What the Heck Was I Thinking?

Actual Messages I Wrote, Forgot, Then Found While Cleaning Out My Email Folders


I'll go, but renting a car for three weeks (or more), gas, PEZ, and all those motels will add up.


He is not my daddy!

Who my daddy?

I'm my daddy!


Yipe. That woke me up.

I'm rethinking the beard and nose hair trimmer.


How My Thanksgiving Day Was Ruined Beyond Despair

We all had a lovely Thanksgiving feast and, afterward, I was reminded of a recent revelation which had put me on the path to changing my life for better health and mental pleasure. Apparently, Flintstones Vitamins are not only good supplements for growing girls and boys, but also they're ideal for adults.

Yeehah! Time has not passed me by! All I need to do is visit a drug counter and acquire the pills shaped like beloved animated television stars ("The Leading Brand Moms Trust and Kids Love").

I have never ingested a Flintstones Vitamin, never. Being a first generation fan of the original prime time broadcasts of Bedrock, I've eagerly anticipated englutting me some Rubbles.

My mother refused to purchase these miracle cartoon pills when I was a child. She was skeptical of Stone Age medical practices.

I could not alter her perception, so, instead, I grew up fortified on The Untouchables Multiple Vitamins ("The Leading Brand Molls Trust and Gangsters Loot").

Mom had no trouble getting me to touch The Untouchables. All she had to do was mention a prohibition against the nutrients, so, of course, I'd sneak off and down a daily dose with a large slurp of counterfeit milk and a flapper named "Three-Fingers Flopsy" (who broke my heart -- and seven fingers).

Yesterday, following dessert, I picked up a bottle of Flintstones I found in the happy kitchen of my mother-in-law. There, the ingredient "gelatin" jumped off the vitamins' label and jolted me into the 21st century, much like I had been suddenly pummeled to the ground by Dino, the dinosaur.

"Oh, Fred," I said.

I heard that someplace and it seemed appropriate.

I cannot consume gelatin. I'm not allowed. I'm a vegetarian. Gelatin is made from animal hooves, leftover critter skins, and highlights from Rosie O'Donnell variety specials.

What a crushing disappointment. Did you notice my lips?

What had once promised to be exquisite is now disaster and unrequited.

I shan't ever chew on Wilma.


Why We Are Thankful

First, an impromptu production number ensued and then something massively fungal and pandemic occurred at the nearby campus. It happens every Autumnal Hop and Frolic.

The students are all sequestered in the gymnasium, awaiting podiatrists and algebra assignments and special lyric ballads, police said.

The general community at large is believed to be safe. National Guard officials credit volunteer thwarters of a feared outbreak of crunk.

Thank you, Homeland Security. Take some time for remedial spelling. You've earned it. See Miss Landers in Room 12.


I Got Nuthin'

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Art Fern's Tea Time Movie

"The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" (1989)
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I Got Nuthin'

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Actual Letters to Mike Durrett
A Randy Stewart of a metropolitan Atlanta, Georgia writes to warn the new Daniel Craig motion picture, "Quantum of Solace," begins exactly where "Casino Royale" leaves off. He insists a viewing is in order before heading out to the theatre for part two.

I comply and respond:

We've rewatched "Casino Royale." We're up to speed on Jimmy Bond and Mata Hari Bond.

A Randy Stewart of a metropolitan Atlanta, Georgia, possibly the same combo, writes:

In honor of "Quantum of Solace," I think you should star in the next 007 movie.

Taking a hint from your previous theatrical billing, it could be called, "The Man with the Golden Weenie."

I had been a contributor of special material to the performers' publication, "The Electric Weenie."

My response:

Thank you for your interest. "The Man With the Golden Twinkie" might be the more appropriate title, or, perhaps, [in an allusion to creamy snack cake filling] the less product-placed, "Siphoned, Not Spurt."

I had appeared in Mr. Stewart's award-winning film, "101 Facts From the Book of Twinkie Knowledge."

Continuing my measured discourse:

I may have to pass on "Dr. Node," "Blunderball," "From Russia With AAA Rayovacs," and "Pullfinger."

A Bob Walker of a Kansas writes:

How are you? I've got a big weekend planned. I'm gonna load up my Water Pik and drown roaches.

No, actually, I'm gonna watch repeats of "My Name Is Earl" for fashion tips.

NO, really, folks, I'm going down to the Quick Shop and point at the dogs that are done.

A me of a wherever replies:

My weekend?

