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My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less
I know it's going to be a great day when I step out of a warm, cleansing shower into cat vomit.
[Jan. 21:] Enjoying the Christmas tree lights. ... No, I did not get a memo. ... What memo?...
Pinto Colvig. I just wanted to be the first today to mention Pinto Colvig.
Down the road, there's white smoke coming out of the chicken house. I think they just elected their new Peep.
I never know what to say when people marry. I'm told "Congratulations!" is bad form & "Good luck!" is improper, so I just say, "Come again."
@factlets sez: "The average UK woman applies 515 chemicals to her body daily." ... Big deal. I do that with one Cheeto.
Pal Frank Thompson sez: "Happy birthday to Robert E. Lee... a great general and a great man. And don't worry Mr. Lee -- 203 is the new 185."
I may have erectile dysfunction. My penis just held up a liquor store.
Paul Reubens approached Johnny Depp to play Pee-wee Herman. What could go wrong? Let's ask Rosie O'Donnell as Betty Rubble.
Putting my life back together after the recent cabin fever. It's hard finding an interior decorator who has Crazy Glue & a psychiatry degree.

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