the house during a savage cold spell.

Enter trusty hero: my Snoopy hair dryer.

Snoopy has saved us from broken pipes on several occasions by simply blowing hot air out of his nose onto the affected area. Our recent struggle, shown in these dramatic reenactments, took 40 minutes in the dark of night to turn pipe ice into flowing water. For comparison, similar frozen plumbing dilemmas have thawed in 20 minutes or less.

One contributing factor to the problem, we suspect, is a lack of wall insulation. I haven't looked inside because I am wary of the the teeming ecosystem of homesteading spiders, who are huge and mean, sporting brass knuckles and tattoos of the shrews from "The View."

The spiders also high eight me and point and giggle.

And don't get me started on their dorm mixers.

I drip the pipes with diligence throughout the winter to avoid this very situation. Nevertheless, surprises do occur, thrusting me outside into the frigid weather for long stints assisting Snoopy in his toasty magic, while worrying about area burly bears queuing up behind me for a drink and chaser from the faucet and my aorta. (Shake well before enjoying.)

That's a scenario causing me valid concern, when coupled with the nearby Lucy Van Pelt Weedwacker, telegraphing, "YOU BLOCKHEAD!" in my direction.



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I have abandoned becoming an underwear bomber. It's an absolute horror. They were out of Elmo, Garfield, and Snoopy.
Jan. 1, 8:33 a.m. -- Broke my New Year's Resolution: "Do Not Eat." Downhill from here....
Slow down. Chinese New Year doesn't begin until Feb. 14, The Year of the Tom Bosley.
Only two days in and 2010 feels very similar to 1954, although without the diapers and this time I'm going willingly to the nap.
Already 3 days into 2010 & I've yet to use the words "Teaberry Gum," "poodle skirt," "with a drop of Retsin" & "Allen Ludden." I'm slipping.
Cold? I'm thinking about 5 pairs of socks. One for each toe.
Enjoying the coldest winter in 25 years, rocking by the fire, knitting Global Warming some booties...
Deep freeze. Meanwhile, my car trunk is full of kitty litter I can't get to the county dump. *sigh* ... Global pooping.
While I could never be an underwear bomber, I might be a swangin' trendy thong bomber. You know, something for the ladies.
My clones, Lester and Connie, only shop at two-for-one sales.

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Elvis Presley Sings 'Rawhide,' 'The Brady Bunch,' and 'The Flintstones'

Yesterday would have been Elvis Presley's 75th birthday. I've always had a special place for Elvis in my heart and, certainly, my epiglottis and the fatty foods aisle of my stomach.

While I adore the music and several of the films, I have a deep affinity for his TV work.

Elvis Presley: "Rawhide" via YouTube

Elvis Presley: "The Brady Bunch" via YouTube

Elvis Presley: "The Flintstones" via YouTube


Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: BOD Man: His Sexiest Musks

Being a completist and that I so much enjoyed Benjamin Franklin's His Sexiest Muskets, I asked for this item, although I'm not certain if Santa's neglect upsets me or not.

Let me get this straight. I am the BOD Man, right?

I don't want some other guy's three sexiest musks. I want my very own three sexiest musks. Otherwise:



Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Scatterpillar Scramble

I know nothing about it, frankly, but I am glad Santa didn't bring me a Scatterpillar Scramble. Sounds like a bad Cracker Barrel omelet.


Gifts Senior Moment Santa Forgot to Bring Me: Snuggies for Dogs

We don't have mutts, but I need something to keep my pinkies and pals cozy when I'm hand modeling.

(Not to mention my entourage wrists.)


Big Weekend

Big weekend, winterizing.

Eleven degrees!

When it's this cold, I insist on dripping all of the pipes. My wife insists on puppy padding my mattress.

Who could sleep? I was up all night Deep Heat Rubbing the brass monkey.

I hate this weather, but thanks for me being named Belle of the Ball.


'It's a Gift': W.C. Fields and Mr. Muckle

I could not believe my eyes the first time I viewed the grocery store sequence from one of the quintessential W.C. Fields comedies, "It's a Gift" (1934). I found Fields and this material to be fearlessly funny, while breathtaking in that the piece actually made it to the screen.

Order up some kumquats and watch out for Mr. Muckle....

W.C. Fields and Mr. Muckle in "It's a Gift" via YouTube


Double Feature Kitties: 'Surprised Kitty' and 'Tickled Kitty'

Morty at the Movies with Morty the CatMy cat has been enjoying the "Surprised Kitty" movie, also known as "Tickled Kitty," in a sadistic way, being that Morty is ticklish himself. Additionally, he's starting to feel the debilitating, mentally cruel effects of ageism, which darkens his perceptive sense of humor and stance amidst the genteel.

He's also been watching the obligatory Hollywood remake, but doesn't much care for politically incorrect stereotypical satire from another species.

"Surprised Kitty" via YouTube

Don Lake as "Tickled Kitty" via "The Bonnie Hunt Show" and YouTube

Thanks to David Young
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