I'll be shaving. Fess Parker mistook me for his hat.

Since my throat is sore and my epiglottis is wrinkly, I'll be dunking cough drops in Preparation H.

And there's our party for the neighborhood mutts to show-off the new punch toilet bowl.

May your blood pressure pop your hair plugs.

That Bob Walker of that Kansas writes:

Why is Fess Parker's name funny? HA HA.

May Moms Mabley gum your breakfast nook.

That me of there writes:

May Joe the Plumber snake your juice box.

A Bob Walker finds time in his busy Kansas day to write:

May Snooky Lanson splatter walnuts in your pie hole.

May Betty White only appear to you as Betty Eggshell White, or, I'm feeling generous, Betty Mauve.


I Got Nuthin'

I yield to Morty. Morty's got somethin'!

He's been bird-watching again.

Morty at the Movies

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Road Age

I've long felt we unleash drivers at too early an age. Young people are not safely equipped to handle the demands and uncertainties of massive speeding vehicles and modern traffic situations, especially when you consider the human brain is not fully developed until age 25.

I was professional driving schooled and licensed at 17. I should not have been driving until 18 or 19, if then. I was never a wild operator, but I made foolish mistakes and, fortunately, survived the errors of my highways.

That said, this kid did a nice job on the parking. I'll give him that.


I Got Nuthin'

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100 Things About Me #161

Total, um, Recall
My mind is not as quick on the retrievals as it once was. I know I know a name, but can't grasp it.

Then, all of a sudden, "Oh yeah, Mom!"

100 Things: #1 | Previous | Next



My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less

I got my first medical alert bracelet. Some of them caution "Diabetes" or "Coumadin." Mine says "Raisinets."

Just in: "Pope meets with Muslim scholars, urges better ties." Might I suggest some nice pocket squares & Gillette® The Best a Man Can Get™?

I guess you've heard, Paris Hilton was not elected President of the United States. She was going to lower necklines & raise hell. No Change.

The robocalls have stopped! No more: "Hello, this is Franklin D. Roosevelt, calling from beyond the grave for my good friend, Barack Obama."

Citgo gas fell half to $1.99 per gallon. It's like a 2-for-1 sale. Buy one gallon, get 2nd gallon free! C'mon, throw in a Hugo Chávez plush.

Sen. John McCain is coming, but I'll pass. The entire event is only an hour, so he won't be able to say much or sing his Streisand medley.

News item: "Man assaults girlfriend for opening his Vienna Sausages." Ahh, The Curse of the Little Wieners.

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I've Heard the Whispers

We don't stay young forever, but I'm working on it, following fashions and making hunky.

Yes, I have had some work done.

I got an eye tuck, floss space, highlights, extensions, and a dome-over.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

(PiZap via About Web Humor)


What the Heck Was I Thinking?

Actual Messages I Wrote, Forgot, Then Found While Cleaning Out My Email Folders


I am not on Facebook that I remember, so I can't invite either of you to be my "friend." You do, of course, have open invitations to be my "yard boy." There's a rake behind the shed.


Here's my address for our postmaster and her toothless, inbred brood -- and mutt, Fifi Joe:

Mike Durrett
[Address withheld]

We're in the market for new cell phones, too. We're looking for one that plays "Mike Stokey's Pantomime Quiz."

Thank you and have a Dippity Doo night.



You know, I was raised by wolves with wax lips.


I Got Nuthin'

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Way Way Way Way Way Out West

Morty at the Movies with Morty the CatMorty shares my love of westerns. What we enjoy most about them are the rugged vistas, the animals, and the sense of adventure.

Plus, jail cells, we like the jail scenes. There's often food.

Morty is especially fascinated by the horses. They are strange to him, much like robots are to me, since I have never met a robot, although I did briefly date a pastry squirter squirter.

Likewise, Morty has never seen an actual horse in the flesh. (He eats seafood, not dog food.)

For today's movie, Morty has uncovered a contemporary western. He says "Katt och Häst" has got it all: a horse and romance -- and, not that he needs to impress you, it's a foreign film.

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Actual Letters to Mike Durrett
A Bob Walker of a Hutchinson, Kansas writes:

"I put nose drops in my ear. Now I can hear my cologne."

That happened to me, except I put ear drops in my nostril. I smelled mites and a pair of old muffs.

The sounds of silence gave whiffs oscillating from narrow streets of cobblestone to the cold and damp.

An Astroray of an Atlanta, Georgia writes:

"I've got one word for all of you, shoplift.

