How My Thanksgiving Day Was Ruined Beyond Despair

We all had a lovely Thanksgiving feast and, afterward, I was reminded of a recent revelation which had put me on the path to changing my life for better health and mental pleasure. Apparently, Flintstones Vitamins are not only good supplements for growing girls and boys, but also they're ideal for adults.

Yeehah! Time has not passed me by! All I need to do is visit a drug counter and acquire the pills shaped like beloved animated television stars ("The Leading Brand Moms Trust and Kids Love").

I have never ingested a Flintstones Vitamin, never. Being a first generation fan of the original prime time broadcasts of Bedrock, I've eagerly anticipated englutting me some Rubbles.

My mother refused to purchase these miracle cartoon pills when I was a child. She was skeptical of Stone Age medical practices.

I could not alter her perception, so, instead, I grew up fortified on The Untouchables Multiple Vitamins ("The Leading Brand Molls Trust and Gangsters Loot").

Mom had no trouble getting me to touch The Untouchables. All she had to do was mention a prohibition against the nutrients, so, of course, I'd sneak off and down a daily dose with a large slurp of counterfeit milk and a flapper named "Three-Fingers Flopsy" (who broke my heart -- and seven fingers).

Yesterday, following dessert, I picked up a bottle of Flintstones I found in the happy kitchen of my mother-in-law. There, the ingredient "gelatin" jumped off the vitamins' label and jolted me into the 21st century, much like I had been suddenly pummeled to the ground by Dino, the dinosaur.

"Oh, Fred," I said.

I heard that someplace and it seemed appropriate.

I cannot consume gelatin. I'm not allowed. I'm a vegetarian. Gelatin is made from animal hooves, leftover critter skins, and highlights from Rosie O'Donnell variety specials.

What a crushing disappointment. Did you notice my lips?

What had once promised to be exquisite is now disaster and unrequited.

I shan't ever chew on Wilma.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...