"Thank you and goodnight!"

Thank you for the advice. There is something to be said for-- HEY, WHERE'S MY WALLET?

Darn e-thefts. Enjoy the photo of Bob Cummings.

A Frank of a Burbank writes on the passing of author Studs Terkel:

"I'm sad that I've now missed my chance to talk with him about 'Studs' Place,' his TV show from the early 50s. As far as I know, besides 'Kukla, Fran and Ollie,' it was the only completely improvised show on TV."

I never saw "Studs' Place." Our crummy TV only got "Gelding's Place." It was pretty scary. I remember the talking horse, Mr. Edna. Mom said he was nuts.

Photo credit: LetterJames.com


Hot Dog Sign

I try my best to slide through life, doing as I'm told. I guess I can be too literal.

1. I bought a ticket and watched the mutt movie.

2. Back outside--

Let's just say I'm blogging this from jail....


Election Buzz

Hey, what was the big deal with everyone early voting? In the long days leading up to the election, I heard numerous horror stories of folks standing in lines for hours in order to avoid crowds on Nov. 4, the official vote date.

I entered my polling place on election evening at 6:17, 43 minutes before the close. There were two people in line in front of me. One was my wife. The other was the guy I raced from the parking lot. I almost beat him, too, but, in fairness to me, his walker was sneakers-propelled.

Donna and I were exemplary citizens, casting our ballots and departing City Hall somewhat lickety-split. We could have exited sooner. I, of course, had dawdled awhile to field the poll workers' nice comments about my photo ID.

"Why, yes, that is my natural aura. And, no, I, nice young man that I am, am not available for debutante escorting."

I bid them all "a debonair adieu" with the bonus flourish of a toothy "cheese!"

We zoomed straight to Starbucks, which promised to reward all patriotic voters with a complimentary cup of java.

"Are you still doing the voter coffees?" I asked the barista, while pointing to my de rigueur "I'm a Georgia voter" lapel sticker.

"Yes, we are!" she replied, cheerily.

"Great!" I trumped her, enthusiastically, and at least three-quarters of an inch taller.

(Or in Starbucks-speak: I'm a Venti.)

"You know, my stunningly adorable lady of refinement," I added with a pleasing grin and my best "you betcha" wink, "we did vote three times each."

It didn't work.


From "The Christian Science Monitor," Nov. 4, 2008 -- and thank you, Jesus:

Well, not so fast. Seems there are legal restrictions afoot.

Take the State of Georgia where the motto is "Wisdom, Justice and Moderation."

Requiring someone to say they voted in order to receive a free coffee - that’s a felony....

No word if an individual would get the electric chair upon conviction. But thankfully Starbucks and Krispy Kreme have modified the promotion so you aren’t required to break the law in order to get free stuff.

"To ensure we are in compliance with election law, we are extending our offer to all customers who request a tall brewed coffee," said Starbucks’ spokeswoman Tara Darrow.

Krispy Kreme? What? Huh? I missed FREE DONUTS?!!

Drat. What's ACORN's phone number?...

And then I woke up.

It was all a dream!



My Recent Confessions and Observations on Twitter, Where Everything Must Be Said in 140 Characters or Less

I fed my cat the last of my yogurt. And I had some Jell-o. And then I couldn't remember if I changed spoons. Gotta go scratch the couch...

Our small town's Party Shop closed, we feared, but it's relocated up the street. Phew, what a relief. We still have our source for wax lips.

It was IRON MAN night at our house, my wife's idea, yay! So she plugged in the iron and had me press the wrinkles out of all of her clothes.

It pains me to say this, but watching IRON MAN made my dental work hurt.

New ABOUT WEB HUMOR: 10 Very Good Reasons Why You Should Grow a Giant Beard http://tinyurl.com/5lk9fn

People are asking me to put my fur where my mouth is and grow a giant beard. Hold on, I have! I've got one now! Unfortunately, it's ingrown.

Ringo Starr is refusing to sign autographs ever. I'm not signing autographs either, but mostly because no one gives me checks to endorse.

Headline: "Man shoots himself in arm after being denied sex." "When Masturbation Goes Bad" on the next "Springer."

I tell ya, masturbation doesn't always work, but don't take it out on yourself.

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Something Wicked This Way Bums

It was fun to attend "Wicked" in Atlanta during the Halloween season, but the most wicked things we saw were the t-shirts in the lobby for thirty-five dollars.
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